Rapid Falls(61)

“Oh, Anna,” he said. The words felt like they were being sliced into my skin. She bent down in front of him.

I turned and slowly walked out of the woods. Just before I stepped out of the ring of trees, my stomach seized, and I fell to my knees as it emptied violently. I wiped my mouth with the back of my hand and returned to the fire. Wade was there, and I let him sweep me up in an unbalanced hug. He let out another howl. This time I joined in. Rage had made me sober, but I could still act drunk. In fact, I needed to. I had convinced myself that I was wrong about Anna and Jesse. I had ignored what I knew to be true. But I was right, the whole time. Jesse knew me better than anyone else in the world, but he had chosen her. She had won. Again.

Wade had another bottle of whiskey, and I pretended to take a big swig when he passed it to me. We made our way back to the music, and I hopped up on the tailgate, letting Wade’s drunken conversation wash over me. Images flickered through my mind like Polaroid pictures. The almost kiss between them at Rapid Falls. The way he looked at her when she came out of the house this afternoon. Her video. Then the pictures sharpened. A fight. A puddle. A tire. A river. I smiled and laughed along with Wade and the others, but I was far away. About twenty minutes later, I saw Jesse standing by the fire, alone. Anna must have gone in a different direction to make sure I didn’t see her. I wondered how many other times they had done the same thing. I was glad she wasn’t there. I couldn’t bear to see her face. It was hard enough for me to see Jesse.

His cheeks were flushed and his hair was messy. He looked so happy. He seemed like someone else. He was not the guy I had trusted and counted on and given everything to. He was not Jesse because Jesse was loyal to me and only me. He was not the man I loved. The man I loved was mine and could never be with anyone else. The man I loved always loved me. Unconditionally and unrelentingly and unquestioningly. The man I loved was faithful. Jesse was no longer the man I loved. I turned away from him and interrupted the guy talking loudly beside me.

“Todd Carter! I didn’t see you. Good party?” Todd had always had a soft spot for me.

“Cara Piper. How you doing?” He looked at me with a smile. Wade swerved toward us to join the conversation, moving too fast for how drunk he was. He hip-checked Todd, who turned to him with a snarl. Perfect.

“Watch it, Wade,” Todd said.

“Todd,” I cooed, “Wade’s just drunk. Wade, why don’t you sit down for a second?” I hopped off the tailgate to make room for Wade and moved closer to Todd. I looked at him wide-eyed, suggestively. It was important that I appeared just as drunk as Wade and, even more important, that Todd noticed.

“Todd, did you bring any wood?” I said, touching his leg. My hand was high enough on his thigh that it seemed impossible for him to miss my double meaning. I shifted my body slightly so Wade couldn’t see. Todd’s mouth hung open as he looked down at my hand, and then he grinned.

“You know it.” He reached toward the back of his truck and threw a round of wood into the fire, a little too hard. Sparks showered on a few people, who stepped back.

“You’re crazy,” I squealed. The group around the fire laughed, and Todd looked at me, proud of himself.

“Plenty more where that came from,” he said. Jesse looked in our direction as Todd threw another piece of wood and sparks rose again. I looked across the red glow and caught his eye. He smiled at me like my sister’s lips hadn’t just been all over his body.

I mouthed the word hi.

“Hi,” he mouthed back. “I’m sorry.”

I smiled at him. He had no idea how sorry he was going to be.

“I’ll be right back, Todd. Wait for me.” I leaned forward, blocking Jesse’s view as I whispered into Todd’s ear. “I’ll make it worth your while.”

He turned to me, surprised. “I’ll wait.” He touched my arm, and I pulled back suddenly.

“Stop it, Todd,” I said forcefully and loudly. Wade looked up from his drunken nodding on the tailgate. Todd took a step back, confused.

I spoke softly so only he could hear. “I have a burn on my arm. Sorry, you just touched it. It’s sensitive.”

He nodded. “I’m going to take a piss,” he said.

“Wade?” I said after Todd left. I arranged my expression into one of hurt as I whispered, “Can you come meet me and Jesse in, like, five minutes? We’ll be over there.” I gestured toward Jesse.

Wade blinked at me slowly, then nodded. “Are you okay, Cara?”

“Not really,” I said sadly. “I’ll tell you in a second. I just need to talk to Jesse first.”

Wade nodded, and I could see the gears in his mind beginning to grind. Wade liked to fight when he got drunk. I just needed to give him a reason. I walked over to Jesse, willing my eyes to be as hurt as they should be, pushing my hair from my face in a way he once said he liked.

“Hey, Jesse,” I said.

“Hey back.” He grabbed me by the waist. He always grabbed me there. I wondered if he did the same thing to Anna. I tasted bile.

“Am I forgiven?” I said as playfully as I could.

“For what?”

“God, Jesse. Can’t I just apologize?” My tone was too sharp, but I couldn’t stop my real feelings from bleeding through. I needed to curb my temper. “I mean, I don’t want to fight anymore. Let’s make up.”