Rapid Falls(65)

He reaches beside him to the top of a teetering pile of magazines and grabs an envelope full of photos. I open the orange flap and pull out the glossy paper. The photos are of Jesse, Anna, and me the afternoon before prom. I nearly drop them. My dad plucks the one off the top and holds it up to me. It’s a candid shot that my mom must have snapped when we weren’t paying attention. I am fussing with the hem of my dress. Jesse is looking at Anna and smiling like his world is about to begin.

“I remember your mom taking these.”

I nod. I can’t stop looking at Jesse’s eyes.

“I saw them once. Just the two of them. Anna was filming that movie.” He frowns. “They looked close. Really close.” He meets my eyes and holds them. His are surprisingly clear and unmistakably searching.

“We were all friends, Dad.”

He shakes his head. “Maybe. Sometimes I think I should have said something.”

“Something about what?”

I jump when I hear the door to the attic creak open. I hear footsteps, and Anna walks into the living room. She is wearing a denim jacket that’s a size too big, like she got it secondhand, but the style suits her. Her hair is clean and her skin is clear. Her eyes look brighter than I’ve seen in years. As she approaches us, I see my dad slip the photos back into the envelope, out of sight.

“Anna.” My dad steps toward her with his arms outstretched, and they hug. I shrug my shoulders to try to get rid of the crawling sensation on my neck.

“Hi, Cara.”

I nod at her. “Hi.” She has a strange look on her face. I wonder if she’s waiting for me to hug her too.

“Did you find what you were looking for?” my dad says.

“Not all of it. But it’s okay. There was some stuff . . . I really needed to figure out.” Anna has tears in her eyes, but I ignore them.

“Like what?” I say. She looks over at me with an unreadable expression.

“Oh, you know. Just high school stuff, I guess.” Anna smiles just like the goofy sister who’s grinned at me a thousand times before. But it looks like a mask.

My dad cracks open another beer, and the sound ricochets. “Maybe there’s no point in looking back, Anna.”

“You could be right, Dad. But I’m an alcoholic, remember. It’s kind of what we do.”

I laugh weakly, and my dad sets his beer on the table. “Yeah, right.”

“Hey, Anna,” I say. Something feels off.

“Yeah?”

“What were you looking for?” And what did you find? I want to say.

“Oh, nothing really.”

“Want a soda or something? I stocked up on Coke this morning.” My dad walks to the fridge. I return to my seat, trying to figure out how to get her to answer my question.

Anna nods. “Thanks, Dad.” When he returns, he casually puts his arm over Anna’s shoulders. He looks happy. They both do.

“I could really use some fresh air after being in a car so long. How was your drive, Anna?” I say. I need to get her alone.

“Good. It’s good to be here. I wasn’t sure it would be, but I’m glad to be back.” Anna trails off and takes a sip of her Coke. I notice my dad has put his beer down on a low shelf. I place mine on the table, in her direct view.

“It’s good to have you here.” My dad speaks only to Anna.

“What do you say, Anna? Want to go for a walk?” This time I am more direct.

“Sure, Cara. Maybe in a little while?”

All of a sudden, I feel cooped up like I need to escape, but I try to stay calm.

“No rush.” I force myself to smile in what I hope is a nonchalant way. “Yeah, let’s hang out for a bit. Catch up with Dad.”

“Great,” she says.

Silence descends. The TV’s dark screen feels conspicuous. When I last lived here, it was the most talkative member of our family. I thought the quiet had been suffocating before Anna pleaded guilty. But after she went to jail, it grew even worse. I left to escape it, but now I’m right here in it again. Anna is preoccupied, I can tell. She taps her foot so fast it almost looks like a tremor. Her hands reach up to her face, and she wipes the slate. Something is definitely wrong.

“Maybe we can go fishing while we are here. You still got some rods, Dad?” I try to fill the silence.

My dad seems just as lost in thought as Anna. He turns to me in confusion. “Sorry, what was that?” There are only three of us in the room, and he still doesn’t notice me.

“Fishing? You guys up for it?” I say, feigning excitement.

“Oh. Sure.”

“You know what? Let’s go now,” Anna says suddenly.

My dad looks back and forth between us. His mouth twitches before he speaks. “Sometimes, Anna, it’s best to just let sleeping dogs lie.”

“What if you can’t?” I can hear the tears in her voice even though I keep my eyes focused on my hands. They are acting like I’m not here. Like I don’t exist. It makes me want to scream, but I tear a hangnail off my finger with my teeth instead. It doesn’t matter how much I do for either of them. My dad will always love my sister best.

“Just be careful. I love you, Anna.”

“I love you too.”

I clear my throat, but he doesn’t speak again.