Bullet(34)

“What is it about you

That makes me weak in the knees?

You’re the only one on this earth

Never needs to say please.



But you know my weakness,

Know where I hide my soul.

Yet you kept me safe

And you made me whole.

You made me whole.”



He looked at me as he said the last line, just a sly glance to the side, and it nearly wrecked me. And then he started the chorus.



“But you’re the rainbow I can’t touch,

The forbidden fruit I want so much.

Just one taste, one night together

Would help me endure the rest of forever.”



The emotion in Brad’s voice as he sang the chorus nearly crushed me. He did know, must have known I’d written it about him. How could he not know? I had hoped he would just like the song and gloss over it like some of the most complicated poems I’d read in my poetry class. Brad might have been a lot of things, but he was no idiot, and he’d figured it out.

So now I had to contend with emotion too, and how the hell would I be able to sing that way? I tried to think of the most peaceful place I could think of. It was a place where my parents used to take us camping as kids, high in the Rockies, next to the clearest creek I’d ever seen, a place full of warm fun days and cold nights, even in July, a place where the air was crisp and clean, and I could see the Milky Way at night. I thought of myself there and tried my damnedest not to think about what had been on my mind the night I’d written the words that started pouring out of my mouth. I held the mike in the stand on both sides as though I’d fall over if it didn’t hold me up.



“You said that you’d wait for me

But you didn’t know what that entailed.

You didn’t know my heart was diseased.

In all things love I have failed.



But you seem to see right through me.

You know my heart’s desires.

I don’t think I ever fooled you

When you set my soul on fire.

You set my soul on fire.”



And I started singing the chorus, but I still wasn’t going to look at Brad or Ethan or anybody. I was looking into the void, the black across the way, and I felt safe there. But I saw Brad out of the corner of my eye, and he got close to me. He started harmonizing on the chorus with me, even though he’d told me he was going to do that at the end. But I could read his intent. He wanted me to keep singing, to run with the bridge, and he’d back me up with harmony. So I did. And, for never having practiced together, we sounded pretty good. Our voices meshed together really well.



“You will be my heaven and hell,

My promise so far away.

Can I wait until that day?”



And then Brad moved out from behind the mike to play a solo I hadn’t heard in the acoustic version. It was wrought with raw emotion, and in that moment, I defied anyone who’d dismissed the electric guitar as simply a loud but inferior instrument to tell me otherwise. I could sense what he was feeling, and it was intense. I looked up from his guitar in the crowd and smiled at the cell phones swaying back and forth. Holy shit! That praise was for my words! Well, not just that. It was for Brad’s incredible music writing too. The song was nearly perfect by my estimation. And I was so immersed in the music, I almost forgot to start singing again. But Brad didn’t let me forget.

And this time I looked at him as we sang the chorus the last time. Yes, he knew.

And, based on the audience reaction, I think they had an inkling too. I just hoped Ethan and the other guys didn’t pick up on it. Well, I figured Ethan was clueless. I’d seen him play enough to know that if it wasn’t his guitar, it was off his radar, so I figured I was safe there.

Brad threw his guitar pick in the audience and then wrapped his hand around my neck to pull me close. He kissed me on the cheek and said, “Thanks for being a good sport.”

I just smirked at him and then tried to figure out how I was going to get off the stage. I needed to maneuver past some of the platforms and amps they had near the edge. Getting up might have been easier. But I found a space wide enough for my butt and sat on the edge, then dropped to the floor. As the applause died down, I heard Brad say, “Wasn’t she great?”

They started playing the next song, something hardcore to switch gears and move out of ballad territory, which was good for this crowd who looked ready to start moshing. I stood next to Jill and Chad again, and Jill said, “I’d forgotten how great your voice is, Val. You wrote that song?”

I grinned. “Just the words. Brad wrote the music.”

“That was great.”

I was glad it was dark, because she couldn’t see me blushing. I focused my eyes back on the band. Well, so much for being off Ethan’s radar. He looked pretty irritated.

But the rest of the time I watched them, I not only enjoyed the music, I basked in that feeling of being onstage. It was such a high, and I can’t describe what a rush it was. To feel like I was giving my soul to a throng of people, and they were loving it and giving it back…incredible. Those of us onstage were joined with the crowd by the music. So part of me envied the guys onstage. I knew they’d worked hard for this moment and all the moments that would follow, but now I’d gotten a taste—a real taste—and suddenly I experienced clarity. These four men loved being in their band more than anything else in the world, something they’d dedicated themselves wholly to, something they loved beyond everything else. Why couldn’t I do something like that?

Well, I couldn’t. I hadn’t had enough musical training, for starters. My music reading ability was pathetic at best. I might have loved music, but I couldn’t write it, couldn’t perform it save singing, and even despite that, I knew I was no Lita Ford or Cristina Scabbia. So…I needed to just relish the memory.

They were so good, and I was sad when it was over. I knew the other bands would be great, but they’d pale in comparison, mainly because I didn’t know them and didn’t know any of their songs like I did those that belonged to Fully Automatic.

While the band took their equipment off stage, Chad went outside to smoke and Jill went with him. I considered going too but didn’t want to miss if any of the guys came out to say hi. Sure enough, Brad came out a little while later and gave me a hug. “Still want to kill me?”

I couldn’t help but grin. “Yeah. A little.”

“They loved you.”

I wanted to believe that. “They loved us.”

He shook his head. “Nope. I know better.” I rolled my eyes, and he took that as a cue to change the subject. “So…wanna party with us after?”

I shrugged. “Maybe. I came with Jill and Chad, though. Is it okay if they come along?”

“Of course. The more, the merrier, right?” I smiled. “You coming to tomorrow night’s show too?”

“I wanted to but…oh, yeah. Never mind.”

“What?”

“Well, I didn’t think I was gonna have money for tickets, but I forgot Chad and Jill paid for their own.”

“So? Text me when you get there, and I’ll get you in the back door.”

“Actually, it’s a bar, so should I even be there?”

“Who cares? If you’re with me, they can’t say shit. You’re part of the band.”

“Oh, no. You’re not getting me to sing again.”

He paused for a moment, looking in my eyes, trying to read something. “You trying to tell me you didn’t like that?”

“No, I did. But I don’t want to get too used to it.”

“Why not?” No. He was getting too close…not bodily, but he knew. How was it Brad was always able to read me so easily?

I was trying to change the subject when Jill and Chad showed up. “Hey, guys. Brad wanted to know if you wanted to party with them after the concert.”

Chad said, “Probably not. Sorry. I have to work in the morning.”

I didn’t want to make them feel bad about it, so I said, “Not a problem.” I turned back to Brad. “You’ll be partying tomorrow night too, right?”

“If you have to ask, you don’t know me very well.”

I gave him a fake look of disgust. “And you’ll be in my hometown tomorrow night.”

He smiled. “Yeah.” The rest of the band joined us eventually, and we enjoyed rocking out to the other two bands. By the end, I was tired too and glad I wouldn’t be partying, but tomorrow was Saturday, which meant I could sleep late and, therefore, stay up later.

When it was time to leave, I hugged them all and told them good night. Ethan held me longer than he should have, and he asked, “Will I see you tomorrow?”

I smiled in spite of myself. He had a hold on me I couldn’t explain. “Of course.” And so he kissed me again, right there in front of everybody, tongue and all.