Beholden (The Belonging Duet, #2)(70)

He returns to my side and I feel his hands on my shoulders, pushing down, working out the tension. “I’m sorry,” he says as his lips press against my spine. “I shouldn’t have kept things from you.”

I close my eyes and attempt to halt the tears. “I know. I’m sorry too,” I say.

I’m sorry for the fact that this is where we are. To love someone so much but not be able to be together.

Jackson continues to massage my back without a word, stopping only to place a kiss every few minutes. After he’s content with loosening my muscles, he turns me back over. The look in his eyes stops my heart. There’s so much emotion in that single moment. The most dominant is despair. He’s breaking and I’m already broken.

As we hold each other’s gaze, Jackson enters me. It’s like coming home. We fit like two pieces of a puzzle. My body welcomes him and he sighs.

“I need you,” he says as he slides back and forth. “I hate who I am without you. You have no idea how miserable I am. Please, come back to me,” Jackson requests, but I don’t respond. “No more secrets.”

“I miss you too.” It’s all I can say because I can’t make promises. I’m miserable without him too, but I was living. My life was working out, but now I want to lock myself away with him and never leave.

Jackson grinds his hips and my body climbs higher needing release. I moan and close my eyes.

“I need to see you,” he says through gritted teeth. “Let me see you when you come.”

I open my eyes and try to keep them on him while he continues to hit the spot that’s driving me to orgasm. “So. Close,” I gasp in between thrusts. I grip Jackson’s face and pull him to me as my tongue delves into his mouth. I lose myself and my body rockets into another world.

Jackson continues milking every ounce of pleasure I’m capable of feeling before he loses it. “Fuck, Catherine. I love you,” he says as he orgasms.

We lay here, both spent emotionally and physically.

After we both clean up, I see him in my father’s office. “Is this him?” he asks, finding a frame I missed during the packing.

“Yeah, that was my dad,” I say looking at the photo.

“You look like him.”

“Jackson we should talk,” I say softly.

“Not tonight. We’ve done enough talking. Tonight, I just want to pretend,” he murmurs and pulls me against his chest.

I sigh and wrap my arms around him. As much as I want to pretend as he’s asked, I know it’ll only leave us both in worse shape tomorrow. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

He rubs his hands up and down my back and sighs deeply. “I know.” He places a kiss on my forehead. “Let’s go to bed.”

My lips press against his scar on his shoulder.

We move into the bedroom and he hands me his t-shirt. A smile spreads across my face as I remember how much he likes seeing me in his clothes.

Today has been overwhelming and heartbreaking. I think about how strong Natalie is, how she lost the man she loves and can’t ever get him back. I have the man I love in my arms and I’m going to let him go willingly. I wish I could be mad again. Mad didn’t hurt so much. It made leaving a little easier because it was his fault. Now, it’s a choice.

Jackson’s arm slides under my shoulder and he pulls me against his chest. “Is there anything I can say to change your mind?”

I look up at him and a tear falls. “No.”

He nods once and pulls me tighter. “I’m not going to give up. You’re mine and I’m going to win you back. I’m just warning you.”

“Jackson …” I start and he brushes the tear running down my cheek.

“No tears.”

“It hurts so much.”

His eyes stay focused on the ceiling. “I won’t hurt you anymore. Nothing heavy, I just want to hold you, talk to you, love you.”

“How?” I ask because I don’t see how we can pretend.

“Easy. How’ve you been?” His fingers run up and down my arm as we lie in each other’s arms.

This will last a few questions before we find a way back to the conversation we should be having.

“I’m living. How’s your leg?”

“Today I overdid it, but it was worth it. I wasn’t going to be on crutches for the memorial. Did you get to see Aarabelle?”

I smile thinking about how beautiful that tiny baby was. I promised Natalie we would see each other before I leave for California. “She’s perfect.”

“Yeah, she is. Natalie asked me and Mark to be her godfathers.”

“She told me. I think you’ll spoil her and do all the things you’re supposed to as a godfather.”

My mind drifts to how Jackson would be a father right now. He’d have his own baby to love but he’s lost that chance.

“Jackson, this is too hard. It’s going to hurt even more in the morning.”

“It can’t hurt any more than it already has,” he says quietly and adjusts himself to be more comfortable. “Go to sleep, baby.”

I was a fool to give him tonight. To think I could ever give him one night and it wouldn’t ruin me. Allowing him back in my heart even if only for a little bit reminded me all the reasons I loved him. His heart, his hurt, the way he loves are all there buried beneath a lot of guilt and pain. Jackson’s lived through hell, yet never let it destroy him.