If Ever(21)

"Thanks. You look lovely," he takes in my willowy white dress and artfully applied stage makeup, and I'm thankful for Mary Kay's skills. He notices my nervous hands. "Are you trembling?"

"A little." I hold up a hand and it's shaking like I have the palsy. I take quick breaths as my stomach churns. Dominic massages my shoulders but it does nothing to calm me.

"Is she always this nervous before a performance," Tom asks, his brow furrowed in concern.

Dominic sighs. "Nope, this is new."

Just then the director cues a camera on us and the announcer says, "Stay tuned. After the break we have Chelsea and Dominic doing a contemporary dance accompanied by the Tony nominated Thomas Evan Oliver.

"Do you think anyone would notice if I quick went out for ice cream?" I ask, desperate to escape.

"I've got a car outside, want a ride?" Tom offers, but I see the teasing in his eyes.

I hug myself and tuck my hands under my arms. Now I'm making Dominic nervous. He gets up in my face.

"Come on, Chelsea, look at me. We're going to shake it off. Bounce with me." And he bounces on his toes, shaking his arms loose.

I give it a shot, but feel stiff as a board. Then Tom joins in, bouncing.

"What are you doing?" I ask.

"You aren't the only person who gets nervous."

He is adorable in his pristine suit, bouncing up and down. I can't help but crack a smile.

Larry gives us the sign and we take our places. The announcer's voice booms overhead. "Welcome back. Let's take a peek at how Chelsea came up with her song choice for tonight's dance."

The video package of our prep for the number begins. I expected it to be about all my failed lifts or for sure when my foot brought Dominic to his knees. Instead it shows us sitting on the rehearsal room floor and Dominic asking if I wanted to talk about why this song means so much to me and me saying, "No, I really don't."

But then for some reason I went ahead and told him, explaining that it reminds me of my parents' divorce when I was six, and my father's permanent move to France. I talk of my mother battling cancer for two years before her devastating death when I was fourteen, and how my own father wouldn't take me in after she died. He'd started a new family in Europe that didn't include me.

I stare at the monitor and watch myself explain how I tried to be perfect so my father would want me, but he still didn't. In the end I begged him to stay, but he walked out anyway. He left me behind in the U.S., a minor with no passport, and no way to follow him. I go on to tell the world how I moved in with my sick grandfather and took care of him until his death, and then lived out of his car.

I watch myself say all of this in a very matter of fact manner, but in reality, as I stand here in the middle of an empty dance floor with my soul bared to the world, my heart is breaking all over again.

On the video, I continue. "When I first discovered this song,"Stay,” I felt it was written about me, and the way the artist sings it holds so much pain. It's as if he was singing my pain."

My voice on the video breaks, and my eyes well with tears. "So basically, I have abandonment issues and am always trying to please people. I usually end up disappointed and hurt. And now I'm on this show, which I clearly don't belong on, and every week I try to please everyone, the producers, you, the judges, and viewers, and every week I fail."

The clip ends.

Oh, God, what was I thinking to reveal all that?

"Are you okay?" Dominic asks softly.

I swipe away a tear. "Yeah." I turn to Tom who's watching me with a somber expression.

The lights come up, and he begins to play. His tenor voice fills the studio, and between witnessing my video package and the comforting sound of his voice, my earlier fear is washed away. All I feel is the anguish of that day when after losing my mother, my father walked away.

We hit our cue to come in. Dominic whispers moves in my ear but quickly realizes I don't need them. I'm in the moment and the steps come as naturally as breathing. I embrace the pain and sadness of my past.

The first lift is smooth and fluid, as are the rest. Then we reach the transition where Dominic maneuvers me onto the piano for my brief solo. Before I can get nervous, Tom's voice crescendos and fills the room with the angst and torment I feel, sending me deeper into my painful past.

I lose myself in the moves and at the exact perfect moment, I throw myself off the piano and into Dominic's waiting arms for a double spin around before he releases me into two pirouettes and then I drop to the floor. The number ends with him walking away, leaving me alone, devastated, under a single spotlight.

The audience roars their approval as I take a moment there on the ballroom floor to pull myself together. Slowly I stand and fight back my emotions while trying to catch my breath. Dominic applauds me before leading us in a quick bow. We turn and gesture to Tom. He receives his own burst of applause. For an instant, his eyes meet mine, and I'm struck by the connection as if he truly understands my pain.

Then Dominic puts his arm around me, giving my shoulder a supportive squeeze as he leads me to the judges. I'm a mess. The dance opened up an old wound.

Nikki LaFlash cries at the beauty and vulnerability. Stephen applauds my bravery to portray painful emotions so honestly. Brice calls our performance a game changer and that my growth week to week is what this show is all about.