The Friendship List(103)

“I want to believe you but he didn’t even ask me to drive him to the airport.”

“He’s a teenage boy. It’s much cooler to go with a friend.”

“I know that in my head, but my heart is sad.”

“Trust him. Trust yourself. You raised a good kid. He loves you. He’ll do the right thing.”

“But it hurts.”

“I know.”

He shifted and put his arm around her. She snuggled close, liking the feel of him next to her.

“Why are you mad at me?” she asked.

“I’m not.”

“You are. You won’t talk to me and we haven’t hung out even once since we’ve been back.” She scooted over so she could look at him. “Tell me what I did wrong.”

He looked away, then back at her. “There’s no easy answer to that.”

She took his hand in hers. “Keith, we’re friends. That can’t be lost. It can’t. We enjoyed ourselves while we were gone. There has to be a way to make that work now that we’re home.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“Why not?” A horrifying thought occurred to her. “Have you lost interest in me sexually?”

“Of course not.”

“Then why aren’t we together?”

He pulled his hand free and shifted back so there were a couple of feet between them. The chilling effect was instant, making her chest hurt and tears burn. She blinked them away, determined to listen before reacting. She needed to know what was wrong so she could fix it. She needed Keith. Him pouting was one thing, but if it was more than that, she had to know.

“What do you want from me?” he asked.

The question surprised her. “I want what we had on the trip. Our great friendship and lots of sex.” She pressed her lips together. “I shouldn’t have said that. You’ll get mad.”

His eyebrows rose. “Why would you say that?”

“Because every time I mention sex you get mad. Because you’re avoiding me and I don’t know why. I get you were upset about the Luka thing, but you know why I did it and you should be over it. You’re not trying to have sex with me and when I tried, you threw me out.”

“I wasn’t mad.” He sighed. “Answer me this. After the sex, then what?”

Why couldn’t he speak English? “We cuddle?”

He smiled briefly. “No, I mean, we’re friends and having sex. Then what?”

And there it was—she understood each of the words, but didn’t know what he wanted from her. “Why do I have to want something more?”

She expected a quick comeback, but instead Keith’s expression turned stricken, as if she’d stabbed him right in the heart.

“What?” she asked quickly. “Tell me what’s wrong? Why am I losing you?”

“You’re not.” He drew in a breath. “I understand you’ve never had a real adult relationship. I’m trying to give you space to grow into what’s happening, but it’s difficult.”

She opened her mouth, then closed it. His words bounced around in her brain. She’d never had an adult relationship before? Oh, God! She’d never had a boyfriend or a date or anything other people took for granted. She was emotionally stunted and he didn’t want to deal with that.

“Am I doing everything wrong?” She did her best not to sound too pathetic as she asked the question.

“You’re not doing anything wrong. We’re in different places.”

“What does that even mean?”

“You want to play around. It makes sense—I’m not judging. After we’re done, you’ll want to find someone else to sleep with, and someone after that. You need to experience all the things you should have gone through when you were in your early twenties.” His expression turned regretful. “I can’t do that, Ellen. I won’t. I’ve done the casual sex thing too many times and now I want more.”

She couldn’t take it all in. “You won’t sleep with me because you think I want to go sleep with a bunch of other people? Where did that even come from?”

“You deserve the chance to live the life you were denied. I get that, but I can’t be a part of it.”

“A part of what? I’m not interested in anyone else.”

She stood and paced to the window. Her mind was swirling. She’d never dated. That was embarrassing but also true. She’d never had a boyfriend or anything remotely normal and now Keith was mad at her because she didn’t have the right skill set and in some weird way, he wanted her to go out and have experiences with other men?

She looked at him. “So if I’d had a bunch of relationships before, you’d sleep with me now?”

“It’s not just about the sex.”

“But you would.”

“Maybe.”

One of them was crazy and she was starting to think it wasn’t her. “What aren’t you telling me?”

He stood and glared at her. She had no idea where the anger was coming from, but it was plenty real.

“You want to know? Fine. I’m in love with you. I probably have been for a while, but I didn’t realize it. Now I know and while I respect the fact that we’re in different places emotionally I will not be some boy toy you use and toss aside when you’re ready to move on to a real relationship.” He shook his head. “Let me be clear. I get the irony of the situation. After years of women begging me to love them back, here I am, in the exact same position. I want it all, Ellen. You and me in a committed relationship. I won’t settle for anything else, which puts us in a bind, because I don’t think you want that with me.”