Midnight Sun (Twilight #1.5)(70)

"That wasn't the first time," I said, staring down at the dark maroon table cloth, my shoulders bowed in shame. My barriers were down, the truth still spilling free recklessly. "Your number was up the first time I met you."

"He's going to tell you that?" Jacob said shook.

It was true, and it angered me. I had been positioned over her life like the blade of a guillotine. It was as if she had been marked for death by some cruel, unjust fate, and - since I'd proved an unwilling tool - that same fate continued to try to execute her.

"Please move away from that thought," Jacob said.

"I'm sure the unwilling tool will save me from anything fate will try to throw at me," Bella shrugged.

I imagined the fate personified - a grisly, jealous hag, a vengeful harpy.

I wanted something, someone, to be responsible for this - so that I would have something concrete to fight against. Something, anything to destroy, so that Bella could be safe.

Bella was very quiet; her breathing had accelerated.

I looked up at her, knowing I would finally see the fear I was waiting for. Had I not just admitted how close I'd been to killing her? Closer than the van that had come within slim inches of crushing her. And yet, her face was still calm, her eyes still tightened only with concern.

"You remember?" She had to remember that.

"Yes," she said, her voice level and grave. Her deep eyes were full of awareness.

She knew. She knew that I had wanted to murder her.

"Did you really know that he was going to murder you?" Jacob asked. "I know you can't answer that... but I would really like to know the answer to this."

"I doubt my book self knows it like I know it," Bella said. "But I must have realized what the look meant."

Where were the screams?

"And yet here you sit," I said, pointing out the inherent contradiction.

"Yes, here I sit...because of you." Her expression altered, turned curious, as she unsubtly changed the subject. "Because somehow you knew how to find me today...?"

Hopelessly, I pushed one more time at the barrier that protected her thoughts, desperate to understand. It made no logical sense to me. How could she even care about the rest with that glaring truth on the table?

"Exactly," Jacob agreed.

"You know why..." Bella started to say.

"Your book self has no idea what he's thinking," Jacob putted out. "And yet you're sitting there, not caring at all that he just said that he thought about killing you."

"Yep," Bella shrugged and then laughed at the expression that Jacob was making now.

She waited, only curious. Her skin was pale, which was natural for her, but it still concerned me. Her dinner sat nearly untouched in front of her. If I continued to tell her too much, she was going to need a buffer when the shock wore off.

I named my terms. "You eat, I'll talk."

She processed that for half a second, and then threw a bite in her mouth with a speed that belied her calm. She was more anxious for my answer than her eyes let on.

"Good," Bella said, that meant that her eyes had become better at hiding her emotions than they were now.

"It's harder than it should be - keeping track of you," I told her. "Usually I can find someone very easily, once I've heard their mind before."

I watched her face carefully as I said this. Guessing right was one thing, having it confirmed was another.

She was motionless, her eyes wide. I felt my teeth clench together as I waited for her panic.

But she just blinked once, swallowed loudly, and then quickly scooped another bite into her mouth. She wanted me to continue.

Jacob chuckled at the image.

"I was keeping tabs on Jessica," I went on, watching each word as it sank in.

"Not carefully - like I said, only you could find trouble in Port Angeles - " I couldn't resist adding that. Did she realize that other human lives were not so plagued with near death experiences, or did she think she was normal?

Bella gritted her teeth at that thought. Of course she knew this wasn't normal... she'd never been attacked before she got to Forks.

She was the furthest thing from normal I'd ever encountered. "And at first I didn't notice when you took off on your own. Then, when I realized that you weren't with her anymore, I went looking for you at the bookstore I saw in her head. I could tell that you hadn't gone in, and that you'd gone south...and I knew you would have to turn around soon. So I was just waiting for you, randomly searching through the thoughts of people on the street - to see if anyone had noticed you so I would know where you were. I had no reason to be worried...but I was strangely anxious..." My breath came faster as I remembered that feeling of panic. Her scent blazed in my throat and I was glad. It was a pain that meant she was alive. As long as I burned, she was safe.

"That's an interesting way of thinking of it," Jacob said. "And I guess I'm going to say that I hope that your throat always burns."

"I started to drive in circles, still...listening." I hoped the word made sense to her.

This had to be confusing. "The sun was finally setting, and I was about to get out, and follow you on foot. And then - "

"Hm... if you didn't already know that he was a vampire, I bet that sentence would have confused you," Jacob said.