Redemption(45)

*

Thirty-eight weeks had seemed like a long time the day we sat waiting on the hormone levels, but eighteen weeks later, the time had flown by. I caught myself talking to the baby when no one was around, and caressing my belly. I practically lived with headphones on my stomach in an effort to instill the love of classical music before birth. It wasn’t my child, but I wanted to give it so much. There were so many things I wanted to share with him or her but knew I’d never get that chance as a parent. I could only hope I could do it with the time I was guaranteed while I was pregnant, or that Annie and Brett gave me that opportunity when the baby arrived.

There’s something women aren’t prepared for that pregnancy brings, that pre-birth bond that only exists between the mother and child, no one else can ever experience it. While this wasn’t my child, the bond was still there. There’s never a moment after conception, until birth, the woman is alone. There’s another heart beating inside of her body. I’ve told this baby all about Joshua. I’ve confessed my darkest secrets, I’ve shared my joy. Parts of that were cathartic, freeing in a way that felt unfair to Joshua’s memory. But this child was the only person on earth I could remember Joshua with—no one else had ever known him. No one else would ever know what my heart sounded like from the inside. No one else would ever share the blood that pumped through my veins. No one other than this child would ever share the bond those things brought.

Dan’s door slamming startled me. I’d gotten here before he had, but he never came home angry.

“Dan?”

“Penny, where are you?”

“Kitchen.” I had compositions all over the table and counter; there wasn’t a bare spot in sight.

He kissed my lips before setting aside a stack that had been in the chair next to me.

“What’s wrong?” I kept working or trying to work through pregnancy brain while I waited for his answer.

“Brett and Gray got into a fight at work today.” His hair stuck straight up after running his hand through it. “Don’t tell Annie.”

I slid my glasses off and set my pen down. “As in a physical altercation?”

“Yeah. While Brett was out of town, Gray showed up at their house and scared Annie. Brett’s livid and has had enough. He’s out for blood.”

“No one got hurt, did they?”

“No, but if I see Gray in a dark alley, I can’t say he’ll ever see the light of day again.”

I swatted at his chest. I knew he wasn’t serious, or I hoped he wasn’t.

“I don’t like her being alone in that house.”

I put my glasses back on and resumed what I’d been doing. “She’s almost never alone. Brett lives there, silly.”

“You know the house next door is for sale?”

Slowly, I glanced back up, not sure I’d heard him correctly, or maybe he hadn’t meant to imply what I thought he had. “I didn’t know you were considering moving?”

“I know you love the house, you’ve commented on it several times. And living next door to Annie would be like a girl’s dream come true, right? Once the baby is born, all you’ll have to do is walk across the lawn to see both of them.”

He wasn’t moving; he was trying to sell me on the idea of moving. Dan lived a few minutes from Brett and Annie, but I was over thirty minutes from both of them and almost an hour from work. It wasn’t Annie he didn’t want to be alone; he didn’t want me out in the sticks. “I’m not interested in selling my house, Dan. Annie has a husband who can take care of her. I’m fine here.”

His Adam’s apple bobbed heavily when he swallowed. “What if we both sold our houses and bought that one together?”

I scoffed at his suggestion. “Dan, you don’t want to buy a house together just so Annie isn’t threatened by Gray.”

“No, I don’t. I want to buy a house together because I love you and want to wake up next to you every morning. And because I want to go to sleep wrapped up in each other every night.”

I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t a proposal, but it was a huge commitment, one that said he was in this for the long haul. But I’d been down this road before. Matt and I had bought a house knowing someday we’d get married, and it made sense. I didn’t want to just make sense. I wanted the happy ever after. Just as the thought crossed my mind, I felt the flutter in my belly, the baby moving. That tiny reminder of what I wanted out of life. It would put me next door to the child I’d never be able to call my own. It would give me the opportunity to be an active part of that little being’s life. It wasn’t a diamond ring or a marriage certificate, but it was a ray of hope that somehow, I might right my wrongs.

“Okay, make an appointment with the real estate agent for us to see it. I’m not making any promises, but we can go look.”

He grabbed by face in his hands and kissed me with more passion than he had since we’d found out I was pregnant. He’d been so afraid of hurting the baby or me that he’d gone celibate. I hadn’t fought it because I wanted to protect this life, even though I knew sex wouldn’t hurt me. As quickly as the kiss started, it ended with him scooping me in his arms and carrying me to my bed.

Dan made love to me long into the morning, teasing me, bringing me right up to the edge, just to back off and push the envelope again. By the time we’d both given in to the release, I was exhausted and fell asleep in his arms.