Redemption(46)
The next morning, Dan got the number for the real estate agent from Brett and made an appointment to see the house. Before we left, we made an offer and secured her to list both of our houses. We were taking a huge leap of faith that we’d be able to sell them in time to close on the house next door to our friends, but in my heart, I knew it would work out. What I didn’t know was what we were going to do with a four thousand square foot house with five bedrooms and a bonus room over the garage.
That night, the real estate agent called us back to present the counter offer from the seller. After multiple rounds of negotiation, we had a contract and would soon be living next door to our best friends. Hopefully, we would be doing that without two extra mortgages. I couldn’t wait to call Annie, but when I finally got her on the phone the next day, she wasn’t the least bit surprised, even if she was excited.
*
Living between two houses, both of which were constantly being shown by real estate agents, while being pregnant with someone else’s child, on top of working full time, was becoming too much. As we approached the growth and anatomy ultrasound, my anxiety began to ratchet and concealing it became harder. I had no idea how I’d hide any of it from Dan once we lived together.
The hormones and my guilty conscious were creating far more turmoil in my life than I’d anticipated, and my outlets were few and far between. The shower had become my favorite place to cry because it was one of the only times I was ever alone anymore. I’d wanted friends, someone to love me, and I was grateful for them, but I’d been on my own for years, and adjusting had suddenly become difficult. Dan already worried enough about my safety, the baby’s, but if he knew the emotional mess I became every morning, he might have a heart attack.
I’d stayed at Dan’s house more often than not these days for convenience. He was closer to work and the doctor’s office, but I wanted the comfort of home. I had dallied long enough that he’d showered without me while I was out running. There would come a time in the pregnancy when even that wouldn’t be safe, and I feared it would be sooner rather than later. I toed off my shoes in the bedroom, stripped myself of the sweaty clothing that clung to me in all the wrong places, and jumped in for what needed to be a quick shower.
The warm water loosened my tired muscles and soaked my hair. As I worked in the shampoo and closed my eyes, I worried about my reaction to seeing that baby inside me the closer we got to the ultrasound. Terrified I’d fall in love with something that didn’t belong to me, I wasn’t excited to see the little bundle of joy. I wanted to know the baby was safe and healthy, but the visual scared me. I’d been far too careless with life and worried constantly about hurting this one. Maintaining the easy-going attitude for Annie and Brett was difficult without any downtime. The baby moved reminding me just how real all of this had become, and I couldn’t have stopped the tears if I had wanted to.
My hands wandered mindlessly across my belly as though somehow the baby could feel them and sensed my attempt to soothe it. But the tears kept coming, and my legs started to shake. I sat on the tiny corner seat and let the spray wash them away. My shoulders shook with silent sobs. In my quest to pay for my sin, I felt as though I’d given up on keeping Joshua’s memory alive. I worried about the fall out with Dan and my friends if my secret ever became public. But primarily, I’d opened wounds that had never healed—they’d only been hidden by a veil of secrecy.
“Lissa, baby, what’s wrong?”
I hadn’t heard him come in and had no idea how long he’d watched me cry. Dan didn’t wait long for my reply before he stripped off the jeans he was wearing and came in.
“Talk to me.” He couldn’t bear to see me upset. If only he knew just how deep this ran.
“I’m okay. It’s just the hormones.” I tried to wave him off and plaster a fake smile on my face, but he knew me too well. Dan paid far closer attention to my needs than I gave him credit for. Matt wouldn’t have bothered getting in, he would have waited for me to get out, and when I told him I was fine, he would have believed me.
But Dan wasn’t Matt.
He shifted me to change positions and pulled me into his embrace on his lap. I sobbed into the crook of his neck wondering how I’d ever survive when he left. If I didn’t get my crap together, he would know there was something I was hiding, and when he found out, he’d align with Brett and Annie on the opposite side.
“Is this about Brett and Annie not wanting to find out the gender of the baby?”
They’d talked to us last night about letting that portion of the ultrasound remain a secret. It hadn’t fazed me in the slightest. But when Annie started talking about finding out when the baby was born, and not having a doctor announce the gender, it wasn’t the sex of the baby that had me panicked—it was the idea of stepping foot into another hospital. Death loomed there, and I refused to allow the grim reaper to take this life from my friends.
I shook my head in response to Dan’s question. When my body stopped shaking, and my tears relented, he pulled back enough to search my bloodshot eyes. “Sweetheart, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what has you so upset.”
“I don’t want to go to the hospital.” I hadn’t successfully removed the emotion or the plea from my voice.
“Where did you think you were going to have a baby?” He laughed in playful pacification.