If Ever(112)

"I won't," I finally say, partly because I promised Tom that I'd never bolt again. I'd talk to him first.

I spend the evening thinking through every scenario of how things could go down for Tom and I. What if his movie is a hit and he gets more movies and has to be gone all the time? How many more Broadway shows will be out of town for months at a time? Even if we get through this time, can we make it through the next? And how am I supposed to hold myself together each time that door closes behind him? A hurricane of emotion battles my heart. I can't figure out how to do this without becoming a psychotic mess.

When he arrives home, I'm in bed because I'm afraid to face him in the light. "How was the show?" I ask as though it's any other night.

"Good. You know, now that I'm down to the last couple, I savor each one. I can't believe I'm actually leaving. This one is gonna hurt."

"I know." I answer, cupping his sweet face. I want him to know how bad I feel, but I don't know how to put it into words.

We make love, gently at first. I watch how his body moves with each breath he takes. Our eyes meet. His lids are heavy and his pupils dark with desire. He presses his hips to mine in a circular motion that nearly ruins me. And then our lovemaking turns urgent and desperate. I cling to him, my fingers digging into his back. Our passion is both heaven and hell as my mind wreaks havoc on our future.

I can't be the girl he deserves. I'm broken and damaged and unable to hang on to love. After we cry out our release, I roll away to hide my tears.

Tom is right there caressing my hair. "What's wrong?"

"I guess I'm really emotional today. Lots of changes. I'll be fine." I try to keep the pain out of my voice. Our time together has gone so fast, and like a dream, it could never last.

"I love you." He kisses my temple. "There's a lot going on right now, but it's all good." He settles his arms around me and falls asleep as tears silently dampen my pillow.





46





We're picking up a few groceries at the market. Tom holds up a package of sushi. I wrinkle my nose and go back to pretending to read the back of a paperback. No reason to buy the large package for only one person to eat. This is turning out to be the longest day of my life.

Tom takes the basket to check out. He's been so stressed trying to figure out his job offers that he hasn't noticed my turmoil, which is a relief. The checker scans the items while I wait quietly.

"Is everything okay?" He asks.

I try to smile, but it comes off as pained.

His brow furrows. "What is it?"

"Not here," I say as the clerk finishes.

He frowns and collects one bag by the cloth handle and I take the other. We step outside into the brisk air and leaden sky. He watches me closely, wondering what I'm thinking. I'm going to have to tell him sooner than planned. As we walk back to his place, I try to find the right words, but can't, so I remain silent.

"Please, Chelsea. You've got to talk to me."

I nod.

We reach a stoplight and pause for the walk sign. He holds my gaze, worried and waiting for an answer.

"I don't want to upset you before your show." I stare at the pavement.

He goes still. "Are you leaving me?"

I blink. The light changes and the people around us walk, but Tom is anchored in place.

I sigh with guilty resignation.

His expression is disbelief and then anger. "You were going to evaporate into thin air again?" He storms across the street.

I rush to catch up. "I was going to tell you first!"

"Well, that's just smashing!" He continues down the block than turns abruptly and stops. "Why?" He implores. "I thought we were good. No, I thought we were great."

I swallow, my mouth gone dry. He searches my tortured face for answers I don't want to give. Finally I breathe the words in a whisper, "You'll be leaving. You'll always be leaving."

He takes my arm. "I'm not leaving you. I'm leaving for work, and I will always come back."

"But we don't know that for certain. Things could change and you’ll move on.”

He shakes his head, as if he doesn’t understand.

“Don’t you see? I'm a train wreck. I'm scarred. It's better if I end it now because you deserve so much better," I say.

"I deserve you."

I disagree, but it makes no difference. He'd be better off without me. We walk again. And my heart is breaking even though I know this is for the best.

“There's got to be more going on here. Do you want me to quit acting? Is that it?"

I'm horrified. "God, no! I would never forgive myself if you quit."

He seems relieved to hear that. "But you can't be with me if I don't?"

"I, I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. These past months have been the best of my life, but I don't know how to cope in a relationship where the person I love is constantly leaving me. It's like living a nightmare on repeat. And I've always been bad at relationships. This is nothing new."

"That's total bullshit and you know it."

But it's not. It's my truth. "Maybe this break up will be good. You'll realize I'm a pain in the ass and find someone less messed up."