Bullet(31)

Brad was no dummy, though. He let out a long breath of air and loosened his grip on me. “And…I already told you, as you’ll recall, nothing between you and me as long as he’s in the picture.” He let me go and turned around to pace the length of my room. He let out another deep breath and then looked over at me, still frozen in place by the door. All I could hear was his step, one after the other, as I held my breath, waiting to hear what he had to say. “So…how about we go grab a bite to eat? I’m starving.”

“Uh, I…”

“On me.”

Well, after breaking his heart and crushing his balls, it was the least I could do.





Chapter Fourteen



WE FINALLY SAT in a booth at McDonald’s, Brad with an entire tray of food, me with a cup of coffee, hash browns, and a small breakfast sandwich. So…unlike his bandmates, Brad at least appeared to have a little money to spend. It made me curious. “So…what do you do besides play in your band? Where do you work?”

He sneered. “I work for one of those places that changes oil. Pretty much sucks.” He smiled. “Course, anything that doesn’t have anything to do with music sucks, as far as I’m concerned.” He took a bite of his sandwich, and after he swallowed, he said, “But I’m saving up so I can actually make something of my life.”

“What are your plans?”

“I’m pretty sure you have the idea. I don’t have any crazy notions, like we have to move to New York or L.A. or Seattle, but we need to amass a fan base. Nothing happens nowadays without fans, and we won’t get fans by sitting around on our asses. That’s part of why I booked that show here—the sooner Ethan and Zane realize college isn’t their future, the sooner we can get on with our lives. They need to feel the need in their blood.”

Oh…so Brad planned to take Ethan out of my life for good. It didn’t matter that I hadn’t decided if college was my future either; it was all I’d known in my short adult life, but the one constant so far for me had been Ethan. For him to be gone, whether I wanted to scratch his eyes out or not, hit hard. But I tried to keep my emotions under check. “So what are you thinking?”

“I dunno. Colorado Springs, Denver, some of the big college towns. But that would involve moving to one of those places. I’m thinking Denver. It’s huge. I bet we could have shows booked all the time.”

We ate in silence for a few minutes until he said, “So, that’s what I’m saving up for. I’m sure my mom will be thrilled for me to move out.”

“You think so?”

“Actually, no. I’m her youngest kid and she’s divorced, so she really doesn’t want me to leave. But I’ve been trying to prepare her for it.” I nodded and took a sip of my coffee. He looked up at me. “So what about you, Val? What big plans do you have for the future?”

I took a deep breath. I was no more decided about my future this early morning in April than I had been when I’d chosen my classes at freshman orientation the summer before. I shook my head. “I have no idea what I want to be when I grow up.”

He laughed. “Okay…I’ll ask you what my douchebag counselor asked me my junior year in high school.” He sat up straight in the booth and wrinkled up his face, pretending to peer over the rims of glasses and screwing up his mouth. Then he talked in a garbled voice that was higher pitched than his regular speaking voice. “What are your interests, Mr. Payne? What do you find yourself doing when you lose track of time?”

I giggled. “Those seem to be reasonable questions.”

“Yeah, they were, even though he was reading them off a card while looking out the window watching the cheerleaders practice on the front lawn. And when I told him my answer, he told me to be realistic.” He used the counselor’s voice again, once more sending me into peals of laughter.

“You seem to be talented with your impersonations too.”

“Yeah, but seriously…what interests you, Val? There’s gotta be something, right?”

I thought about it…really thought about it. But I still gave a lame answer. “Well, isn’t that why I’m taking all these classes, these varied classes, to help me figure out what I like?”

“Maybe…so have you found something?”

“That’s the problem. Everything seems fun…for a while.”

He looked at me hard, as though he were peering into my soul…and it felt like it. “You like writing?”

“I guess.”

“Because that shit you wrote for us was phenomenal.”

I felt my cheeks grow warm. “I thought you were just saying that.”

He smiled. “Because I was drunk? I’ll let you in on a little secret.” He winked. “I’m brutally honest when I’m drunk. Scary honest.”

I tried to think back to exactly what he’d said last night about the songs I’d written. I couldn’t remember his exact words, but he’d pretty much gushed. So I just nodded and took a sip of my coffee, hoping it had cooled down enough that I could get lost in it for a bit.

But when I put the stupid cup down, he was still looking at me, intent. “You ever think about being in a band?”

Yes, I had, but it was something I’d never admitted to anyone else before. Yeah, there were more women in metal today than ever before, but it still seemed to be a mostly boys’ club. Add to it that many guys in that culture still loved to objectify women. They acted like we lived in the middle ages, like women were theirs for the taking. Would someone like me even be able to hold her own in a business like that?

I knew the answer. So even though I knew I would love it, I shrugged my shoulders and conjured up the most blasé face I could muster. “Nah.” And then I focused on my coffee again.

* * *

Up through finals week, I caught glimpses of Ethan here and there, and he was always with a girl. A different girl to boot. But I just put my mind to studying and trying my best to ignore him.

Brad texted me once in a while, usually just to say a quick hi. He’d tried to connect with me on Facebook, but I’d realized it was too big a timewaster, so I’d been avoiding it since the third week of school. I logged on once in a while but realized it was either Facebook or decent grades. I chose to focus on school work. Still, Brad made the effort to keep in touch. I slipped once and mentioned that Ethan was on his tenth girl of the week, and Brad just texted back that Ethan was like that. And then I didn’t hear much from Brad for over a week, so I realized I needed to keep Ethan talk out of it.

But then finals week was over. The last time Ethan and I had looked each other in the eye and had a conversation was when I’d kicked him out of my dorm room. And the longer the time passed by, the more I hated him for the way he’d just dropped me…like a piece of meat he was no longer interested in. I didn’t understand what the problem was, and it made no sense to me, but we didn’t even have a chance to get sick of each other. He’d just decided he was done with me.

That Thursday night, Zane stopped by my room to say goodbye for the summer. He said Brad had managed to get them some tour dates for the summer throughout Colorado. He wasn’t sure where or when they were yet, but he asked me to keep my eyes open for Fully Automatic in a town near me. I figured the closest they’d come would be Colorado Springs, if they even made it that far. But I would keep my eyes peeled. I was happy that they were starting to enjoy playing to real crowds with real people, and I knew that was all thanks to Brad’s efforts. Secretly, I hoped Ethan would break his hand so he couldn’t play. Then I felt bad for thinking that…and then I justified it with myself that it was okay for me to feel that way, especially considering Ethan loved his stupid guitar more than anything else in the whole world…so for him not to be able to caress it for a few weeks…well, that thought made me smile more than it should have.

Ethan had once said that he never wanted me to hate him. Well, if that were really true, he shouldn’t have asked for it. I was well on my way to fully hating him. Not only had he finished our short-lived romance, but he’d also terminated our friendship in the process. Yeah, I did hate him for that.

The first week I was home, I relaxed. The burden of school was off my shoulders. It was so weird being there. I felt like a fish out of water. Sure, I was welcome there; I was loved there; but it didn’t feel like I belonged there anymore. Really, it didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. But I spent the first week at home kind of settling in and figuring out where I fit now that I was back there.

And then I figured I should start looking for a job. I’d pretty much been a poor college student when I was attending classes, but school took so much effort that getting a job scared me. I wasn’t sure that I could handle both. Now that I understood how school worked, I figured I’d be able to handle it when I returned in the fall.