Absolution(66)

A lump the size of Texas seemed to be stuck in her throat, but somehow she managed to get her trembling hands to co-operate. She rearranged her legs so they were straight out in front of her, fumbling with the lock on each brace. Taking more care than usual, trying to slow down this moment that seemed to be spiraling out of control, she used the table and the back of her chair to hoist herself upright. Standing there, leaning on them for support, she had never been more frightened.

Jack stepped in closer to her, taking her by the waist. He began talking to her, angling her towards him.

“Put your arms around my neck – it’s okay, I’ve got you.”

She did as she was told, holding on tight as her weight shifted towards him and he stepped in even closer. His cologne wafted over her and she squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to think about falling.

“Can you loosen that grip a little? I’m not going to be able to do this if I can’t breathe,” he joked, his voice in her ear giving her goosebumps. “I’m not going to let you fall, I promise. I just need a little wiggle room.”

“Wiggle room?” her eyes flew open.

“Just trust me.”

She relaxed her grip as he jostled her a little. “What are you doing?”

“I’m just going to lift you up a bit.”

His arms wrapped even tighter around her waist. “Why?” she demanded, breathless with the combination of being this close to Jack and of what he was suggesting. She tried to resist the urge to hold on to him even tighter still.

“Did you ever dance with your Dad like this when you were a kid, standing on his feet?” he asked, as she felt him lift her.

“Is that what you’re doing?”

“Yeah,” he huffed, her weight shifting again. “There, that’s it.”

“That’s what?” she demanded, afraid to move.

“Just relax.”

“I’m relaxed, what makes you think I’m not relaxed?”

He chuckled and the sound filled her with joy, despite her precarious position. Suddenly, she realised she couldn’t feel his hands anymore.

“Jack, where are your hands?”

“I’m holding your… jeans.”

Realisation dawned. “You’re holding my ass, aren’t you.”

He chuckled again. “Yeah.”

She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

“You better watch it, mister. No funny business.”

“Best behaviour, ma’am. I promise.” The smile in his voice was obvious. When he spoke again a moment later though, he was deadly serious. “I’ve got your feet on top of mine now, so we can dance like this all night if you want to.”

They began to sway from side to side. Now that the blood had stopped rushing to her head, she could hear the music again. She tried to concentrate on that, rather than the fact that she was in such close proximity to Jack and she was actually dancing.

“Is this alright? You’re not saying much.”

She nodded into his neck but couldn’t bring herself to speak. He rubbed her back gently with one hand, sending shivers through her. Slowly, she gave herself over to the movement, relishing the way her body moved with his.

As the song ended and another began, the tears came, silently sliding down her cheeks and burying themselves in his shirt. She felt like she was floating and Jack was her anchor, solid and safe and here. She wished the moment would last forever.

He was holding her in his arms again, where she felt so warm and safe and comfortable that it scared her. With an aching heart, she pushed aside the reflection with a sigh that emerged as more of a choking sound.

“Are you okay?” Jack asked gently and they stopped moving, his hand motionless on her back.

She nodded into his neck, afraid to speak in case her voice betrayed her.

“The last time we did this was at the Pearl Jam concert,” he said, as the swaying began again, slow and rhythmic.

He pulled her closer, his hand strong and firm against her back. She felt like it was burning a hole through her shirt.

“We were queuing to get into the venue and the support band came on. We danced while we were waiting, in front of everyone.” She heard the smile in his voice. “It was your idea, as I remember it – you didn’t exactly give me much of a choice.”

The usual black void engulfed her as she thought about the night of the accident. He might as well have been talking about someone else. She was almost jealous of her other self from that night, dancing with Jack, having a great time.