The Friendship List(107)

“You’re a fan?”

“I am.” She ducked her head, then looked at him from under her lashes. “I have season tickets and I go to every home game. One of the goals of my business is to make enough money so that I can afford a suite there. I’d love to have friends and family with me for the games. What a great experience for everyone. Like the perfect party.”

“You’re a football fan, then.”

“I’m a Seahawks fan. There’s a difference.” She had a zest for life he liked. She smiled easily, had a great sense of humor and seemed ready to be in a relationship. In a word—perfect.

It was as if the Universe had closed a door and opened the proverbial window. He should be dancing for joy, or at least humming with excitement. Instead he found himself thinking about Unity and wondering what she was doing right now. Did he ever cross her mind?

He’d been unable to let her go. At night, when he was alone, he imagined her with him. Sometimes he dreamed about her. She was—

“Thaddeus?”

He looked at Serena. “Yes?”

She smiled. “You got a little lost there for a second.”

“Sorry. I was just...”

He looked around the restaurant. It was nice enough and the dinner was good. Later, he could drive Serena home and kiss her, maybe more. She was everything he should be looking for and there was not a single part of him that wanted to take this to the next level.

“I was in a relationship recently,” he said abruptly. “It was serious and as much as I like you and think you’re beautiful and smart and sexy, I can’t do this right now. You probably won’t get the irony of what I’m about to say, but I’m not ready to be with someone else.”

Disappointment tugged at her mouth. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“I am, too.”

“We should go,” she said, looking for the server.

“Don’t you want to finish your dinner?”

Tears glistened in her eyes. “There isn’t any point, is there?”

Guilt kicked him in the gut, followed by a wave of regret. Not just for screwing up things with Serena but for the fact that he was in an impossible situation. He wanted a woman he couldn’t have and he didn’t want the one that wanted him.



twenty-seven


Three days of not sleeping made for a difficult morning. She was a mess in every way possible. She missed Cooper and worried constantly that she hadn’t heard from him. He was still posting on social media, which made things both better and worse. While she knew he was having a great time, she also knew he was having a great time. As in why would you come back to some ridiculously tiny little town when you could drive around Santa Monica in a convertible and meet girls on the beach?

But as much as she needed her son to come home, she had to admit that the majority of her pain came from her confusion about Keith. Or rather her confusion about how she felt about him and if it was safe to give her heart and if she didn’t give her heart, how could she survive without him because the not seeing him was starting to crush her soul.

Was Unity right? Had she been in love with Keith from the very beginning? She supposed it was possible, but there was no way to really know. They were great friends. They got along well and she’d honest to God never thought about wanting more. Which made sense, what with never dating or anything like that, she hadn’t actually known what she’d been missing. And if she, for the moment, agreed all that was true, then she could see how she wouldn’t have any trouble suppressing sexual interest, what with not understanding what it was. Over time, they’d become close friends who were a part of each other’s lives.

Was that love? Honestly, she had no experience with the matter. Not romantically. She knew she liked being around Keith. She enjoyed his company and looked forward to seeing him. She liked their rituals, the conversation, the way they took care of each other. She’d been the one to look after him when he’d had shoulder surgery a couple of years ago and they always spent Christmas together. Once they’d started making love, well, that had been fifteen kinds of magic. The things he did to her body were incredible. She loved the heat and the feelings and the play and the laughter. She liked how he never made her feel foolish for asking dumb questions.

Was that love? How was she supposed to know?

She thought about what he’d said—how he’d worried that she would want to be with a bunch of other men. Yes, he was her only real lover, but she was okay with that. Even if the physical act might be better with someone else—a fact she couldn’t begin to imagine—why bother? An orgasm was just like a sneeze if Keith wasn’t there to share it. She wasn’t interested in a bodily function, she wanted to feel him with her, listen to his breathing, his own groans of pleasure. She wanted to talk to him about what they’d done and then cuddle next to him while they watched a game or talked about their kids. Keith would be there if she got the flu and help her with Cooper and tell her if she had something stuck in her teeth. She liked being there for him, as well. Taking him shopping for Lissa and helping him buy a sofa and making double batches of whatever she was cooking for dinner to share with him.

She dropped the dust cloth onto the coffee table as she tried to figure out what she was feeling and what she wanted. No conditions—that was for sure. Not sternness and rules. Only Keith was never like that. He was always—