Redemption(28)

“Really?”

“Yeah, his mom convinced him it would help me be more well-rounded. Truthfully, there were several we went to that were a lot of fun, but I’d never admit that publicly.” He winked, but I knew from the tone of his voice he was playing. “But, Lissa, even if I hated them—I’d enjoy watching you love them.”

“Thank you. Truly. I can’t tell you how much this means to me.” I scanned the room, taking in the flowers before landing back on Dan’s face. “All of it.”





10





Chapter Ten





Past





It hadn’t taken long to figure out how to find an attorney. My cell phone started ringing day in and day out with calls from people wanting to take my case. Oddly, they all wanted to do it pro-bono, which I thought was strange. Initially, I had taken names and phone numbers and tried to make notes about my conversation with each, but until I was formally charged by the District Attorney, I wasn’t making a commitment to anyone. I had no idea why anyone would even be willing to represent me, much less want to, but I continued my list just the same.

I had thought charges would come faster than they had. The case was cut and dry, I had killed Joshua. There was no way around that, and no jury would see that any differently. But as I prepared for his funeral, I still hadn’t heard from anyone at the police station.

Matt remained adamant about my not attending the memorial service or the graveside, but I’d refused. I loved Joshua as much as everyone else had, my mistake didn’t change that, it just made it harder for family and friends to deal with. He’d finally relented and made a deal of sorts. I was to sit in the car in the parking lot of the funeral home until he sent me a text saying they were starting the service. I could then come in and sit in the back row. He had ensured it would be left empty, so no one had to interact with me, and I didn’t have to answer questions. I could attend the graveside service but from a distance. If I wanted to go closer after everyone left, I could do that before they covered the casket.

I couldn’t believe I was negotiating with my fiancé, but I tried to play by his rules, and attempt to give him what he needed to process everything going on around him. It was a lot to take in, and I was directly involved, I couldn’t imagine how helpless he must have felt.

What neither Matt nor I had counted on were the droves of journalists and people from the general public gathered at the funeral home. They’d brought flowers, gifts…and cameras.

“You can’t go in, Lissa. You’re not going to make his funeral a circus.”

“I’m not agreeing to that. They’re already here. My staying in the car or going in when the service starts won’t change that. If I don’t walk in with you or the family, no one will know the difference. You can stomp your feet all you want, but the answer to that request is a resounding hell no.”

“Suit yourself. They’ll crucify you if one person recognizes you.”

“Can’t be any worse than what I’m already enduring. At least they’re strangers.” I’d crossed the line, and I knew it the moment he slapped my face. My hand flew to the sting in my cheek, shocked he’d hit me.

“You bitch. How dare you play the pity card after all the pain you’ve caused our family. You think your slight discomfort rivals what Joshua felt? Or how about those who are just victims of your irresponsibility? This isn’t about you, Lissa…the only thing that matters today is laying Joshua to rest. You can go straight to hell after that.” He threw the door of the limo open and left me sitting in his anger.

I rubbed the spot on my cheek where his hand had made contact. It still stung, but I had deserved it. I deserved worse. Maybe living this life, after his death, was my punishment. At some point, the public would forget me, whether I was in jail, or roaming the streets, something else would come along that would take the spotlight, but nothing would ever change the thoughts that ran through my head or how I felt about myself.

Matt never sent me a text to tell me the service started. The only indication I had were the journalists’ and onlookers’ heads were bowed. This was my chance to sneak in undetected, and I took it. I pulled the black scarf around my red hair, hoping to hide as much of it as I could. It was a dead giveaway for my identity. I topped it off with a large brimmed hat that matched my black dress and pumps. No one even glanced my way until I was two steps from the door. I heard my name called out but didn’t turn around or even pause to acknowledge it. There was a clamoring behind me, which I assumed were the reporters and cameramen trying to get footage of the service and me, but the man at the door just gave me a tight nod.

“Ms. Jackson.” He acknowledged my presence without cruelty or contempt and pointed me toward the sanctuary. Just as quickly, he stepped behind me and closed the door to the funeral home and resumed his stance in front of it.

The back row was indeed empty. The last three rows on both sides of the aisle were vacant. Matt had ensured I wouldn’t catch anyone’s attention. I didn’t remove my hat, nor my scarf. I bowed my head in prayer, in silence, mourning Joshua. I didn’t hear anything the priest said, but when the last hymn played, I stood and left before anyone else.

“Ms. Jackson. This way please.” The same man who’d sheltered me when I entered now seemed prepared to aid in my escape.