If Ever(113)

He cups my face with a gloved hand. "I love you, hot mess and all."

I step back. "Maybe I'm like my dad and will always hurt the ones who love me."

"You're nothing like him," He snaps. "You're just hurting and not thinking straight." We reach the apartment. The sky decides to open up and add freezing sleet to the mix. "And when were you planning on going?"

I'm silent for a moment my eyes connect with his and I well up with tears. "Tonight, while you’re at your show."

His mouth drops open and he takes a step back. "That's just grand. Well, guess what? I won't let you."

I sigh and say softly, "You can't stop me."

"Bloody hell, watch me!" He pushes his grocery bag into my arms and while I fumble not to drop it, he pulls off his gloves and digs into my purse.

"What are you doing?"

"Where are your keys?" He demands, searching through the contents.

"Stop. They're not in there."

He keeps looking anyway. "Where are they?" He yells as sleet pelts us both.

I flinch having never seen him like this. He's desperate and pissed. "In my coat pocket, but—

Before I can react, he slides his hand into my pocket and snatches my keys. I'm holding all the groceries, so I can't stop him. He gives me a pointed nod and stalks away from our apartment building.

"Where are you going?" I chase after him.

"You can't leave if you can't get your things." He picks up his pace and I'm forced to follow, the groceries jostling in my arms.

"Tom, Are you out of your mind? Give me back my keys."

"No." He dodges a car when crossing against the walk sign. "I don't know how I let things get to this place again, but I need to fix it for once and for all."

I catch up, my steps sync with his. "Tom. It's not you. Don't you see? It's me. I'm broken."

He stops. "I don't care about that." He continues walking, putting distance between us and the apartment. "Do you know how long I've been searching for you?"

I stare at him, confused and unsure of myself. "But I'm a dysfunctional disaster."

A delivery truck blasts its horn as it turns in front of us. He catches my arm and pulls me to safety as it motors past. I shake my head and we cross at a more steady pace.

"You've just been knocked down a lot. Every time you gain momentum, something happens. I curse all the bad luck and dark bastards that have hurt you, but you're letting your fears drive you into making a terrible decision."

But it doesn't matter. I'm not good for him. "Maybe we just used up all the good stuff and it's time to say goodbye," I say.

He stops in front of a Laundromat and takes me by the shoulders, forcing me to look at him. "Answer me one question. And be honest. Do you love me?"

I tear up. "I'll always love you."

He sighs in relief and smiles as if everything will be all right, but it won't. "That doesn't mean we can survive my neurosis. My father broke my family. I don't know how to stay in a healthy relationship. And even though I love you, it will never be enough."

He laughs. "All those flaws of yours, that's what makes you special and real. And no matter how intense I get about work, or obsessive in my habits, you accept me, and support me with a fierceness that makes me feel invincible. Let me be that for you."

Tom's declarations have me wavering. I thought I knew what was right for both of us. And now I don't know what to do.

"I've been a fool to put this off for so long. I was trying to find the perfect moment." In the middle of the bustling sidewalk, with icy sleet coming down, he removes his hat and bends down on one knee. He pulls something from his pocket.

A delicate ring is nestled between his thumb and forefinger. I gasp.

He presents it, watching me expectantly as people push past.

"You have a ring!"

"I do." He smiles, all signs of his earlier frustration gone.

I stare at the delicate vines etched around the antique band and the sparkling solitaire. My mind flits to a million thoughts at once, but instead of saying something normal, I blurt, "Where did you get that?"

He chuckles.

I glance around nervously. "Because people don't walk around with expensive looking rings in their pocket."

"My grandmother." His eyes don't leave my face as his hand is outstretched before me, offering me the world.

People push by, annoyed at the traffic jam we've created. Others stop to watch. I lower the grocery bags to the pavement. "Does she know you have it?" I ask in a shaky voice.

He grins. "Yes, she wanted me to give it to my future wife."

Wife? For real? I cover my mouth. His eyes twinkle with humor.

"I asked her for it when I went home."

My jaw drops. He's known that long?

"I've been carrying this ring in my pocket for two weeks. I've been trying to think of the perfect time and place to ask you to be my wife. Proposing on the sidewalk in front of a grungy Laundromat in a cold rain wasn’t part of the plan.” A bus roars by and a cab lays on his horn as if to drive home his point. “But the fact is, it doesn't matter where we are, only that we're together."