Only Child(66)

Mommy’s face looked frozen and had a little smile that didn’t look like a smile. It looked like she was pressing her teeth together and pulling the sides of her mouth up. “I don’t think I’ll be entertaining this year,” she said.

“I can see how it might be helpful to be surrounded by other people in similar situations…,” Mimi said.

“Thank you, Roberta,” Daddy said. He was still looking at Mommy. “I think I’ll work this out with my wife if you don’t mind.”

Mommy pulled in a big breath and looked at Mimi. “Unbelievable,” she said, and she stood up and Mimi got up, too, and they both walked out of the kitchen.

Their plates were still sitting on the counter and I didn’t know why they got up and left like that, right in the middle of dinner. It was quiet for a few minutes, and Daddy and I started eating again. Then the alarm box said “Front door” again.

Mommy came back into the kitchen. Her face looked so mad, it made me get a hot bad feeling in my stomach. “If you ever talk to my mother like that again, I swear to God, Jim…,” she said in a very quiet voice.

Daddy closed his eyes for a minute, and I could see he was breathing in and out slow. The storm clouds were about to explode, and my heart was beating very fast. I didn’t want to be right in the middle of the storm, but it was like it was too late to get out of there.

“It is not how we will be celebrating Thanksgiving,” Daddy said in a very quiet voice. He opened his eyes and stared at Mommy and Boom!—here came the thunder and lightning.

“Celebrating? I’m not going to be celebrating anything!” Mommy yelled.

I put my chin down on my chest and covered my ears with my hands.

“I’m not celebrating. I’m not entertaining,” she said. “I’m going to invite some people who will help me get through the day, and maybe I can help them get through the day. Because that’s all it’s going to be about! But you go celebrate, Jim. You go hang out with your family and you guys celebrate together!”

Daddy yelled back at Mommy and his voice sounded like thunder. “But it’s not all about you, is it? And about how you get through the day. How about helping us get through the day instead?” He moved his pointer finger between me and him.

Mommy stared at Daddy, and then she turned around and walked out of the kitchen again.

“I’m sorry, bud,” Daddy said, and he leaned over and took my hands off my ears. “I’m sorry…it’s…Let’s finish dinner, OK?” But then we both just sat there and we didn’t eat anything.

I wished that I said Andy’s name last year at the table. Because that was going to be his last Thanksgiving ever, and now I didn’t have the chance to say it anymore.





[ 38 ]


    Keeping It Small


THANKSGIVING CAME, and there were no decorations and no extra table and chairs.

“We’re keeping it small this time, OK, Zach?” Mommy said, and she didn’t even have to put the turkey in the oven until after the parade was over because it was so little and it wasn’t going to need a long time to cook.

Mimi came and Grandma and Aunt Mary and that was it. Daddy watched football in the family room, and I watched with him for a little while, even though watching football is mostly boring, but I just wanted to be with him.

The phone rang in the kitchen and I heard Mommy say “Hello?” and then after a little while I heard her make a very loud “Oooohh!” sound.

Daddy and I looked at each other, and Daddy put his eyebrows up high. I got up and went in the kitchen to see why Mommy made that sound. Mommy was leaning against the counter. One hand was over her mouth and the other hand was holding the phone to her ear.

“Thank you, I appreciate it,” Mommy said, and then she put the hand that was holding the phone down very slow, but she left the other hand on her mouth.

Mimi and Grandma and Aunt Mary all looked like they were frozen with different things in their hands—hand towels, a potato, and the brush for scrubbing the potatoes—and they all stared at Mommy.

“Nancy Brooks is dead,” Mommy said through her fingers. Tears started to come out of her eyes, and she kept her hand over her mouth like she wanted to keep the crying inside.

Daddy came in the kitchen and looked at Mommy. “What happened, what’s going on?” he asked.

“Nancy is dead,” Mommy said again.

Daddy stared at her like he didn’t understand what she said.

“She committed suicide last night,” Mommy said.

Daddy took a few steps back like he was falling backward, and then he grabbed the side of the counter and held on to it.

“Ricky’s mom died?” I asked.

No one answered me.

“How do you…?” Daddy said, his words came out squeaky.

“Mrs. Gray called me. She was out walking this morning. When she walked past Nancy’s house, she noticed a…smell coming from her garage, and she called the police. It was from her car. She kept it running…in there,” Mommy said.

“Good heavens,” Mimi said, and she walked over to Mommy and hugged her.

Daddy stared at Mommy and Mimi and he didn’t say anything. I saw his fingers were white from holding on to the counter so hard. He swallowed a lot of times like he had a bunch of extra spit in his mouth. Then he turned around very slow and let go of the counter carefully like he was going to maybe fall down. He started to take some slow steps toward the hallway.