The Friendship List(101)

Tears filled her eyes. She let them fall, the trail branding her. She’d been so sure, she thought sadly. She’d convinced herself that she’d moved on, that she’d healed, but she hadn’t. Not really. The things she’d done were just a facade. The truth was there for Thaddeus to see. He wouldn’t even have to look very hard.

Shame tightened her chest and made her feel sick. She’d been a fool. Worse—she’d been cruel, and without even trying.

When he stepped back into the hall, there was no accusation in his gaze. No anger. Just a bone-crushing sadness that nearly made her gasp from the pain of it.

“I’ve suspected for a while,” he said quietly. “That you’re not available. I told Lela it was like you were under glass and I couldn’t touch you emotionally, but it’s more than that, isn’t it? You’re still with him.”

She wanted to say that wasn’t true. That she’d bought a new bed for them, that this wasn’t Stuart’s house, it was hers, only she couldn’t. Not in the face of all he’d seen.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered.

“That’s why it wouldn’t work,” he continued, as if she hadn’t spoken. “It was never just the two of us. There were always three people. That’s why I couldn’t reach you. I should have figured that out.”

“Thaddeus,” she began, then pressed her lips together, not sure what to say.

He moved toward her. After brushing away her tears, he lightly kissed her.

“You said you weren’t ready,” he told her. “I should have believed you. I’m sorry.”

More tears fell. “Don’t say that. Please don’t say that. It’s not what you think.”

“I wish that were true, but it’s not. You don’t want to move on. You’ve said it again and again and no one has listened.” Despite the pain in his eyes, one corner of his mouth turned up. “I’m listening now, Unity. I get it.”

More tears fell. “I don’t want to lose you,” she whispered. “Please, give me another chance.”

“I want to, more than you can possibly know, but there’s no point. You’re still married to him. I’m willing to share you with your past but I won’t share you in the present.” He jerked his head back toward the bedroom. “Your heart belongs to that guy. I never had a chance.”

“Don’t go,” she said, her voice shaking.

“I don’t belong here.”

She threw herself at him. He could have sidestepped her, but instead he pulled her close and held her so tightly, she couldn’t breathe. But she didn’t mind—she wanted to feel his arms around her, wanted to be surrounded by his strength. He was such a good man, she thought fiercely. A once in a lifetime kind of man. And she’d lost him.

He stepped back.

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” he told her. “Don’t think otherwise. You’re doing the best you can. Be true to yourself, Unity. No matter what. I will always—” He looked past her for a second, then returned his gaze to hers. “I’m glad I got the chance to meet you. Stuart was a very lucky man.”

With that he moved past her and walked out of the house. Seconds later she heard his car start up and then he was gone.

The tears returned, this time with more intensity. Cries turned into sobs and she sank onto the floor, pulling her knees close to her chest as she gave in to the sadness. She’d lost again and this time she had no one to blame but herself. It wasn’t fate or bad luck or anything but her being unwilling to let go of the past. She had exactly what she’d said she always wanted—an empty house and the memories of Stuart.

As she curled up on the floor and let the pain wash over her, for the first time in three years, a little voice whispered in her ear, asking if that was really going to be enough.

  Ellen sat across from Unity, watching her friend carefully.

“I’m okay,” Unity told her, her voice raspy from the crying.

“Don’t take this wrong, but you don’t look okay.”

Unity’s face was pale, her eyes were red. Ellen didn’t know how long she’d been crying before she’d called and asked Ellen to come over. She’d managed to recount what had happened with Thaddeus, ending with him leaving.

“From what you said, he wasn’t mad at you,” Ellen said.

Unity grabbed more tissues. “He wasn’t. He was very kind about all of it, but I know I hurt him.” She covered her face with her hands. “Why didn’t I put away the pictures? I don’t see them anymore. They’re just a part of the landscape. But to him—it must have been a slap in the face.”

She looked at Ellen as more tears filled her eyes. “He said there were three of us in the relationship.”

“He’s not wrong about that. You’ve never wanted to let Stuart go.”

“Doesn’t that make you worry about my mental health?”

An interesting question, Ellen thought, not sure how honest to be. “I always figured you’d move on when you were ready. You’ve made a lot of progress already with the business.”

“I bought a new bed,” Unity said in a whisper. “For Thaddeus and me. I thought he’d spend the night.”