Not Perfect(78)

Tabitha held the photo close to her face, it was slightly out of focus. There was Nora, all dressed up. She must have had her hair done, it looked elegant and flawless. Behind her was a big sign that said HAPPY URANUS BIRTHDAY NORA! She looked even closer, so that the picture was practically touching her face. To Nora’s right, a man stood just off to the side. He was wearing a navy sweater with a maize block M on the front. It was Toby.





CHAPTER TWENTY

On the way out, Tabitha called the nurse’s station.

“Fifth floor, can I help you?” Tabitha thought she recognized the pretty nurse’s voice.

“Hi! This is Tabitha Brewer, Levi Brewer’s mom.” She loved saying that. “I’m on my way back, and I wanted to ask if he’s woken up at all?”

“I was just in there, and he is still out,” the nurse said. “I have a feeling he’s going to sleep for a while.”

“Okay,” Tabitha said. “I might walk back then, since I probably won’t be outside much today.”

“Take your time,” the nurse said reassuringly. “But be careful. It’s still dark out there.”

Tabitha had decided to walk home to drop off the money. She couldn’t very well take it to the hospital with her and hand it over. She smiled at the doorman, wondering if there had been any talk about what happened to Levi. She didn’t want to answer questions now and was relieved when he didn’t say anything beyond the usual “morning.”

Upstairs, she found Rachel sleeping in Fern’s bed with her. She went over and nudged her gently. Rachel jumped, and Tabitha immediately felt bad. She put her finger to her mouth and motioned for Rachel to follow her. Once they were outside in the hall, it took a few seconds for Rachel to gain her balance. Tabitha put her hand out to steady her.

“Is it Levi?” Rachel asked.

“He’s okay, the same as when you left him,” she said. “I had to do a few things, but I’m going back now.”

“You had to do a few things? It’s six in the morning. What did you have to do?”

Tabitha reached into her purse and brought out the first pile of money she could grab. She held it up.

“What the hell is that?” Rachel said, too loudly. “Did you rob a bank?”

“Look, I have no money,” Tabitha admitted, and it felt surprisingly good. “None. I know you had some hints of that, but it’s even worse than you may have thought. You know that insurance card you’re supposed to bring over to the hospital today? I’ve had it the whole time. It doesn’t work.”

“I have money,” Rachel said.

Tabitha sighed. She knew she could have asked Rachel all along. But she also knew she had paid for the sperm donation herself and that she was usually careful with her money, leading Tabitha to believe she didn’t have that much, at least not an unlimited supply, which is what this would take.

“I’m going to put it in the bank tomorrow,” Tabitha said.

“I think you might be in jail tomorrow,” Rachel shot back.

“No, no, it isn’t like that,” Tabitha said. “I got it from a friend. I’ll tell you all about it later. For now, I’m going to put it in my closet, in the top drawer. I have to go. I have to be with Levi.”

“That must be some friend,” Rachel said. “Okay, okay. I’ll stay here with Fern. I’ll make her pancakes. Should I bring her over?”

“I think so,” Tabitha said. “Let’s talk in a few hours. Oh, and when you do come, make a big show in front of the nurse about not being able to find the insurance card. Hopefully that will buy me another day at least. I’m going to have to set up some sort of payment plan. And we don’t have any pancake mix.” She pulled forty dollars out of the pile. “Take her out for pancakes on your way over.”

“Thanks,” Rachel said, taking the money but giving it a strange look when she took possession of it. “Hey, now might not be the best time to talk about it, but I’ve made a decision. A real, final decision.”

“About what?” Tabitha asked, but she immediately regretted it. “Oh, you did? A final decision? What is it?”

“I’m going to do it,” Rachel said. “I’m going to try to get pregnant. Being with your kids, seeing you handle everything yesterday without Stuart here, it made me think I can do it, too. I want to do it.”

Tabitha wanted to say all sorts of things, the first being: Are you crazy? But then they both turned to look at Fern, who was curled on her side, looking in that moment much younger than she was, and Tabitha understood.

“I’ll help you in any way I can,” she said.



After Tabitha stashed the money and was in a cab heading back to CHOP, she had a thought: Stuart. He didn’t know about Levi. If anything would bring him back to Philadelphia and to them, this would be it, right? She decided she’d ask Fern about that call, see if she really spoke to him and had any ideas about how to reach him. She’d say Levi needed him. Fern would do anything for Levi at this point. But as they neared the hospital, another thought crept in. She didn’t really want him to come back. She wanted the stability she used to have, sure, and the security of a working insurance card, but she didn’t want him. She made her own final decision in the back of that cab as they drove over the South Street Bridge. She was going to file for divorce. And with that, a third thought crept in . . . Toby. Sweet Toby. She thought she would never be able to speak to him again, not after what she’d done. Not now that she knew Nora was his mother. And somehow, at that moment, that seemed like the greatest loss of all.