Beholden (The Belonging Duet, #2)(64)

After a few minutes of us pissed off with our fists ready to strike, we both take a step back. “He was a brother to me,” he says. I look up and he shakes his head. “He was a better man than me or you. He didn’t deserve to die.”

“I know. It should’ve been me,” I say, feeling devoid of any emotion.

“It shouldn’t have been any of us.”

“I don’t ever want to wear this uniform again,” I say, fixing my jacket from the near fight with Mark.

He looks over and grips his neck. “I’m tired of attending these funerals. The next one I plan to go to is my own. And I won’t give a f*ck what you wear.”

There are times when I wish we were back eight years ago, young, dumb, and ignorant to the world around us. We thought we were invincible. Who the f*ck was going to bring down a group of SEALs? No one. We lived in this idealistic world that we could live dangerous and not pay for our sins.

We weren’t married, no kids, just money to burn and tails to chase. The missions were, in our minds, fun. The deployments were what we looked forward to. I couldn’t wait to be away, because Virginia was f*cking boring.

“Dude, I—” I start to say but he cuts me off.

“Not today, Muff.” He shakes his head. “I’ll kick your ass another day, but not today. Come on, let’s go.”

Today is going to be hard on everyone, but especially Mark.

We get to the funeral site without further incident. I’m able to put pressure on my leg now as long as I use a crutch, but today I won’t be using it. I’ll stand through the pain because it will be my reminder. I’ll fight through the hurt because Aaron deserves it.

There’s a tent set up, and Natalie and her family are sitting while the color guard stands guard of the urn. There are a few of the team guys here along with some of their wives. I say hello to everyone and stand off in the back.

Natalie comes over to me hesitantly. “Jackson, thank you for doing all this.” She bites her lip and a tear falls.

“Nat, you don’t owe me anything.”

She gives a sad smile. “Aaron loved you like a brother.”

I ball my fists and stand up taller, “I’m sor— ”

Natalie puts her hand on my arm and cuts me off. “Don’t you dare say it. You didn’t kill him. I hate everyone telling me they’re sorry because I can bet you a thousand dollars if it were you or Mark, he would wish it was him.”

Her mother comes up behind her and hands her Aarabelle. She’s a beautiful baby with dark hair and Natalie holds her close. Natalie turns to me while I gaze at the tiny infant in her arms. “I have a piece of him,” she says as she rocks back and forth.

I look up and she kisses Aarabelle’s head. Mark and I stand there together watching her walk over and talk to the other team guys who are here.

The feeling in the air shifts and my body registers Catherine’s presence. My heart pounds harder in my chest as I scan the area looking for her.

“Dude,” Mark grips my shoulder and points over at our former Senior Chief as he approaches. “Look, it’s Wolf.”

I don’t respond because I know she’s here. Finally, I catch a glimpse of her. She’s even more beautiful than I remember. The pictures I have of us don’t do her justice. Her hair blows in the wind and I fight the urge to go to her, fall on my knees, and grovel. I want to wrap her in my arms, beg her for forgiveness, and bury myself in her and never leave, but I know it’ll do no good. She’s made it clear that she’s done. Her sunglasses hide her eyes, but the way she’s holding on to Ashton leads me to believe she’s upset.

I see her nod and look over at the crowd, but she doesn’t see me—or at least doesn’t acknowledge in any way that she does.

Every part of me is pulled toward her. But once again she shuts me out.

“Cole, it’s good to see you. I wish it was under better circumstances,” Senior Chief Wolfel says.

I shake his hand. “I agree, Wolf, but it’s good to see you as well.”

“I hear the company is doing well.”

I nod, trying to keep my eyes on Catherine as she approaches with her head down. I’m willing her to look at me, but her head stays firmly downcast and she maintains her distance. “Yes, I’m focusing on growing the firm. Mark and I are looking at doing some bigger bids.”

The priest who begins to speak halts our conversation. His voice is somber and the mood within the tent shifts. He talks about Aaron’s life as a kid, his heroism as an adult, and the absence his loss brings. There’s no comfort because the pain will never completely fade. Sure, it will lessen in time, but Natalie is a widow, Aarabelle will grow up without a father. She’ll suffer the loss of a great man and she’ll never know why.

I gaze at the woman I lost. She wipes her cheek and her body shakes. My feet move without permission. I can’t watch her suffer and not go to her. She’s falling apart. One step closer, then I feel Mark grip my shoulder, holding me in place. He shakes his head and I stay where I am, but my eyes stay locked on Catherine.

“Today, we remember a hero who lost his life too soon. We remember the man who fought through wars and protected those who couldn’t protect themselves. We remember a husband, a son, a father, and a friend.” The priest looks up and I hear Natalie cry louder while people wrap their arms around her.