The Friendship List(105)

Ellen waited a second, then said, “But?”

“But I’m not going back to him until I’m sure. I put him through a lot and he waited a lot longer than I deserved before walking away. I’m going to get my act together before I go see him.”

“You know there’s a risk in that.”

“He could move on to someone else.” Unity looked at Ellen. “I think about that all the time and it terrifies me. But I can’t go back and then be unsure.”

“Are you unsure?”

Unity smiled. “Less and less each day.” The smile faded. “I think I might have fallen in love with him. At least a little.”

“Seriously?” Ellen slid forward on the sofa and hugged her. “That’s huge. I haven’t even met him, so we have to take care of that right away. In love?”

“I don’t know. I miss him and I think about him all the time. He’s a good guy, but so different from Stuart. Can I love them both?”

“Of course. You’ll always love Stuart. If he hadn’t died, you would still be together and you wouldn’t have given Thaddeus a moment’s thought. But he’s not with you and there’s this wonderful man who is so good to you.”

“That’s what I tell myself.” Unity smiled at her. “Okay, enough about me. Speaking of potential boyfriends, what’s going on with Keith?”

Ellen planned to say something funny but shocked herself, and possibly Unity, by bursting into tears.

“I’m a mess and so is my life.”

Unity handed her tissues. “Tell me everything.”

Ellen explained about making Keith come over to talk about Cooper being gone and how that had morphed into a conversation about their relationship and that he’d basically told her he was in love with her, all the while ending things.

“He thinks I’m emotionally stunted and can’t be with him,” she finished, then blew her nose.

Unity rubbed her arm. “He said he’s worried you need to have more life experiences before settling down.”

“Maybe. I don’t know why he had to get all touchy-feely about things. What we had was great. All of it.”

“And now he wants more.” Unity’s voice was gentle. “He’s in love with you, Ellen. Of course he wants to know you feel the same way.”

Her stomach knotted. “I like him a lot.”

Unity looked at her expectantly.

“What?” Ellen demanded. “I have to say it back? Why can’t we just have fun? Why does there have to be a commitment?” When did everyone get so traditional? She didn’t want anything to change with Keith. She wanted to go back to how it had been on trip.

Unity studied her. “Keith figured out there was a problem, but he’s assuming the wrong thing.”

“What does that mean?”

“You’re not interested in sleeping with a bunch of guys, you’re scared to fall in love. You never have and I wonder now how much of that really was a lack of opportunity and how much of it was about you believing that love comes at a price.”

Ellen didn’t like the sound of that. “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she said primly.

“You know exactly what I’m saying. Your parents put a price on love and affection. We used to talk about it. You vowed to be different with Cooper and you were. You love him no matter what. But giving your heart to a man is a lot harder than loving your child. What if you tell him you love him and then he puts a bunch of conditions on you?”

She wanted to say Unity was wrong, but in her gut, she knew her friend was telling the truth.

“I’m scared,” she whispered. “Or more accurately, terrified.”

There had been so many rules, growing up. After she’d gotten pregnant with Coop, things had only gotten worse. Yes, her parents had supported her and yes, she’d screwed up, but they’d never once said they would be there for her, no matter what. She’d spent the next six years waiting to be tossed out on her butt for not doing everything exactly how they wanted. Once she’d graduated from college and gotten a job, they’d basically left town. As if their work was done and now they could move on with their lives.

After they moved away, she rarely spoke to her parents. There were bimonthly phone calls and a visit every five or six years, but that was it. They weren’t interested in her or their grandson.

Loving Unity was different. Her friend had always been there for her, and loving Coop was easy. The second she’d held him, she’d known she would do anything for him. She had friends and a good life, but she’d also avoided anything like romantic love. Unity was right—it wasn’t an experience problem, it was her problem.

“I can’t give my heart,” she said.

“Really? Because loving Keith would be so awful?”

“What if he—” She paused, not sure what the what-if would be. Keith had always been there for her. The man took care of her car and helped with Cooper and kissed her until she melted. Still, to risk everything seemed impossible.

“He’s right. I’ve never had an adult relationship. I don’t know what I’m doing. We should go back to being friends.”

Unity made a clucking sound. “Chick, chick, chicken.”

Ellen glared at her. “You think you’re in a position to be giving me advice?”