Redemption(42)

There had to be a point to this conversation, but she hadn’t made it yet. I hadn’t had any company in so long, it appeared I’d forgotten how to be pleasant. At one point, I was a really good listener. I attributed my inability to stay focused now on sleep deprivation.

“There was a huge party at a friend’s house that summer between my junior and senior years. My mom had promised she’d hire a babysitter for David so I could go. It was the last fling of the summer, and everyone would be there. But when the day came, not only was there no sitter, but my mom and her husband had decided to go out. While I was on the phone with my best friend complaining, David fell in the pool out back.”

I didn’t want to hear any more of this story. I knew where it was going, and I couldn’t harbor pain for her. There was no room—my pain capacity was currently filled. But I couldn’t shut her down. I hung on every word, hoping she’d saved her brother.

“I have no idea how long he was under the water. I had been on the phone for at least half an hour, and when I hung up to go looking for him, it was probably another ten minutes before it dawned on me to check the water.”

Instinctively, I took her hands across the table and waited for her to finish her story.

“David didn’t make it. By the time my mom and her husband got home, the paramedics had long since come and gone and taken David’s body with them. My stepfather beat me until I bled that night. From head to toe, there wasn’t an inch of skin he didn’t touch. The media crawled all over us for weeks, my parents fought all the time, and the kids at school crucified me. I became a leper.”

Every word out of her mouth hit home. I’d felt the pain she felt. Her carelessness resulted in the death of the brother she loved. “How did you get through it?”

“Alone, mostly. My mom dealt with me through my senior year, but after that, I was on my own. I went to college in Oklahoma to try to escape all that happened, but no matter where I went in the world, until I dealt with what was in my heart, it all traveled with me. I was young, so much younger than you. It took me a long time to recognize that accidents happen. I was a kid myself. I’ll never forget him. But I finally forgave myself. I never meant to hurt him any more than you meant to hurt Joshua.” Hearing his name from a stranger’s mouth was a hard pill to swallow. This had been in the news enough that people in the community felt as though they knew him personally.

I still held her hands in mine, but it was me who broke. She sat with me for hours, listening to me cry, encouraging me, praying for me, and trying to convince me this didn’t define me. Lindsey believed with time, I’d start to move on. Not that I’d ever forget, but that I’d find a place to keep Joshua in my heart, and allow the rest of me to breathe again. I couldn’t see that happening, but I wanted to believe her, and that gave me just enough hope to get through the weeks ahead.



*

Lindsey secured a contract for full asking price four days after listing it. I removed all pictures so prospective buyers wouldn’t know whose house they were looking at. Matt had all but abdicated any responsibility and gave his father his power of attorney to close on the house in his place after Matt deployed…which he did seven days before the trial. He never came back to the house after leaving that night, not to collect any of his things or those that might remind him of Joshua, no pictures, no mementos, nothing. He had washed his hands of me.

Two days after Matt left the country, I faced his father for the first time since losing the only other male Nelson. Joshua and Matt were his life, and I dreaded what was to come. I knew I would have Lindsey with me, and the closing attorney would be there, so physically, he couldn’t hurt me, but words could be just as damaging. What I hadn’t expected was for him to grab me, pull me into his embrace, and sob. He cried for the loss of Joshua, Matt leaving for a warzone, and then knowing today was the last day he’d see me.

“I want to come to the trial, you’re like a daughter to me, Lissa. But I can’t do it. I can’t listen to people pull this apart and not remember that everyone lost—there are nothing but victims still standing…including you.”

I choked on the sentiment but held my composure. I could have used his support nine months ago when this all started. A hug would have gone a long way. “Thank you, Mr. Nelson.” The formality instead of the familiar first name confirmed the end of our acquaintance. Along with a simple goodbye.

With the house sold, I had nowhere to go. It didn’t make sense to rent an apartment not knowing if I would be sentenced to jail time, and the cost of a hotel for however long this went on was more than I could afford since I had no idea how long I’d be on leave without pay during the trial. My half of the equity in the house was the only thing to keep me afloat. But Lindsey came through and allowed me to sleep in her guest room until the trial was over. Her husband was kind and welcomed me into their home. I appreciated that after the day Lindsey and I met, she’d never brought up Joshua again, and her husband hadn’t mentioned him either. I imagined loving Lindsey meant knowing her demons, and loving them as well.

They were a very religious couple, and the days leading up to the trial we prayed together often. I carried the rosary beads the priest had given me at Joshua’s funeral everywhere I went, and when I prayed with Lindsey, I wrapped them around my hand, clinging to the hope God had not forsaken me. I was terrified of the fate that lay in front of me but knew there was no way around facing it.