Existence(32)

Until now it has been all I’ve known. Then you became the appointed and everything changed.” He dropped his hands from me and backed away as a pained desperation clouded his eyes. “Go, Pagan. Run, please, run. I am not what you think I am. I am not ‘intelligent, honest, talented, and compassionate’ although hearing you say those words in my defense felt like warm liquid pouring through my cold veins.

You want to know what I am and I can’t tell you. If you knew, I wouldn’t have to beg you to run.”

He snarled and turned away from me, stalking off toward the darkness. I couldn’t let him go. I ran after him and he turned abruptly. His angry glare stunned me and I froze. The anger seemed to leave him immediately and a tortured expression came over his perfectly-chiseled features. I gasped at the transformation.

“I don’t care what you are,” I said, taking a step toward him. “You can’t scare me off and I’m not running away. What is it the song you sing to me says? ‘Yet you stay. Holding on to me, yet you stay, reaching out a hand that I push away.

The cold is not meant for you yet you stay, you stay, you stay. When I know it’s not right for you’." I repeated his words to him in the darkness. His face contorted in pain.

“Go, Pagan. Now. I can’t control myself much longer,” he whispered into the darkness.

I took another step toward him. A low growl erupted from his chest and he seized me in one swift movement. His 96



Existence

mouth found mine instantly. His teeth nipped my bottom lip and then he gently swiped his tongue over the bite. My first taste of him sent my world spinning. Somehow I’d known it would be like this. I grabbed handfuls of Dank’s shirt. I needed to keep him here against me, finally allowing me to have what I’d been craving. His arms tightened around me and I heard a moan in the darkness but I wasn’t sure if it was his or mine. My purpose in life was complete. There was nothing else I wanted or desired more than this. There was a darkness pulling at us, I couldn’t grasp what it was exactly but even through the haze of pleasure I knew it was there.

Dank trailed kisses down my neck and murmured words I didn’t understand. I released his shirt to grab his face, hungrily bringing his mouth back to mine. His hands slowly ran up my back and slipped over my ribs. My breath hitched as his thumbs grazed the bottom of my bra. Dank tore his mouth from mine, panting loudly. It thrilled me to see him as needy as I was for this.

“I can’t, Pagan. I want this so damn bad. But I can’t.” In the blink of an eye I was alone, sitting on the cold grass in the middle of the football field. My breathing was ragged and my head was spinning. Where was Dank? My eyes searched frantically through the darkness for him. Why had he left me? The feeling of euphoria had disappeared with him and my body ached from its loss.

“Pagan?” a worried voice called from behind me. I didn’t turn because I recognized Leif’s voice. He had come to find me and here I sat in my pale pink dress, bought for another guy, in the middle of a deserted football field. Maybe I was going crazy. He knelt down in front of me with fear and worry etched on his handsome face.

“God, you scared me. I came outside looking for you and I saw you faint or fall...are you okay? I’m sorry, Pagan, I didn’t mean to upset you. Please, please forgive me.” He was holding my hands in his, yet the warmth from his body couldn’t penetrate the cold that was seeping through me. I 97



Existence

stared up at him, knowing I had to say something. But what could I say?

“It’s fine. I just don’t feel well. My head.” I touched my head for effect. “I’m sorry, but I just want to go home.” He stood and helped me up, wrapping his arm around my waist as a means of support. We walked in silence across the field and into the dark parking lot. I wasn’t sure if he was angry or hurt but right now I just needed to be alone. My mind couldn’t seem to wrap itself around what had just happened and I knew deep down I was hoping Dank would be in my room waiting for me.

We didn’t speak the entire trip home. I hated the silence but there was no way to explain what had happened. When he pulled into my driveway he turned the car off and then glanced over at me.

“I hope you can forgive me for upsetting you.” He let out a sigh of disgust. “Here I am all worried about Kendra’s personal life and I end up hurting the only girl I’ve ever loved with my stupidity.” He stopped and shook his head. “You’re still healing from something I caused. You never complain about it but I know you’re still dealing with after effects from your wreck. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to forgive myself for letting my stupid mouth upset you so much that you…” he motioned with his hand as if toward the football field miles away, “…go off alone and faint from the stress I inflicted.”

I couldn’t take him blaming himself for what happened anymore. I forced myself to snap out of my haze and take his hand. “Leif, listen to me. What happened tonight is not your fault. I’m not entirely sure what happened myself, but no one is to blame, except maybe me. You had nothing, and I mean nothing, to do with it.”

The small flicker of relief in his eyes wasn’t strong enough to compensate for his tortured expression. He pulled my hand up to his mouth and kissed it. “I love you, Pagan Moore.” He had been saying those three words a lot tonight.