Bullet(36)

But he started the van and backed up, not realizing the distress he’d caused me. He asked, “You like being onstage, don’t you?”

“Well, yeah…”

He looked over at me and smiled, but the dark partially masked his face. “You should do it more often.” He looked back at the road. “You’re good at it.”

Well, I didn’t know about that, but I did know I’d enjoyed it. A couple of the girls in the back started giggling, and Brad reached over and cranked the music. I saw that he’d already had a CD player installed, so I figured the speakers were top of the line. Brad took his music seriously. Buried under the music, I let my mind wander, spurred by his last words. Yes, I’d loved being on that stage. I never would have thought I’d really enjoy something like that, but I had. I had to quell those emotions, though, because I knew nothing would ever come of it. It was temporary. The summer would soon be over, and I’d be back at school…with or without Ethan.

Brad parked the van at one of the cheaper motels in town, just a few blocks away on the same side of town but near the outskirts. As everyone was piling out, Brad hung back so he could lock up the van. He said to me, “Yeah, I know it’s not the greatest accommodations and, yeah, we’re all sharing just one room, but we’re starving musicians, right?”

“I didn’t say a word. I’m impressed as hell at the van.”

He smiled. “I knew there was a reason I liked you.” He affectionately touched my chin with his fist.

By the time we got to the room, the rest of the gang had already piled in. I wasn’t surprised when I saw Nick and Zane open a dresser drawer and pull out bottles upon bottles of liquor. I raised my eyebrows. “Where do you guys get all that?”

Brad wiggled his eyebrows up and down, and I knew I was in line to get a smartass answer. “Connections.”

He closed the door behind me. Everyone was sitting in a circle—some were on the edges of the beds, two were sitting on chairs, and Ethan was flanked by the blonde twins on the floor. He had a matching pair. How cute. Brad and I sat on the edge of the bed closest to the door.

Ethan pulled a cigarette out of his pocket…at least, that was what I’d thought it was at first. I found out quickly, based on its uneven size, that it was a joint. He lit it and held the smoke in while handing it to the girl on his left. Then he took three other joints and the lighter and handed them to Nick who started spreading the joy. Zane, meanwhile, had started a few bottles going around the circle.

Oh, God. I was the stick in the mud here, and I knew it. I wasn’t going to be drinking or smoking, and I could have kicked myself. I should have known this was the kind of thing they were going to do when Brad had invited me to party, but I hadn’t thought much about it. I’d instead just wanted to spend time with the guys…well, Ethan. And he’d already ruined that.

Before I could fully register what was happening, everyone except for me had taken a drink or a toke or both. Brad had a joint in between his fingers and pulled on it, holding it in his lungs until he couldn’t anymore, and then he blew it out in a slow, lazy exhale. He handed it to me, and I immediately started to hand it to the girl seated next to me.

Brad leaned close. “Come on, Val. Just try it.”

I trusted Brad, yes, but I’d never tried anything like marijuana, and I wasn’t ready to cross that line. I shook my head and so he nodded, and then I passed the joint on. He closed his eyes and said, “Fuck. That’s nice.” I wondered how much the pot and booze had cost them in addition to everything else. At this rate, they probably weren’t making any money playing the music, but I wasn’t going to tell them how to live their lives.

“I’m gonna get some water. Do you know where the vending machines are?”

“Don’t waste your money. There are glasses on the counter over there, and I’ll go get some ice since none of these douchebags bothered.”

So I got up and got some water while Brad left with the bucket to find ice. I poured some water into the glass and sucked it down, then poured another glass when Brad showed up with ice. There was some conversation about music, some about the show itself, but Brad and I were quiet. He had a couple more hits and one more swig out of one of the bottles floating around. As the minutes ticked by, I felt myself getting a little lightheaded. As more minutes ticked by, everyone in the room started getting a little friendlier, but my attention kept getting drawn to Ethan. The two blondes were now sitting on their haunches facing each other in front of Ethan’s face, and I got the idea they were responding to his commands. It pissed me off that the lyrics I wrote for him helped him score those girls. In that way, I guessed I couldn’t blame anyone but myself. The two girls started kissing each other, and before I could look away, Brad said, “Why don’t we go sit in the van and talk?”

