Existence(22)

My questions were still unanswered. Frustrated with Dank and his determination to be evasive even though he seemed to be the cause of my screwed up life at the moment, I walked quickly back to the brightly-lit stadium. The field was full of celebrating pirates as I walked into the throngs of students and parents. I began searching for Miranda and Wyatt. A familiar chuckle caught my attention and I turned to see Kendra with her hands on Dank’s chest as he stared down at her with a smile on his face. I froze.

He seemed carefree and pleased by the attention of the blond cheerleader, when moments ago he’d been cursing at the sky and telling me to threaten any more talking souls I came in contact with. The urge to walk over to Kendra and jerk her by the hair until she was a good ten feet away from Dank was hard to resist. His eyes lifted from Kendra’s and found me. He nodded as if to say hello before gazing back down at the girl in his arms. I swallowed the feeling of betrayal and tore my eyes off the two of them. Dank didn’t belong to me so he wasn’t actually betraying me. That reminder didn’t make me feel better. At times it seemed as if Dank Walker and the soul were two completely different beings. The soul I trusted. Dank Walker confused me.

“Pagan!” Miranda’s voice cut through the celebrating voices. I turned around, not sure I could face her right now. I glanced back at the parking lot, thinking of a way I could escape. But home didn’t seem safe anymore. The beautiful blond soul scared me. “Pagan?” Miranda called again and I 66



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turned my attention back to the crowd, knowing I should go to her. Leif would be expecting me. However, the me he would be getting wasn’t the one he deserved. I wasn’t cheering about the victory. Instead, I was terrified of the unknown.

“Go to them. I’m here. You’re safe. ” Dank’s voice came through loud and clear over the excited voices of the crowd.

Just as before, no one else seemed to hear him. I searched the faces around me for his familiar one.

“Jeez, Pagan, are you deaf! Where’ve you been? Come on.” Miranda grabbed my arm and began pulling me back through the victorious crowd. I let her pull me and forced myself to smile. Leif would expect me to. Miranda and Wyatt would expect me to. I was going to end up being diagnosed as mental if I didn’t get a grip on myself.

“There he is!” Miranda yelled back at me as she pulled me toward Leif. He’d just emerged from the field house, freshly changed into a pair of faded jeans and a clean jersey. I took a deep breath and put a smile on my face. He glanced our way and I waved at him. A huge grin broke out on his face and he ran toward me. Before I knew it he was pulling me up against his chest. I didn’t have time to prepare myself for his lips covering mine. His arms around me were gentle because of my still healing ribs. He reminded me of warmth and safety.

I ran my hands up his chest, hoping to hold onto him a little while longer and pretend I really was safe. His hands slipped into my hair and tilted my head back as he took the kiss deeper. I drank him in. I needed this sense of normalcy. This false sense of security. Leif was real and represented all things secure. I needed that connection to the world. I needed what he offered right now. However, dancing dangerously in the back of my mind, were thoughts of another mouth, which seemed to stir things much wilder inside of me. A craving that represented all the things I feared. I closed my eyes tighter, trying to fight off the desire to have Dank’s arms pulling me close, his perfectly sculpted 67



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lips against mine. This was safe. Leif was healthy for me.

He broke the kiss and pulled back only a little and his breathing, I realized, was ragged, unlike mine. He appeared dazed. “That was even better than I’d imagined,” he said breathlessly. The familiar twinge of guilt I’d been dealing with since Dank had gotten under my skin reminded me this was the right choice.

“Okay, you two either need to get a freakin’ room or come up for air so we can go get some food. I’m starving.” Wyatt’s teasing voice broke into the little world we’d been lost in among the throngs of people.

Leif winked at me and slipped his arm around my shoulder. “Let’s eat,” he said, grinning like a little boy who’d just been given candy. I’d clung to him because of what he represented in my life not because I desired him, but I pushed it out of my mind. Thinking about it just made the guilt worse.





* * * *

“After tonight’s game I don’t see how the scouts can keep away,” Wyatt said, grinning across the booth from Leif and me.

Leif chuckled. “One game won’t bring down the college scouts, you know that.”

Wyatt lifted a French fry to his mouth. “A couple more like that one and they will descend,” he said, sure of himself.

Leif’s thumb rubbed my hand. He’d started holding my hand whenever we were together. It was sweet.

“Oh, gag, did they have to come here? I mean, really, why doesn’t he just take octopus-girl to a hotel and let us eat in peace?” Miranda said in an annoyed voice as she flashed a knowing look my way. I glanced over to see Dank walk in the door with a very clingy Kendra at his side. I reached for my soda and decided to study the business cards placed under the Plexiglas on top of the table.



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“I think the only way she can get any closer to him is if she wraps her legs around him and he is forced to carry her.” Miranda said in a disgusted tone.