Redemption(34)

“First of all, I’m not going anywhere. Secondly, have you thought about how difficult it’s going to be to give up that child at the end of nine months? Whether you’ve met him or her or not, you’re going to have bonded with a baby you’ve had in utero. I can’t say that doesn’t concern me.”

“That’s what makes this perfect, Dan. I don’t want kids. I want to experience pregnancy, help aid in bringing a life into the world the two of them want, but at the end of the day, I want to be able to sleep at night, travel when I want to, and never have to lock my door or worry about how loud I am when I’m having sex.” If he wanted to keep this light, I could and still get my point across. “Plus, Annie’s become my best friend here, Dan. I will still get to be a part of the baby’s life. I can watch it grow up without the financial responsibility or time constraints. I can be the best surrogate aunt, reap all the rewards of loving a child, without the burden.”

“Was it a spur of the moment offer?”

I snickered. “Of course it was, Dan. I didn’t even know they’d been trying. It just came out, but everything about it felt right. I didn’t regret it afterward and still don’t. I’ve been talking to Annie about it almost daily.”

“Make any headway?”

“She doesn’t understand why her other friends haven’t offered. And because they haven’t, she doesn’t believe she should take me up on it. In her mind, they’ve been friends for years while she and I have only known each other for months. I get where she’s coming from, but my guess is her other friends are in different places in their lives than I am. And most women would struggle at the end to turn over a child.”

“I’ll talk to Brett.”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to. I’ll keep working on Annie. She wants to do it—she just doesn’t understand why I do.”

“Lissa, this is the most selfless thing I’ve ever witnessed. I wanted to make sure you’d thought it through, that it wasn’t a moment you’d said something before you thought about it. I know how badly they want kids. I was there when they found out they likely couldn’t have them. In all the years I’ve known Brett, even when we were kids, and he broke his arm, I’ve seen him cry twice.”

I didn’t want to interrupt him and hoped he’d share when those two times were, but it didn’t take a rocket scientist to know they’d both been over Annie.

“He had to wake her up to take her to the hospital the day she had the miscarriage. I felt his heart break on the phone that morning…not just for the life that would never be, but he knew how devastated his wife would be. The second was the day they did the exploratory procedure. The man couldn’t breathe and started hyperventilating. Both times centered around their desire for a child, and both times, he wanted to protect his wife. If you can help give my best friend that, if you can help his wife find peace with her past—because she feels like she’s being punished—if you have the strength to give them this gift, then Lissa, I want to be a part of every step of that, and I want to make it happen sooner rather than later.”

My eyes filled with tears that threatened to fall. I’d never seen a man love another man the way Dan did Brett. Maybe it was because he and Brett had been so close growing up, or that his father had used him when he was little, or if it was a culmination of multiple things. All I knew was I hoped he loved me as fiercely as he did Brett. I dabbed at my eyes to keep the tears from messing up my mascara and smiled.

“I love you, Dan. I’ve never known anyone like you.”

He kissed my nose and sat back in the seat. “I love you, too, Penny. I’ve never known anyone like you, either.” His closed fist tapped his chest where his heart resided to emphasize his emotion.

We had just enough time to grab dinner before the performance. The food at the bistro was fantastic, and the restaurant was almost across the street from the Peace Center. As we approached the entrance, my entire mood shifted. This was everything I’d ever dreamed of.

All I’d ever wanted to do was play on stage. I’d lived for it, trained for it, spent countless hours practicing the piano and the violin, hoping to get in to Julliard. But when the time came, and I was accepted, my parents couldn’t afford tuition. I hadn’t gotten any scholarships, and Matt didn’t want me to go. At close to fifty thousand dollars a year, my ability to repay those sorts of loans would never match my salary. The day I’d made that decision, my entire life changed. I knew I wanted to devote myself to music, and if it couldn’t be performing, it would be teaching.

I was envious of the prodigy on stage. Inspired, transfixed. Dan held my hand as I watched, completely lost in the music, the movement of his hands, the way his fingers stroked the neck and loved the strings. His bow was hypnotic, the tone crystal clear and then haunting and loving. Ya-sang Min conveyed life through the wood, expressed feelings and emotions with each pull of the horsehair across the metal strings. There was a reason he was a master, he played flawlessly, with perfect execution—but the difference in him and any other technical player was how the instrument hummed at his touch.

Dan was fairly quiet during the intermission. He’d gotten me a glass of wine and joined me by the windows. Outside, white lights decorated the trees year-round, and the dusk of the evening made them twinkle like stars.