Rapid Falls(70)

“And he . . .” Tears begin to fill her eyes, which still look angry. “He loved me, Cara. We loved each other. He was going to tell you. He was going to break up with you.”

I stand up so quickly that Anna jumps. “You are a liar. What is wrong with you?”

“I’m not lying.” She swallows hard. “It started as a joke, sort of. I was so angry at you, for what you said to Ross. You made him break up with me, and you didn’t even care. You always took things from me. You never wanted me to have anything good. So I started flirting with Jesse. Just to piss you off. Then . . . it turned real. Neither of us meant for it to go so far, behind your back. We both felt terrible, but it seemed worse to tell you right before graduation and prom. We didn’t want to ruin it for you.”

“Anna. Stop this.” My voice contains more fury than I’ve ever allowed myself to show to her. To anyone. Her words make no sense. They wanted to protect me until prom only to destroy it all later? The logic is so adolescent that I realize it must be true.

She reaches into her pocket and pulls out something shiny. It’s a ring. The ring that Cindy used to twist on her finger and tell me one day would be mine. The ring I had been waiting for Jesse to give me. Rage kicks in, and I grab Anna by the shoulders. The whites of her eyes are huge, like a dog hysterical in a thunderstorm, but she keeps talking.

“He gave it to me that morning when we went for a run. He said he couldn’t wait any longer. He wanted me to marry him. I didn’t want to show you until after graduation was over. I kept it in my jewelry box, and I never ever thought I’d want to see it again after he died. I left it at Dad’s all this time. I couldn’t bear to hold it again. But now I’m ready to close the circle. To tell you the truth.”

I see red streaks as I struggle to comprehend her words. My fingers dig into her shoulders, and she winces.

“It was in the attic. The whole time. In a dusty box. I went looking for Jesse’s graduation jacket too. I had a dream that it was here. That I could wear it one last time and say goodbye. I got obsessed with it, but it was so stupid. I remember now. Jesse was wearing it . . . that night.” She shakes her head. “I need to tell Cindy. I need to tell Mom and Dad. I want his death to be honest. I’m telling you first, though, Cara. I owe you that. I’m so sorry.” Fury flows down my arms and makes me hold her even tighter. She tenses, sensing how close she is to the edge. My biceps start shaking.

“Cara, I’m sorry,” she says.

I try to imagine living a life that is no longer mine, where history is rewritten and Anna becomes the girl that Jesse died loving. Everyone in Rapid Falls would know that Jesse chose her, that he made a fool of us both. No. I cannot let Anna humiliate me. I cannot be less than her. I cannot face Rick and get him back if I feel so undone. My life is built around being the perfect wife, the perfect mother, and the perfect sister. I cannot be the person I have created if people know that Anna was the best all along.

“I can’t help but think what could have happened for us. How happy we could have been.” She is still talking. She has to stop. “Jesse loved me, Cara. But it was so long ago. We both need to let him go.” She looks at me with pity, and the blood rushing in my ears becomes louder than Rapid Falls could ever be, but I pretend that her words have given me comfort.

“I’m so sorry,” I say. It’s true. I release her shoulders, feeling relief waft off her like cheap perfume. We are both breathing hard.

“You have nothing to be sorry about, Cara. It was love. We couldn’t help it.”

“Oh, Anna. I forgive you,” I lie.

She reaches up to wipe the slate, relieved of her burden of dishonesty, like I knew she would. Her eyes are covered for only a second, but it’s more than long enough for me to shove her, as hard as I can. Rapid Falls is a dangerous place. People die here. Like that girl my dad knew. Sometimes they fall. Sometimes they jump. Sometimes they get pushed.

“Help!” I scream, hoping someone is still within earshot. She was troubled. I was trying to help her. That’s what good sisters do.





CHAPTER THIRTY

September 2016

Rick looks almost impossibly handsome in his simple black suit. His blond hair is shining, and his eyes are clear and bright despite the tears of the past few days. I hope my fitted black dress makes me look as polished and perfect as he looks. I want everyone in Rapid Falls to know that he belongs to me and that we belong together. I want them to know that I made it. That I’m a success. That I left this place behind and I’m not coming back.

“Do I look okay?” I say. So many people are going to see me today. There is so much at stake. He walks behind me, meeting my eyes in the full-length mirror. He puts his arms around my waist and crouches slightly to rest his chin on my shoulder. He gives me a sad smile. It seems to contain a kind of peace that I don’t think I will ever find.

“You look perfect,” he says.

I had called him the moment I got back from Rapid Falls.

“Cara?” His voice had contained a multitude of angry questions.

“Anna is dead. She . . . killed herself.” The words felt strange, even though I had said the same thing to the police officers who had driven me home.

“Oh my God. Are you okay? How did it happen?” There was no anger, only worry. Anna had absolved me. Finally she had paid me what she owed.