Existence(25)

“Go to sleep, Pagan. You’re safe and you need rest.” He began strumming on the guitar and I turned to my bed and pulled back the covers before slipping inside. The lights went out and I glanced over at Dank.

“No need to sleep with the lights on. I can see either way,” he explained. I nodded and forced myself to close my eyes. I wanted to ask more questions but I knew he wasn’t going to answer them tonight. The sound of the music began to soothe me. Dank’s low voice joined the guitar and I got lost in the sound and the safety of his presence...



“You weren’t meant for the ice, you weren’t made for the pain.

The world that lives inside of me was not the world you 75



Existence

were meant to contain.

You were meant for castles and living in the sun. The cold running through me should have made you run.

Yet you stay. Holding onto me, yet you stay, reaching out a hand that I push away. The cold is not meant for you yet you stay, you stay, you stay. When I know it’s not right for you.

The ice fills my veins and I can’t feel the pain, yet you’re there like the heat that sends me screaming in fear.

I can’t feel the warmth I need to feel the ice. I want to hold it all in and numb it till I can’t feel the knife.

Your heat threatens to melt it all and I know I can’t bear the pain if the ice melts away.

So I push you away and I scream out your name and I know I can’t need you yet you give anyway and I run wishing you would run too.

Yet you stay. Holding onto me yet you stay reaching out a hand that I push away. The cold is not meant for you yet you stay, you stay, you stay. When I know it’s not right for you.

The blackness is my shield. I pull it closer still.

You’re the light that I hide from, the light that I hate.

You’re the light to this darkness and I can’t let you stay.

I need the dark around me like I need the ice in my veins.

The cold is my healer. The cold is my safe place. You aren’t welcome with your heat you don’t belong beside me.

I hate you yet I love, I don’t want you yet I need you.

The dark will always be my cloak and you are the threat to unveil my pain, so leave. Leave and erase the memories.

I need to face the life that’s meant for me. Don’t stay and ruin all my plans.

You can’t have my soul I’m not a man.

The empty vessel I dwell in is not meant to feel the heat you bring. I push you away and I push you away.

Yet you stay.”





76



Existence



* * * *

The sound of my mother’s off-key singing and the smell of bacon woke me up. I stretched and squinted against the brightness of the late morning sun. Last night slowly came back to me and I sat up in bed and looked toward the now empty chair. I glanced around the room and realized I was alone. Had he left me? I’d trusted him to keep me safe. I got up, needing to open the door and be near my mother. Being alone wasn’t on my ‘to do’ list. I turned back and noticed his guitar stood in the corner and a small amount of comfort returned, knowing a part of him was here. However, a guitar was not him, so I rushed downstairs.

“Well, good morning, Glory,” my mother said from the stove. She put a piece of bacon on top of a paper towel-lined plate.

“Morning,” I said in a voice raspy from the deep sleep I’d been in. The clearing of a male throat startled me and I turned to see Dank sitting on the couch watching me.

“You thought I left. I said I wouldn’t,” he said with a smile. I let out a sigh of relief and smiled weakly.

“Here, honey, go ahead and get you a pancake before they get cold and take some bacon. The coffee is fresh if you want some.” She chuckled. “You look as if you need a pick me up.” I smiled and went to fix myself a plate. “It smells good,” Dank said from his spot on the couch. I frowned, worrying about him not being able to eat.

He chuckled. “It’s okay, Pagan, I don’t need food. It’s a perk.” I poured a cup of coffee and spooned sugar and milk into it before heading to the table. “You look like you slept well,” he said, taking in my appearance. I blushed thinking of my unbrushed hair, which I hadn’t fixed due to the hasty escape from my empty bedroom. “Don’t even think of brushing it. I like it, it’s sexy.” I rolled my eyes and sank down into the chair, and took a bite.

“So, what are your plans this morning, Sunshine?” Mom 77



Existence

asked from the kitchen. I glanced over at her as she was fixing her plate.

“Um, I’m going shopping for a dress for the Homecoming Dance with Miranda, Wyatt, and Leif.” Dank chuckled. “So, Leif’s wearing a dress?” I glared at him and then turned to my mom as she sat down at the table across from me.

“Oh, so Leif asked you to the dance? That’s exciting. You can take the visa card with you. Just make sure you don’t get anything red or yellow. Those colors aren’t good with your complexion.” I nodded and took another bite.

“Blue, soft blue,” Dank said quietly as if he was thinking about it rather than saying it. I kept my eyes on my food.

“I have a date with the computer today. My newest manuscript is almost finished. I’m excited about this one more so than I have been about any others.” Her voice had taken on the chipper tone it only had when she spoke of her writing.