Redemption(32)
Annie’s brow furrowed. “No. I don’t have a sister.”
“No, but you have me.”
Brett glanced over at Dan, and I tried to watch them from the corner of my eye. My boyfriend seemed as shocked as Brett was.
“Lissa, I would never ask you to carry my child. That’s crazy. It’s not like borrowing twenty dollars.” She dismissed the idea without consideration, but I wasn’t going to give up that easily. This was right. This was my purpose. Even the notion of her consenting lifted a weight that had bogged me down for years. It was easier to breathe than it had been since I’d woken in the hospital that day.
“Annie, did you not hear what I said? I think it would be amazing to experience the pregnancy thing; I just don’t want the kid at the end of it. I’d love to feel a little life grow inside of me, but at the end of the nine months not have the sleepless nights, diapers, or restrictions.” It made perfect sense in my head, even if I couldn’t disclose the reasons to her. She thought I was making a flippant decision. If only she knew how I’d agonized over my retribution for Joshua. Hell, if only she knew about Joshua. “Plus, this way, I’d still get to be a part of the child’s life—like a godparent.”
Dan’s mouth still hung open, in shock I supposed. He stared at me with unwavering attention. I should have thought about what I said before the words fell from my mouth. If I wanted forever with Dan, I needed to consider how something this monumental would affect him, but I prayed now he’d accept it for his friends and me.
“You don’t want children?” Dan gaped at me as though I’d blown his mind. This topic had never come up, and I wondered if this was the best place to have the discussion.
I had no clue if Dan wanted children or not. I just assumed everyone did because it was the natural progression of life. That realization might have just cost me what I’d been waiting for from him. I tucked my hair behind my ear before turning to face the man I loved. I’d just laid my stance on the table, in front of his best friends, with no inkling what his thoughts on the subject were. And no way to turn back.
“I’m not bitten by that bug. I do better with freedom.”
He smiled before kissing my mouth. I could only assume he was in agreement, but he hadn’t confirmed that. I wasn’t sure whether to question his response or save the topic for a conversation behind closed doors. Thankfully, the busboy made the choice for me when he interrupted the conversation to clear our plates and trash.
Brett swooped in to save me. “You guys ready to get out of here?”
The consensus was a relaxed evening at the Ryann household. We would stop to get a Red Box, and Brett and Annie were off to get wine and beer. Dan helped me in the truck, asking mindless questions about movies I might be interested in, but my focus was the conversation we’d just abruptly ended.
“I’m sorry.” The words slipped past my lips as Dan closed the truck door.
“For what?”
“Not talking to you before I blurted out that I didn’t want kids…and for not discussing being a surrogate for the two of them before I offered. It wasn’t fair. It’s been so long since I’ve had to consider another person in my decisions, sometimes I forget.”
He turned on the ignition but made no move to put the truck in gear. Something lingered on the tip of his tongue. There was something he wanted to tell me but was having a hard time formulating the words.
The sigh he released was heavy, but I couldn’t discern whether it was relief or dread for what he was about to reveal. “It’s no secret I wasn’t a steady dater before meeting you.”
“Right…”
“The reason is multi-faceted, but let me give you the highlights.”
I wasn’t sure I really wanted this information, but either way, it was coming my direction.
“My parents had a horrible marriage and an even worse divorce. I was their leverage to gain things from the other, and they didn’t bother to hide it from me. I swore from a very early age, I’d never have children. I refused to risk my own flesh and blood being used the way I had been.”
It was tough to hear. The tone of his voice conveyed the hurt he’d endured that hung with him decades later. I wondered how he’d managed to have a relationship with either of them after a childhood of that.
“Fast forward a decade or so. About five years ago, a girl I’d hooked up with had a pregnancy scare. Or told me she had…the truth will forever remain a mystery. Once we confirmed she wasn’t pregnant, I had a vasectomy. I’ve never dated seriously because children were a no-go, and for most women that choice was a deal breaker.”
A little more of my past burden broke free and loosened my chains. He didn’t want kids. More than that, he’d ensured he couldn’t have them. Permanently. I was no longer keeping a secret that threatened to end us because we’d disagree on starting a family. It didn’t erase my history or change the fact that there was a huge part of me he wasn’t aware of, but it lessened the burden ever so slightly.
“That’s why you weren’t worried about not using condoms so early on?”
“One of the reasons, but more than that I just didn’t care. I wanted to connect with you without anything between us. If you’d wanted me to keep wearing condoms, I would have. But you never mentioned it again…and you’ve certainly had ample opportunity to since then.” He winked at me, and I batted his arm playfully.