Beholden (The Belonging Duet, #2)(67)

“I’m not your baby anymore.”

Jackson takes a step forward and his eyes are steel. “Get in the f*cking house. I’m done playing.”

I stand there with my arms crossed. He’s lost the right to boss me around.

“Always have to do things the hard way, don’t you?” he asks before grabbing me around my waist and placing me in the house.

“Put me down!” I yell and he kicks the door shut. “God! You don’t have a clue, do you?”

He laughs, apparently finding this amusing, before he winces and grips his leg. “Did you get my gifts?”

“You hurt yourself, didn’t you?”

“I’m fine. Answer the question.”

“I burned them,” I say completely full of shit, but I hope if I can piss him off enough he’ll take the hint and leave.

“Mature,” he scoffs. “Did you read the cards or did you burn those too?” His brow rises in question.

I blink repeatedly while my jaw falls slightly ajar. I can’t lie to him about this. His heart was bared in those letters. “I read them,” I say softly.

I read them and fell apart. I lost a part of my heart in those letters, but I won’t tell him that.

“But they didn’t matter to you?”

“You lied to me, Jackson!” I say infuriated that he continues to neglect this fact. “I told you my deal-breakers. I gave you every chance to tell me about your wife.” I throw my hands up and start to pace. “I can’t have this conversation with you now. I’m not angry, or upset, I’m not going through this again. You promised me. You f*cking promised!” I yell and push against his chest. “You promised. Of course those damn letters mattered, but they don’t change anything!”

“I know.”

“You weren’t supposed to break my heart,” I say, clutching my stomach.

Jackson pulls me to his chest and his voice is thick with emotion. “You weren’t supposed to win mine. I was dead inside. I refused to ever love again, yet here we are.”

I look up and plead with him. “Please, let me go.”

His jaw sets and he releases me. “I can’t. Sit down. No more games, no more lies.”

“Jackson,” I say drawing a deep breath. “It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Things have changed.”

“Not for me they haven’t! I’m f*cking dying without you, Catherine. My entire f*cking world doesn’t make sense anymore. How is that possible? How even after the absolute hell I’ve lived through does that make sense? Because it does matter. We matter, goddammit.” He drops to his knees in front of me.

I look at his face and see it. The bags under his eyes, the pain in his eyes. He’s a mess. So am I. I sink to the couch and we continue to look at each other. I ache. I physically ache for him.

“Love shouldn’t hurt like this,” I say as he grips my hands.

“I was married for six years to a woman named Madelyn.”

“Please don’t do this.”

Jackson continues as if he didn’t hear my request. “I met her when I was active duty. I fell in love with her. She was beautiful, alluring, and I was a twenty-two-year-old idiot who thought he was invincible. The world was at my feet. I was a Navy-f*cking-SEAL and she doted on me.”

I close my eyes wishing he would stop and we could say goodbye.

But he doesn’t.

“She was born into a wealthy family. Her parents gave her anything she wanted because she was born with a severe heart condition. I married her after two years thinking it was the next step. Maddie and I had everything even though we couldn’t ever have kids. Losing her was pure f*cking torture.” Jackson looks at me and tears fill my eyes.

“I’m sorry you lost someone you loved.” I don’t know what else to say.

“I didn’t lose her. I was the reason she died,” he says as he grips the bridge of his nose.

My jaw falls slack. “I don’t understand.”

“This isn’t going to be easy for me. I know you think you fought feeling anything for me but you have no idea how hard I fought against you. I didn’t ever want to love again. There wasn’t a part of me that ever wanted to feel this again.” Jackson’s gaze bores through me. “If I didn’t love you, then I wouldn’t have to lose you. I wouldn’t have to feel the f*cking pain and torment again. You were never supposed to get to me.”

I look at him as he traces his calloused thumb across my palm. “Jackson, we can’t do this to each other.”

“Maddie and I enjoyed our life together as long as I kept her needs first. She hated the deployments, training exercises, and most of all she hated how much I loved it. There were times I had to miss her doctor’s appointments because of the Navy, but I loved being a SEAL. We knew from the beginning we could never have kids. I was fine with it because I was gone so much.” Jackson’s eyes glaze over and he grips my hand harder.

“Her family demanded she take over Raven. The Elliotts built it from the ground up. They urged me to leave the service because I should be home to care for Madelyn. After the mission that went wrong, Maddie demanded it too. I wanted to re-enlist, but we barely saw each other as it was, and now she was going to be in New York. She hated being a military wife and I loved her, so I gave it up. We fought and argued, but ultimately her happiness came first for me.” He looks at me for the first time with tears building in his eyes.