Borrowing Trouble(23)

“I don’t think that, Jay.”

“Either way, I’m not educated or worldly. I don’t like to overanalyze things, I don’t get in my head. In fact, that was a huge problem in my marriage. I don’t talk things out, because I really don’t have anything going on upstairs to talk about.” Landon thought that was the dumbest thing Jay’d ever said, but he refused to break the spell that had Jay spilling his guts. He obviously needed it.

Jay’s eyes beseeched understanding. “One time, it was even mentioned I might be on some spectrum of something-or-other, until the marriage counselor decided I just compartmentalized.” Jay shook his head. “All that money and all those big words and it didn’t even save my marriage. Maybe I am just queer.”

“Or maybe it just didn’t work out. Things don’t sometimes.”

Jay didn’t seem convinced. “Either way. My daddy was a worrier. My mama said he’d worry himself into the ground. Then he did. Dropped dead of that heart attack, barely fifty years old.” Landon remembered the old guy. He’d been a mean old cuss with a permanently scowling face. “It made him downright mean, the way he worried and carried on. I wonder if he himself hadn’t seen a damn doctor and gotten on something, maybe his anxiety wouldn’t have been so bad.”

“That’s a worldly observation.” Landon didn’t know why he teased, Jay didn’t even respond.

“I decided long ago that I didn’t want to be like him, didn’t want to worry to death and over think everything, didn’t want people always having to worry about me. So I don’t borrow trouble.” Jay looked hard at Landon. “That’s why it’s the damnedest thing that the last two days, even sick and puking, I couldn’t quit thinking about you. The whole damn time.”

“That’s flattering,” Landon said flatly.

Jay’s scowl should not have been as cute as Landon found it, and he wanted so badly to kiss it away. And that’s exactly what he should be avoiding. He couldn’t be Jay’s punching bag, he couldn’t fall for him. Well, fall harder for him. But he could be Jay’s friend. He could be Jay’s sounding board. Right?

“Look,” Landon started. “I think maybe you’re just stressed, and maybe you’re gay or bi or whatever, but it’s not the end of the world, right?”

“Not the— Landon, I have kids and an ex-wife who would feel betrayed. This stuff I’m saying to you, this thinking about you, I never did this for her. I didn’t think there was anything to say. I thought either I was defective or she was being dramatic.” Damn. Landon spared a moment’s sympathy for Bethany. And for Jay.

Jay started pacing suddenly and Landon took a step back. “Then I remember my mama. She was like a Tammy Wynette song. She always made sure I toed the line, fussed at me if I bothered my daddy. ‘Don’t wanna worry him, son.’” Jay made a disgusted sound. “I remembered this boy I used to hang out with all the time. We’d go fishin’ and ride the roads on our bikes together. I was about fourteen or so.”

Landon shrugged to show he didn’t get the significance as Jay turned to him with a heavy gaze.

“Sammy Green. We did everything together one summer. He was even the first person who told me about jerking off.” Jay’s cheeks pinked. “My mama told me hanging out with Sammy was starting to worry my daddy, he wasn’t a good influence. I didn’t get it. But I was so used to listening when she said things like that, I just went with it. He moved away not long after I started dating Beth that year.” Landon frowned. Jay looked at him sadly. “I didn’t get why he was so sad. I didn’t get it.”

Ouch.

“But now I do. I get it. I get why my mama thought that. I get why it made Sammy sad.” Jay’s sorrowful expression hurt to see. “I get why I put that stuff away.”

“Jay, what’re you saying?”

Jay looked up, eyes wide and questioning. “Did I compartmentalize that? Did I put that away like the rest and now it’s just coming back up like all these words?” Jay went rigid. “Why am I even still talking?”

“Seems to me, you’ve got a lot to say,” Landon said softly.

“Never did before.” Landon couldn’t help laughing at Jay’s petulance.

“Seems you took more from that counseling than you thought.”

“Lotta good it’s doing me.”

Again, ouch. Jay flicked a guilty glance Landon’s way. “I didn’t mean it like that. Well, maybe, but damn, Landon.”

Landon almost passed out from nerves and need and hope when Jay was suddenly there in his face, hands on both sides of Landon’s neck. “I can’t get you out of my head. And I can’t stop wanting you. And I don’t want to hurt you. And all I could think about was talking to you.” Jay studied Landon’s face, eyes darting around desperately. “Sending you home the other day was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I mean ever.”

Landon’s tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth and his eyes welled up. God, he couldn’t do this. Jay couldn’t make promises, but Landon couldn’t help wanting them. He’d never ached for someone like this, body and soul. He’d never wanted to help someone so much. He feared he might break from it.