If Ever(83)

Jasper watches, fascinated, as I dig deep into my pocket.

“Oh no! It’s a tickle bug!” I proceed to tickle Jasper and he squeals with innocent laughter.

Hannah scoops Bella out of the way as Jasper and I roll on the bed and I toss him in the air.

“I can see you’re the last person I’ll ask to put him to bed,” she complains with a joyful smile.

In the kitchen, with Jasper under my arm like a squirming sack of potatoes, I find Hannah’s husband, George, my brother Ben, and his wife Katie have all arrived. She’s pleasantly pregnant with their first.

“Look what the cat dragged in. About time you showed your ugly mug around here,” Ben says with a slap on my back. There are jovial hugs all around.

“Mum says you have a girlfriend,” Hannah says with Bella perched on her hip, chewing on her tiny fist.

“No way,” the over educated Ben says. “Tom fancies a girl? It must be a joke.”

I help myself to a beer from the fridge. “Just because I’ve never mentioned any women before, doesn’t mean they haven’t existed.”

“Yeah. In your dreams,” he grins, stealing my beer.

“Just ask Mum.” Hannah wipes drool from Bella’s chin.

“Yes, and she sounds lovely.”

Ben takes a swig of my beer. “Mum’s just covering for you. She can’t bare that you’re gay.”

I fetch another beer, twist the top off, and toss it into the corner trash.

“Come on Tom, give us the dirt,” my brother-in-law says.

And so I pull out my phone and bring up pictures of Chelsea. Looking at her thick mane of hair and the curve of her lips showing off her smile drives home how far apart we are.

Hannah elbows me in the ribs. “Wow, Tommy. Look at you, all gooey-faced over a picture. Never seen that before.”

“Let’s see.” Ben gives a low whistle. “What’s a looker like her doing with a mutt like you?”

“Excellent question,” I grin proudly, passing my phone around to show off Chelsea.

After a casual dinner, we hang out around the tree with the lights twinkling and music playing, catching up on everyone’s lives. Jasper has conked out and lays limp in his father’s arms.

“You have a beautiful family,” I tell Hannah, walking with her out to the car as she and George strap the kids into their car seats.

“Jasper adores you.” She kisses his pudgy cheek.

“He’s terrific.” I hate that I’m not here to watch him grow up, but then think of Chelsea and how much I miss being away from her.

After everyone’s gone home, I call her. With the time difference it’s early evening, but she doesn’t pick up. After spending the last month together, being apart is hell.





“Hey, Gran.” I give her a gentle hug and kiss on the cheek when we arrive Christmas Eve. She’s shorter, shrinking with age, but still smells of rose petals and tea.

“Look at you, Tom. So grown up and handsome.” She pats my face as if making sure I’m real, then leads me into her sitting room, ignoring the houseful of guests.

“Sorry I haven’t come home sooner,” I say realizing how fast she’s aging.

“Nonsense. You’ve been following your dreams, what could be more important than that?”

“There is family,” I say feeling guilty for neglecting mine, but Gran was the one who never questioned my desperate need to act. While Mum and Dad fretted I’d be an uneducated, unemployed flop, Gran always encouraged me to follow my dreams.

“Very true, and you’re here. What’s this I hear about a young lady?”

I smile. “Yes. Chelsea. She’s wonderful.”

Gran listens with apt attention as I tell her about how Chelsea and I met, that she’s spunky, always happy and sees the good in everything. Gran coos when I show her pictures.

“And you love her?” Her wizened old eyes settle on me.

“With all my heart.”

Gran’s eyes twinkle. “How is she in the sack?”

“Gran!” I feign shock. “A gentleman never tells.”

Satisfied, she pats my hand. “It’s certainly taken you long enough.”

“Trust me, she’s worth the wait.”

“In that case, I expect you’ll be wanting a certain trinket to take back to New York with you.”

“Yes, but only if you’re sure you want to part with it.”

She gets up and goes to her top dresser drawer. “I’m honored for you to have it. Your grandfather would be pleased.” She digs around a bit. “Ah, here it is.”





28





Iowa City

I’m drinking hot chocolate from my UI Hawkeyes mug thinking about Tom. I touch the beautiful necklace he gave me and smile as I look at a stuffed unicorn on my shelf that I’ve kept since childhood. He is incredibly thoughtful, but being apart for the past two days has been torture and reignited all my self-doubt about he and I. Now that he’s literally across the world, it would be so easy for him to move on. That whole out-of-sight, out-of-mind saying seems particularly meaningful right now, and after a week apart will he even want me to come back to New York?

My phone pings a message. I check the screen.