Borrowing Trouble(25)

All these years later, he felt guilty for having been so angry at Bethany. He felt even guiltier for not realizing how in the dark she’d been. But she couldn’t know something he himself hadn’t understood.

And now he wished he’d never clicked on that goddamned porn. He wished he didn’t know what it was like to be touched. Because his mind was a flurry of activity, his skin a bundle of need.

After he’d gotten home, showered, and eaten, he felt slightly better. But his body wouldn’t simmer enough to let him sleep any time soon. And there was an open invitation that lingered in that traitorous place in the back of his mind. That damn place had been dark, the door shut for so long, now it was wide open and had a big fluorescent bulb blinking.

He wanted.

Jay wandered upstairs and looked side to side as he stood in the hallways. The doors that opened to his kids’ rooms hung open, revealing the surprisingly clean rooms. Little bits of personality lay about each room. His heart was full when he thought about his kids and how great they’d been over the divorce and Bethany being so far away for now. They wanted him to be happy, even if little Millie still occasionally mentioned wishing Jay and Bethany could reconcile.

Could he do this to them? Was it worth even exploring whether he was as into Landon as he feared he may be?

Okay, so maybe they’d passed that point, he knew he wanted the man. But he’d said it. No one would understand. He could barely understand. He hated even thinking he was glad his parents weren’t alive to see this.

But Jay’s mind kept wandering back to Landon. The way the man helped him without asking for anything in return, the way Landon smiled so easily when they spoke. Landon was smart and caring. If Landon was a woman, Jay thought he’d be the perfect step-mother.

Jay felt like shit even thinking that.

God, though, the sincere and honest respect Landon showed for how desperate Jay felt over his strange new life was bewildering in that Landon didn’t expect Jay to do anything other than hurt him. Jay’d seen that vulnerability in his eyes. He’d seen it in Beth’s eyes enough to know what it meant.

He was bastard enough to know he hadn’t really done anything to assuage that fear in Bethany over all those years, but he wanted so badly to prove to Landon and himself that he wouldn’t hurt Landon.

But he would, wouldn’t he? He was barely handling this whole self-awareness thing he found himself doing right now.

He went back downstairs and grabbed the keys to his truck. He needed to get out of the house, needed to breathe for a minute without the specter of his children around, or looking at his front door and remembering the way Landon’s hooded eyes looked as he swallowed Jay’s cock only two mornings ago.

His cock went rigid and he cursed himself for even thinking about that.

Driving around did little to ease his mind. In fact, if nothing else, it made him more antsy because he couldn’t forget that his only sense of peace lately had been in Landon’s company. Which was the most confusing thing of all, because Landon was also the biggest sense of turmoil in his life at the moment.

Approaching the metaphorical and physical fork in the road, the moment to put up or shut up arrived. He could go straight and head back home, crawl under his own sheets and try to sleep. Or he could take a slight left. To Landon. To uncertainty and complications, but also to five minutes of peace and a friendly ear.

He switched off his truck’s ignition and sat staring at the front of Landon’s cabin-style home. A light in the window flickered from the television as Jay tried to calm his breathing. He’d rarely ever acted this impulsively, even as a teenager. But he did something he’d done well his whole life, not overthink, and he just went with his gut.

Who knew his gut also wanted to be with Landon?

He sighed and got out of the truck. Before he made it to the front porch, the light flicked on and the world narrowed down to the man who walked out the front door. Landon crossed his arms against the chilly night breeze, because of course the weather decided to change with the hour, as southern weather was oft to do.

Jay couldn’t help taking in Landon’s shirtless torso, his hard, pink nipples on perfectly rounded pecs. His eyes wandered down a smooth, flat belly and followed the arrow of Landon’s Adonis belt to where his cock tented his thin, plaid pajama pants.

They both stood silently, looking at each other, Landon a little uncertainly. Then Jay made a conscious decision, one he didn’t know if he’d be able to turn back from, but one he didn’t think he’d want to take back.

He lifted his booted foot and stepped up onto the porch.





Chapter 12


Jay kept his eyes on Landon’s face as Landon backed into the house. Once they’d made it inside, Jay pushed the door shut behind him, but kept his gaze firmly on Landon’s.

“Hey,” Landon said gently, arms still crossed over his chest.

“Hey,” Jay replied.

“Want to sit down? Talk maybe?” Landon finally uncrossed his arms and held an arm out, indicating the living room.

Jay shook his head. Landon blinked, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed. Jay felt his breath quicken. He had actually intended to talk, or maybe just hang out like they used to with a beer and a SportsCenter rerun. But as he stalked closer to Landon, his cock thickening in his pants, Landon’s now pointing his pajama pants in Jay’s direction, Jay needed more than that.