Confessions of a Curious Bookseller(54)
Fawn Birchill/CuriousCatBooks/3m
Fawn here! How excited are we for the #Mark Twain #Event tomorrow!? Post your adjectives!
Fawn Birchill/CuriousCatBooks/2m
Fawn here! #Fabulously, #voraciously, #rapaciously, #loquaciously, #exuberantly, #buoyantly, #over-the-top, #heart-poundingly . . .
Fawn Birchill/CuriousCatBooks/1m
(continued) #shout-it-from-the-rooftops, #head-over-heels #excited for the #Mark Twain #Event!
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 5:09 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Gum
Dear Staff,
Will someone please own the problem of scraping the gum off the sidewalk out front? If you squirt Goo Gone over it and then apply a paint scraper, it should come right up.
Many thanks,
Fawn, Owner
From: Kyle Krazinsky
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 5:16 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Gum
Hey Fawn,
Um, do you know how much old gum is out there?
Kyle
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 5:24 PM
To: Staff
Re: Gum
Dear Kyle,
I do not want our refined guests walking over forty-year-old gum to get into my store. Additionally, Angela, can you please dust? And all of you: please ensure NO ONE uses the customer bathroom, as the floor’s integrity is still questionable. For relief they may use my personal bathroom. Please direct them there if they must go. As there were no volunteers, thank you in advance, Kyle, for taking care of the gum problem.
Fawn, Owner
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 5:30 PM
To: Keith Vandetty
Subject: URGENT: Missing your cue
Dear Keith,
I am emailing you because you are not picking up your phone. You were supposed to be here twenty minutes ago, and I already have people lined up outside begging to be let in. Are you okay? Please get here.
Fawn
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 5:45 PM
To: Keith Vandetty
Subject: URGENT: The show must go on
Keith,
I’ve opened the doors and told people that you would be a little late because your limo got into a minor accident on the way over—who knew I was so good at improvisation? Many have purchased the books and are now standing about eating my pepperoni and cheese and talking about West Philadelphia as if they’ve been here before and are not frightened of it. Some have come from as far as Princeton. There are BMWs parked outside! Please, please for all that is good, get your tush over here! I don’t know how long I can keep them here and keep them happy!
Fawn
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 6:00 PM
To: Staff
Subject: Two things <URGENT>
Dear Staff,
1. Have you seen Butterscotch?
2. Help me think of an excuse for Keith’s absence that won’t make these people feel cheated! I doubt he is going to show himself at this point. I see them eyeing the windows. I don’t think they like being out here after dark.
Fawn, Owner
From: Angela Washington
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 6:08 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Two things <URGENT>
Haven’t seen Butterscotch.
What if we say this guy just died on the way here in a terrible car accident?
—A
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 6:14 PM
To: Staff
Re: Two things <URGENT>
Dear Angela,
Perhaps a heart attack would be better?
Fawn, Owner
From: Sam Asimov
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 6:20 PM
To: Fawn Birchill, Staff
Re: Two things <URGENT>
Hi Fawn,
A heart attack isn’t tragic enough. You want people to buy stuff, right? Also, maybe the car accident wasn’t so bad and he can come in tomorrow? A heart attack would lay him out for days.
Also, can we please group text instead?
Sam
From: Fawn Birchill
Sent: Fri, Feb 8, 2019 at 6:23 PM
To: Staff
Re: Two things <URGENT>
Dear Sam,
Good point. I don’t know how to group text, and since you’re responding so quickly to my emails, I see no reason to fix what isn’t broken.
Thank you,
Fawn, Owner
P.S. No one has seen Butterscotch?
February 8, 2019
Disaster doesn’t quite sum it up enough. After telling everyone that their guest couldn’t make it due to minor injuries from an accident on the way over, I was forced, after much protesting by my customers, to refund the tickets. I felt like Marie Antoinette kneeling at the chopping block! I sat gallantly behind my counter with Kyle at my side and issued refunds until I thought my fingers were going to fall off. I also gave them all discounts on their already-purchased books.
To make matters even worse, instead of going home, more than half my guests went down the block to the Grumpy Mug. All that advertising and hard work was not all for naught—it was all for Mark! So in the end, I lost a great amount of money and at the same time provided him with an influx of wealthy customers—all primed to spend good money at a bookstore.
After they had left and the sound of the last BMW engine dissipated into the night, I wearily asked that my staff take five minutes and look for Butterscotch—but the search was in vain.