Absolution(69)

But she didn’t answer and after a few moments, her breathing became heavier. Maybe it was better he didn’t know. He sat there for a few minutes, watching her. She had said something about secrets earlier, and he wondered what she meant. Her secrets or his? He thought about everything he had put himself through over the past four years. How much of that did he actually want her to know? What would she think of him if he told her he had been fighting strangers for money? No – that part of his life was over. Knowing how he had spent the past year would only hurt her. This was a fresh start. And as for the other secret, the one that had driven him away from her in the first place, he promised himself he would tell her when the time was right.

He pulled the covers from the other side of the bed over her and stood up. Taking a step back, he almost tripped on her wheelchair, reaching out to stop himself from falling. He winced, waiting to see if she would stir, but she remained blissfully unaware.

He let go of the wheelchair, then frowned, reaching out for it again. He pushed it backwards and forwards a few times, surprised at how light it was. Leaning to the side, he inspected it closely. The seat back was much lower than he thought it would be, and there was a deep foam cushion on the seat, but no sides or arm-rests. Now curious, he sat down in it, a quick glance assuring him that she was still sound asleep. Hesitantly, he put his feet on the foot-rest and grabbed the push rims, propelling himself forward and then backwards. He pulled on one rim, turning, but not in the direction he had thought. After turning himself around in circles a couple of times, he was hit by an overwhelming sense of shame.

This wasn’t a toy.

He stood up and walked to the door, pausing for one final check to satisfy himself that she was sleeping soundly.

He sank into the couch in the living room with a heavy sigh. Part of their conversation in the bar earlier that evening came back to him.

“Everyone makes mistakes, nobody’s perfect. The key is learning what not to do next time, then moving on. You can’t wallow. It’ll kill you – trust me, I know.”

Leaning back into the cushion behind him, he stared at the ceiling. What would it feel like to not be able to stand up and walk away from that wheelchair like he had just done?

His heart hurt, a physical ache, not just an emotional one. Exhausted, he closed his eyes.



Three Years Earlier



“Have you talked to her?” Callum asked, pacing his kitchen. “I can’t get her on the phone – landline or cell.”

Tom sighed and he imagined him taking off his glasses and running a hand down his face as he had seen him do so often.

“No. I’ve been calling too – no answer. I went over there yesterday and her car was there but she didn’t answer the door. I thought she might be sleeping or something, so I didn’t push it.”

Callum paced his kitchen. “So when do we panic? Because it feels like now might be a good time.”

“Just – “

“Something’s wrong, I can feel it. I was over there on the weekend and she was really weird. She spent most of the time in the studio – she had a real bug up her ass about something, she wouldn’t say what. I went in there to check it out – have you seen the state of that room? It’s like someone stirred it with a stick, there’s crap everywhere – a hell of a lot worse than usual.”

“I noticed that too. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t worry me, but you know how she gets sometimes. Maybe she’s just taking a few days to work it out of her system.”

“It’s been going on for longer than just a few days,” Callum snapped. “She hasn’t been herself for a few months now. I knew the anniversary would be tough but she seemed okay, y’know? But she’s not okay now. Something’s wrong, I can feel it.”

“Do you think it’s got something to do with the appointment with Pavlovic? What happened on Monday, at the check-up?”

Callum frowned. “What check-up? She hasn’t had it yet, she’s still waiting on the appointment coming through.”

“Well when we had coffee last week, she said the appointment came through and it was for Monday.”

“Monday this week? Are you sure? That doesn’t make any sense – why the hell didn’t she tell me?”

“The more pressing question is why did she lie to me about it?”

“What?”

“I asked her if she wanted me to go with her but she told me there was no need because you were taking her.”