I didn’t know what his motive was for offering to get me out of there, if he’d seen the look of horror on my face at the girls or felt bad about the pot or if he had other designs. But it felt like a rescue, and I was going to take it.

He took me by the hand and I stood, and that was when I noticed Zane getting friendly with his date as well. Yes, I was being saved…from what, I didn’t know, but I felt immense relief. If being in a band meant a nightly drunken orgy, I knew I needed to hang up the music fantasy right now.

It was quiet in the dark parking lot. There was only one street lamp in the lot, and it was closer to the office by the street, so even though the light reached his van, it wasn’t bright. Brad leaned over and had trouble getting his key in the lock, so he started feeling for it with the fingers on his other hand. Then he started laughing. He was feeling no pain at that moment.

He got the door open, and I could feel the stifling heat that had been trapped inside pouring out. “We need to open the windows.” He moved to the front and turned on the van so he could roll them down, and so I sat in the passenger seat. When he finished, he said, “Let’s sit back there where there’s more leg room.”

Okay, now I figured out his ulterior motive but decided I was okay with it. Looking back, I know I also had a bit of a contact high, so my judgment was impaired, but deep at the heart of it, I also felt an undeniable sexual attraction for the man who was at the passenger door before I could barely get the door open. He placed his hands on my waist and lowered me down out of the van. And the look in his eyes was like a harpoon…Cupid’s harpoon. Except it didn’t infect me with love but sexual desire.

But we got in, and he urged me to sit in the seat in the very back. It was a little bigger than the one in the middle. Once he sat down next to me, he started laughing again, this time uncontrollably. I couldn’t figure out what was so funny, but his laughter was infectious. Soon I started giggling at him, and I didn’t finish until my stomach ached.

But then his face got serious again, and he stroked my cheek. “Sorry about earlier. I guess we put you in an uncomfortable position. I didn’t know you didn’t smoke pot.”

“I was accused of being prude in high school more than once.”

He placed his hand on my thigh. “Oh, I don’t think you’re prude, Val. You just haven’t met your drug of choice, and you definitely haven’t met the right guy.”

His hand was warm. I was staring at it and deciding if I wanted to push it off my leg or not. As usual, though, I couldn’t resist Brad…flirting with him or anything else. So I said, “Meaning you’re the wrong guy?”

He smirked at me, and I wished I could figure out what he was thinking. “Yeah, I’m sure I’m the wrong guy, but I can feel like the right one if you let me try.”

I don’t know why, but his words were exactly what I needed to hear in that hazy state, and I felt like the most special girl in the world then. Brad had that effect on me, and I think it’s because I’d never seen him with another female…ever. It allowed me to believe him. Someone like Ethan, though…it was evident that he loved women, but he loved all of them. Whether Brad had designs on other girls or not, I didn’t know, because I’d never seen him hit on other girls when I was around. It was like he only had eyes for me. And I don’t have any idea why, because—even though that sexual attraction was there—I didn’t feel like I was encouraging him at all. He knew I was hung up on Ethan. He’d known that from the first day I’d met him.

“Did I tell you already how much I like this skirt?”

In spite of my muddled emotions (or because of them), I liked his hand on my thigh and a deep, dark part of me that I would never admit to thought I wouldn’t mind if he moved his hand even higher. But I struggled to maintain control. Still, I couldn’t stop myself from flirting. “Your eyes did.”

He took his hand off my leg and placed it on the back of my neck while his lips touched mine. The passion—yes, it was still there, murky and bottomless, threatening to consume us both, but somehow he had a grip on himself. I didn’t know if it was the pot helping him to slow down, but this kiss was not like the kisses we’d shared in the past, as few as they’d been. This kiss felt like an exploration…not just of my mouth but of what was between us. It was questioning, probing, moving slowly, hoping to find something.