Ceaseless (Existence Trilogy #3)(44)

“So, I came to watch you. To see what about this soul was so unique.”

I knew him. Dank. Oh god. I knew him. Tears blurred my vision as I curled up in a ball on the hard ground. No one could see me tucked away between two cars. I bite my lip to keep from making any more sounds as the memories laced through my mind one sentence at a time. Each touch. Each moment. I’d forgotten it all. A sob escaped me and I fought back the wail growing in my chest. How had I forgotten him? I loved him. He was everything to me. How could I forget him? I’d sent him away. The sobs grew louder and I gave up trying to keep quiet. Between the shattering of my heart and the explosion in my head I was unable to do little more than wither on the ground and weep.

Chapter Twenty

Dank

The room was dark when I arrived. Gee had called me here. All she’d said was, “It’s Pagan.” I’d come immediately but I hadn’t expected it to be Pagan’s dorm room she was calling me to. I scanned the room and found Pagan curled up on the bed asleep. It wasn’t even lunchtime yet. The curtains were closed and the lights were off. Was she sick?

“She remembered,” Gee said from the corner of the room where she sat watching me.

“What exactly did she remember?” I asked taking a step toward the bed where Pagan was sleeping.

“Everything, I think. Hell I don’t know. She hasn’t talked. I don’t know how affected she is yet. If she’s hurt, mentally, I expect you to extinguish me. I can’t live with the guilt.”

Panic gripped me and I rushed to the side of the bed and knelt down beside her. What had Gee done? She wasn’t supposed to remember everything until the Deity decided it was time. I had been hoping for some small memory to come back to her but never had I wanted to harm her.

“What… Did ... You…Do?” I lifted my gaze from Pagan’s still pale body and glared at Gee.

“Get mad. Please. I want you to. If she is messed up because I made a stupid ass decision I’m not going to be able to live with it.”

Gee’s solemn expression didn’t help. Gee was never serious. I reached up and brushed the hair from her face gently. The natural pink color of her cheeks was gone. “Tell me what you did, Gee,” I begged. I couldn’t help her if I didn’t know what had happened. I needed an explanation.

“You weren’t fighting. You were just letting her go. Fuck that. I wasn’t going to let you go down so easy. She isn’t happy with the so-called soul mate they created for her. She is lost without you. I… I gave her the brooch.”

The brooch. The one I’d kept for her. The one I’d given back to her only last Valentine’s day. She’d remembered the time I’d come to her as a child. It had been her grandmother’s. She’d wanted me to keep it and give it back to her in her next life. But she hadn’t died then. The brooch had made me remember the girl’s name. So when Pagan Moore was once again in the books to die I remembered her. I went to see her. I was curious. Then it had become something more. So much more.

“What happened?” I asked, afraid to take my eyes off her. I wanted to will her awake. Make sure everything was okay. That her mind hadn’t suffered a trauma too much for her body to bear.

“I left her with it. Then I got worried and turned around and came back. She was… she was curled up on the cement with tears running down her face saying, ‘I forgot him. How could I forget him?’ I carried her up here and she hasn’t moved or said anything since. She just sleeps.”

I couldn’t deal with Gee right now. I didn’t want her near me. “Go. Just go,” I said without looking at her.

“You’ll tell me if she wakes up. I need to know she’s okay.”

“I said to leave, Gee. You’ve done enough. Leave. Us.”

She didn’t argue. She was gone.

I reached for Pagan’s hand and held it in mine. It was cold to the touch. I saw her soul. It wasn’t damaged. Her body wasn’t sick. This was all mental. I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it softly. I shouldn’t have trusted Gee. I’d known she was going to do something stupid when she’d demanded I fight last night. I just hadn’t thought she’d do something this detrimental. I had been working on a plan. Another one— one that might actually work. I had gone about making her fall in love with me again all wrong. I was going to fix that. I was also going to make sure she knew I had never had sex with some other girl. I wanted that cleared up. I didn’t like that tainting us.

Pagan’s hand moved in mine and I stilled. I waited to see if it happened again. Was she waking up? Could she wake up? Her hand barely squeezed mine and I watched it desperately hoping for more. After a few minutes, it hadn’t moved again. I lifted my eyes to stare at her face. Her eyelids appeared blue. She was too pale.

I needed to do something. I’d gone weeks without holding her. She hadn’t wanted me to. But now, I needed it. I needed Pagan safely in my arms. I couldn’t sit here while she lay curled up in a ball, cold and pale. All I could do was wait and keep her warm.

I slipped off my boots and pulled back the cover before sliding in behind her. She immediately rolled toward me and her hands fisted in my shirt. She let out several small sighs then stilled once again.

Pagan

I was warm. Very warm and something smelled wonderful. I buried my face into the warmth. The smell grew stronger. I pressed closer to it and ran my hands up to get handfuls to bring it closer.