Existence(30)

“I need you. Never doubt my need for you. But right now is not the time to explore my need. You have a love-struck boy downstairs needing your assistance with his homework,” he said gently as he stood up and stepped back away from me before turning his back on me and vanishing. I stood in my empty bedroom and took several deep breaths to steady my racing heart before heading back downstairs to help Leif write his essay. I realized my hands were trembling when I closed my bedroom door behind me. If just his touch made me react so strongly, how much more would his actual lips on mine affect me? I closed my eyes against the need coursing through me and mentally shook myself.

Later that night, after my shower, I walked into my room and found Dank already sitting in the corner chair, strumming on his guitar. He didn’t glance up at me.



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Disappointed that he didn’t seem to want to finish what we’d started earlier, I pulled the covers back on my bed and slipped inside. I wanted to ask him why he’d left but he didn’t appear to want to talk to me. Had he seen Leif kiss me goodnight downstairs? Was he upset? I hadn’t heard the familiar growl that normally meant Dank was witnessing Leif kiss me. It no longer made me smile. It chipped away at my heart a little. I didn’t like the thought of hurting him.

“Dank,” I whispered in the darkness but he didn’t look up at me. His voice joined the music and I fought the urge to close my eyes and drift off into the sleep the comfort of his voice seemed to induce. I watched him, silently pleading with him to look at me. Had I hurt him?

“Close your eyes, Pagan, and stop worrying about me.

The life I’ve placed myself into is mine to endure. You have no reason to worry that you cause me pain. You do the exact opposite to me than what you fear.”

I watched him, not sure what he meant by my doing the opposite.

“As for the kissing, you’re right, I don’t like to see it. If I choose to watch it, it’s my fault. I’ll deal with it.” He lifted his head from the guitar in his hands this time and stared straight at me. “The emotion he evokes in you is not strong.

There is only comfort, not passion, running through your thoughts when he holds you.” His attention turned back to the guitar in his hands.

“Will you hold me tonight?” I asked. His beautiful eyes lifted and gazed at me with so much emotion it took my breath away.

“There is nothing I’d rather do, but tonight my strength is weak. I can’t hold you right now. I want too much. Please, Pagan, tonight just sleep.” I watched him strum the chords on his guitar until my eyes grew heavy. Dank was right. Leif was my safe haven. My touchstone for normalcy. He was a friend. It was Dank who consumed me.



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Chapter Nine


“It doesn’t look a thing like our gym! GAH! How fantabulous does this place look?” Miranda swirled around to smile at us, extremely pleased with the decorations in the gym. She was right. They had done an excellent job making the gym into an oceanic starry night.

“It is impressive,” I agreed as Leif’s arm pulled me closer to his side.

“Do you feel like dancing?” he asked as the music changed from a slow song to Lady Gaga’s Just Dance.

I shook my head and glanced over toward the tables. “Can we sit this one out? I’m not sure my rib is up for that kind of movement.” He steered me toward the tables as Miranda grabbed Wyatt and pulled him onto the dance floor. I laughed at Wyatt’s pained expression and turned to say something to Leif when I realized his attention was focused on the entrance. There was a scowl on his face. Dank had just walked in, looking breathtaking in a pair of jeans, a black t-shirt, and army boots. It took me a moment to take my eyes off of him to notice Kendra was plastered to his side. She had been melted and poured into the red dress she had on. Either that or it wasn’t really a dress at all but something she had painted on her body. Jealousy flared up in my chest at the sight of Dank’s arm around her waist. I glanced back up at Leif who was still staring at the couple with dislike.

“Are you okay?” I asked, and he jerked his gaze away from Kendra and Dank.

He nodded, stopped, and studied me a moment. “You have some classes with Dank, and you’ve spoken to him a few times, haven’t you?” I nodded, not sure where this was going so I waited for more. “Something about him concerns me. Kendra has some issues that make her unstable and I’m beginning to worry that Dank isn’t the kind of guy she needs.

He seems dark and sinister.”

My jealousy was forgotten and quickly replaced by anger.



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Leif thought Dank wasn’t good enough for Kendra, the town slut? I managed to hold an angry burst of laughter in and I glared out at the dance floor wishing I could somehow get away. I needed to calm down.

“What? You look mad. Don’t get me wrong I don’t like Kendra, Pagan. That isn’t what this is about.” He reached for my other arm and pulled me around to face him. His earlier hostile expression toward Dank had vanished. Now he was worried and for the first time I didn’t care about easing his concern. “Look at me. I don’t want her. You’re all I want. I love you Pagan. It isn’t like that with Kendra. I just don’t want her hurt. She has—”