Ceaseless (Existence Trilogy #3)(40)

“Nope, Peggy Ann. You’re time isn’t up. I would be willing to bet you’re the only human alive that has an unlimited lifespan.”

“What?”

Gee waved me off, “Nothing, forget I said that. Just rest assured we aren’t here to take you. However, Dank is fascinated with you. That doesn’t put you in danger. If he were to take your soul he wouldn’t get to keep it. He would lose it. The Creator would then take it. So, you are in no danger.”

I sat there letting all this information process. I didn’t question it. This made sense. It was crazy as hell but it made sense. I felt complete peace about it. But there was one thing I wanted to make very clear. I lifted my eyes to meet Gee’s. “I do not want to see Dank again. Having Death as an acquaintance is not normal. I realize I’m not in danger but I want to be left alone. I want to date boys who can’t talk in my head and take souls from bodies. I’d like someone who isn’t immortal. Dank is appealing. He’s hard to push away. If he stayed near me I’d cave in and let him closer. I don’t want that. So, please, go.”

Gee didn’t reply. She didn’t have a witty comeback or smart remark. After a few seconds I looked up and she was gone. No goodbye. No Gee. And No Dank.

Dank

I’d gambled and lost.

Gee sat quietly beside me. She’d done what I asked her to. Pagan had made her choice. Even before she knew there was a choice to make. I would never be in the running. She didn’t want me near her. She didn’t want to see me again. I wouldn’t be able to walk this world unless I was working. I couldn’t deal with knowing she was here and I couldn’t talk to her. Touch her. Slipping the necklace she had given me I held it in my hands tightly. This was all I had of Pagan—the Pagan who had loved me, who had accepted me for what I was, and had wanted me anyway. I couldn’t exist with any reminder of her. I had to leave my memories behind. I had to remember who I was and what I was meant to do. No more living in the human world.

“She wants me to leave her alone.” It wasn’t a question. I was just trying to let the facts sink in. I’d do anything for her. I wanted her happy. She wasn’t happy with me. She didn’t love me. Would she ever be able to love me in this world where her life wasn’t on the line and she wasn’t fighting for it with me by her side? I was beginning to see it was impossible. Pagan had fallen in love with me during a time in her life when she wasn’t scared of souls. When it all made sense to her. She’d needed me and I’d been there to protect her. Had she just loved me because of the circumstances? Had this been what the Deity knew all along?

“She doesn’t know what she wants, Dank. She’s confused and scared,” Gee said with conviction in her voice.

I’d like to believe that were true. But the reality was that things were different now. The bond we’d formed was no longer something she felt. She was scared of me. She wanted me out of her life. The Pagan who hadn’t lived her entire life seeing souls and experienced the things she had didn’t want to love me. The realization was the worst kind of pain.

“I can’t stay here. She doesn’t want me. I’m only Death to her.”

Pagan’s room was dark and her slow even breathing told me she was sleeping. I walked over to her desk and quietly placed the necklace she’d once wanted me to have because her love was unending like the Celtic knot, on top of her notebook. It was hers; I couldn’t keep it but I couldn’t let anyone else have it either. This was Pagan’s. This was one memory of me that I could leave with her. I walked over to stand beside her bed for the last time. I allowed myself to watch her sleep. From the moment I’d first seen her I’d been watching her sleep. It was a peacefulness I only experienced with her. She’d taught me that I was capable of love. She taught me to laugh. She taught me what it meant to cherish something or someone completely. I would move on and leave her to this life but what we had would always be there reminding me of what I once had. When it came time for her soul to leave this body I would have to find the strength to let the only memory of me she would have be lost forever.

“Goodbye, Pagan Moore,” I whispered into the darkness.

Chapter Nineteen


Pagan

Sleeping on it didn’t make accepting it any easier. It seemed like a really bad dream. I rolled over to see Miranda’s empty bed. Another night with Nathan. I had two female friends here. One was in heat and always gone. The other wasn’t human. I was truly alone. I reached for my phone and scrolled down my contacts until I found my mother’s number. I needed to hear her voice. This must be what homesick felt like.

“Pagan? Hey, Honey, are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” I assured her. I wasn’t one to call home much. The one time we had talked last week had been when she’d called me to see how I was settling in.

“It’s seven in the morning. I didn’t realize you were capable of being awake at seven in the morning.”

“Ha. Ha. I have three eight a.m. classes a week, thank you very much.”

“Oh, well that explains it. This is a new phenomenon. I had to beat you with your bacon in the mornings to get you up before seven thirty.”

“I’m a big girl now,” I replied feeling a lump form in my throat. Talking to mom wasn’t making this better. I wanted to go curl up on the couch with her and watch CSI reruns.