Midnight Sun (Twilight #1.5)(71)

"Yeah... I might have wondered why he had to wait for the sun to go down before he got out," Bella agreed, "but I'm not sure if I'm really paying attention to that part."

As the memory took me - perfectly clear and as vivid as if I was in the moment again - I felt the same murderous fury wash through my body, locking it into ice.

I wanted him dead. I needed him dead. My jaw clenched tight as I concentrated on holding myself here at the table. Bella still needed me. That was what mattered.

"Then what?" she whispered, her dark eyes wide.

"I heard what they were thinking," I said through my teeth, unable to keep the words from coming out in a growl. "I saw your face in his mind."

I could hardly resist the urge to kill. I still knew precisely where to find him. His black thoughts sucked at the night sky, pulling me toward them...

I covered my face, knowing my expression was that of a monster, a hunter, a killer. I fixed her image behind my closed eyes to control myself, focusing only on her face. The delicate framework of her bones, the thin sheath of her pale skin - like silk stretched over glass, incredibly soft and easy to shatter. She was too vulnerable for this world. She needed a protector. And, through some twisted mismanagement of destiny, I was the closest thing available.

"Honestly, I'm not any more fragile than all the other humans around me," Bella mumbled.

"I don't know about that," Jacob chuckled. "And add in the fact that everything comes after you... I can really see Edward's point."

I tried to explain my violent reaction so that she would understand.

"It was very...hard - you can't imagine how hard - for me to simply take you away, and leave them...alive," I whispered. "I could have let you go with Jessica and Angela, but I was afraid if you left me alone, I would go looking for them."

"Okay... so now he's admitting to be a murderer... or at least having murderous thoughts," Jacob said. "You're going to take this just as calmly as the stalking thing, aren't you?"

"Probably," Bella shrugged. "Though the more he talks like this, the more I feel like I really do know what he is already."

"Yeah," Jacob groaned. "I know what you mean."

For the second time tonight, I confessed to an intended murder. At least this one was defensible.

"Agreed," Jacob said.

She was quiet as I struggled to control myself. I listened to her heartbeat. The rhythm was irregular, but it slowed as the time passed until it was steady again. Her breathing, too, was low and even.

I was too close to the edge. I needed to get her home before...

Would I kill him, then? Would I become a murderer again when she trusted me?

Was there any way to stop myself?

She'd promised to tell me her latest theory when we were alone. Did I want to hear it? I was anxious for it, but would the reward for my curiosity be worse than not knowing?

"No," Bella said.

"Though I'm not so sure I can say the same thing," Jacob said, feeling more and more like he didn't want to know what her theory was.

At any rate, she must have had enough truth for one night.

"Yeah right," Bella rolled her eyes; there were so many other things that she knew that her book self wanted to know about.

I looked at her again, and her face was paler than before, but composed.

"Are you ready to go home?" I asked.

"I'm ready to leave," she said, choosing her words carefully, as if a simple 'yes' did not fully express what she wanted to say.

Frustrating.

Jacob groaned and chuckled at that. "That's rich coming from him."

Bella chuckled at that too.

The waitress returned. She'd heard Bella's last statement as she'd dithered on the other side of the partition, wondering what more she could offer me. I wanted to roll my eyes at some of the offerings she'd had in mind.

"How are we doing?" she asked me.

"We're ready for the check, thank you," I told her, my eyes on Bella.

The waitress's breathing spiked and she was momentarily - to use Bella's phrasing - dazzled by my voice.

Jacob chuckled at that and Bella rolled her eyes.

In a sudden moment of perception, hearing the way my voice sounded in this inconsequential human's head, I realized why I seemed to be attracting so much admiration tonight - unmarred by the usual fear.

It was because of Bella. Trying so hard to be safe for her, to be less frightening, to be human, I truly had lost my edge. The other humans saw only beauty now, with my innate horror so carefully under control.

Bella was annoyed by this, why did he have to be more appealing to the others...

"Don't like that very much, do you?" Jacob chuckled at her reaction.

I looked up at the waitress, waiting for her to recover herself. It was sort of humorous, now that I understood the reason.

"Sure," she stuttered. "Here you go."

She handed me the folder with the bill, thinking of the card she'd slid in behind the receipt. A card with her name and telephone number on it.

Bella was now glaring at the book.

"That's ridiculous," Jacob said shaking his head. "He's obviously there with you... how cheesy is it to try and give the guy a number then?