Borrowing Trouble(30)

“I don’t know who it shocked more, me or the doc. Didn’t do all that much talking when we used her first time around, so when I called in, she thought I may have finally snapped.”

“Did you?” Landon sounded so serious, Jay felt the guffaw start in his chest before it belted out of him. “Well, it’s a legitimate question.”

“I thought so. I guess I was worried I was taking all this too well.”

Landon’s expression gave away nothing, which was a first in a while. Landon usually was particularly easy to read, especially for Jay. Jay’d decided once they started exploring whatever it was that transpired between them, the least he could do was be open with Landon. He didn’t want anyone getting hurt, and it was Jay’s life that was the more complicated of the two right now.

“What’d she say?” Landon asked.

“Well, I was almost expecting a referral to a friend who might be able to talk me out of my new-found attraction for men,” Landon snorted. “But, one good thing about the doc being a baby—one of the reasons I’d discounted her help to begin with—she was a bit more enlightened than that.”

“And?”

“She said she was worried I was compartmentalizing again.” At Landon’s concerned side glance, Jay continued. “She was as surprised as me when she said I was right and I’d probably just shut that stuff down so I didn’t worry my folks.” Jay walked over to Landon and brushed their fingers together as he passed him some of the marked lumber for Landon to saw.

“She called it Martyr Syndrome, but the way she laughed at that, I’m pretty sure she made that up.”

“Yeah, but it’s a pretty apt description.”

“That it is.” Jay stilled Landon, looking him in the eye. “I messed up my marriage by not knowing me, and by not talking. I don’t want to do the same with you, only … I’m still real confused. I know I feel good with you. And I love spending time with you. So I’m trying to keep from thinking it into the ground. But she said that may be a problem, because I’m not looking at the reality of when my kids come home.”

Landon sighed, sadness dripping from his every pore. “I thought about that. I’ve been concerned. I guess I don’t want to set myself up to think this is more than it is.”

Jay rubbed his hand over his sweaty brow. “Thing is, like I told you to start with, I feel so much when I’m with you, I want to make promises. Especially when you get here looking all sad after we had the night we did last night and get to spend this afternoon just the two of us. It feels so right, it’s hard to let myself dwell on those who will think it’s wrong.”

“And there are plenty who will.” Jay smiled, loving Landon’s lack of ever sugar coating things.

“I’m not much further along yet, Landon. I won’t lie. I’m doing my best here, but it’s when I’m with you that I’m at my best.” The way Landon lit up at that made Jay feel so good inside it hurt. “But when you’re not here, I’m out in the woods without a compass and it’s cloudy.” Jay shook his head. “I have to thank you, mostly, because I know this isn’t easy, but I appreciate how you aren’t pressuring me. It’s keeping me from retreating back into that place, just yet.” Jay stopped. He really couldn’t beat this conversation in the ground anymore, so he hoped Landon took those words as sincerely as he’d meant them.

Jay definitely had some guilt he was working through, on top of everything, because he couldn’t remember a moment, even a small one, where he’d pushed to give Bethany half the peace of mind he offered to Landon.

“Oh, Jay. I do understand. I won’t say it’s any easier on me, but I guess I’m not done here yet.”

Jay leaned forward, briefly kissing Landon chastely on the lips before going back to his side of the deck. He still felt the ghost of Landon’s warmth on his lips as he smiled to himself. “Way I see it,” Jay began, “we do this just like if I was seeing a woman.” He didn’t even respond to the rude noise Landon made. “I wouldn’t introduce her as someone I’m dating until I knew we were very serious, especially since Millie is still adjusting to the split. I’m not that kind of man.” He turned to Landon. “And I definitely might want to know how to explain the whole man thing to myself before I can wrap my head around telling my kids. Or my ex.”

He groaned inwardly at the thought of all of that.

Enough of that conversation. All of it.

He thought of something he’d been meaning to ask. He figured it beared considering since it was a factor in all of … this, whatever this was. “Landon, what do you want to do in life?”

Landon was silent long enough, Jay turned to check on him. Landon’s brows were scrunched in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, do you want to keep working for Petty Mill, or do you want to use your big boy education?”

Landon smiled serenely after a moment. “I want to teach. Always have wanted to.”

Jay blinked, tilted his head. Then he returned Landon’s smile. “I think you’d be a mighty fine teacher. You’re so patient. Easy to talk to.”

Landon’s cheeks tinted, a flush of pride, not embarrassment. “Thanks. That… from you, it’s nice to hear.” Jay felt his own cheeks flush at that. Yeah, it was likewise nice to be held in someone’s high regard when he had so much respect and… adoration for them. He could admit it. He’d come to adore Landon in a way he couldn’t yet understand or put into words. But by god, he hoped he could figure it out sooner rather than later, because he felt like happiness was just dancing at his fingertips.