Beholden (The Belonging Duet, #2)(63)

I know now it’s over. I know you don’t want to talk to me, or hear my side and I respect your decision. I hate it, but I can’t push you anymore. I know I hurt you. I don’t know how to live without trying to win you back. I can’t think. I can’t sleep. I hurt so f*cking much, Catherine. Every day I look at this godforsaken apartment and I want to sell it and move—but then I’ll have lost the only thing I have of you. You were the only woman to ever sleep in this bed. You were the only woman to touch this house. Nothing here matters because you’re gone. I’d go back in time and tell you everything. But I can’t do that. I can’t fix this and it’s killing me. I call and you don’t answer. I text and you won’t respond. I can’t fix this without you. I meant every word I ever said to you. I love you and I’ll love you until my last breath.

You’re it for me.

Jackson



How can someone hurt so much? The depths of my heart are hollow, my eyes are burning from the onslaught of tears. I feel like I’ve been torn apart and when I was put back together, they forgot some pieces. But I won’t quit my job. I can’t walk away from this opportunity, and we can’t work. So it’s my turn to save him. Allow him to move on with a clean break.

I know when I see him today, I’ll have to put on the show of my life. If I thought the launch party was difficult, this will be a thousand times worse.

I should’ve left the damn cards unopened. But I couldn’t.

So today I’ll somehow handle looking at the man who’s no longer mine. The one who forced me to love again, to give my heart to him—then forced me to be alone. He’s gone from my life and I can’t get him back. I have to let him go—for good.

I’ll need a miracle to get through this.

He took everything from me with that damn letter.





“You ready?” Mark asks from behind me. He’s wearing his full dress uniform, white gloves and all.

With a little help I was able to get my dress blues on. The only time I’ve worn this uniform since I got out was for the last team member we lost a few months ago. I hate how once again I’m putting it on for the same reason. In fact, this is pretty much the only time I wear it. I’m going to f*cking burn it after this, and then maybe we’ll stop having to go to funerals.

I straighten my belt and huff. I can’t do this. I can’t bury another friend. “Fuck. I can’t do this. Just go without me,” I say looking away.

Next thing that registers is his fist connecting with my bad shoulder.

“What the f*ck?” I ask while trying to get rid of the stinging in my arm.

“You’re going. I’ll punch you in the f*cking face if you even try to say it again. You shut your mouth and listen. Maybe when you were taking your little nap you didn’t hear me, maybe your tiny brain can’t retain it, but I’ve had enough of your goddamn bullshit. You’re going! I swear to f*cking God you’re going today,” Mark rages and runs his hand down his face.

I’ve never seen him so pissed—well, not at me at least. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”

“Of course not! You weren’t the only one in that village, *. You weren’t the only one who watched Aaron go and handle the issues in Afghanistan that either one of us could’ve dealt with. You didn’t f*cking go to Natalie and tell her that her husband was dead. No, f*cker, I did that. I had to knock on her door, catch her in my arms as she lost it. So kiss my f*cking ass.”

“Keep it up, dickhead,” I warn.

He turns as if I didn’t say anything and mocks me, “‘I’m not going.’ My f*cking ass you’re not. You’re not the only one who’s ever lost anyone!” he yells and punches the door. “I f*cking lost them too! They were my friends too, Muff. You aren’t the only one who lives with guilt!” Mark chokes on the last part.

“I know that!” I yell back at him. “But I sent them to their deaths! I live with this every f*cking day.”

“You still don’t get it. We were a f*cking team. I left the Navy after you did because where you go, I go. I followed because you, me, and Aaron—we’re a team.” Mark balls his fists up and steps toward me. “You aren’t the only one in this team. I’ve watched every single f*cking one of them die. I watched you die too, you son of a bitch.” He points his finger and jabs me in the chest. I push him back away from me. And he stumbles.

“Don’t f*cking push me,” I say strained.

“You want to fight me? Today? You want me to f*cking lay you out?” Mark says taunting me and throwing his hands up.

“Fuck you!” I don’t want to fight him but he’s about to push me there.

“No, f*ck you! I’m not sitting around acting like I’m the only person who suffers. It’s what the job is. You know this. I know this. When we became SEALs we knew we could die but it’s what we lived for. Losing him though—he wasn’t supposed to die.”

The words I want to say to him won’t come out. I want to tell him to f*ck off, but I can’t. He’s lost as many friends as I have. As much as I want to say something, he’s right. Mark and Aaron worked together every day. They spent more time together than I did in the last year while I was cleaning up my mess of a life.