Bullet(41)

He was making fun of the show. I glanced over at him, and his eyes were still closed, but he had a smile on his face. “I thought you were sleeping.”

He opened his eyes. “Who can sleep through this riveting programming?”

I giggled. “What else was I supposed to do while you guys were getting your beauty rest?”

He sat up and stretched his neck. “You trying to tell me this is the only shit you could find?”

I got up and handed him the remote. “I just wanted something to do while I waited for you guys. I want to practice.”

He looked at me then, those dark eyes of his understanding. “Val, you’ll be fine. We’ll have a goddamn blast and make a little cash while we’re at it. It’s cool.”

I took a deep breath and smiled. I nodded my head. “When can we start?”

That’s when he stood up. “First, we gotta get these lazy motherf*ckers up.” He walked over to Zane and nudged him with the tip of his boot. “Hey, man…we got a vocalist here itching to try us out.”

Zane muttered something into the pillow but started moving. Brad wasn’t wasting any time, though. He strode to the bottom of the stairs and shouted up. “Ethan! Get your ass out of bed!”

“I’m up.”

“Hurry up. Val’s chomping at the bit here.”

Ethan opened his bedroom door, so I could hear him better. “Gimme five minutes to shower.”

Brad walked back to the living room. “Did you hear all that?” I nodded. “Feel better?”

I smiled a little and nodded, but no, I didn’t feel better…not yet. But this was a good start.





Chapter Eighteen



“GODDAMMIT. WHAT THE f*ck are you doing, Nick?” Ethan was pissed. He and Nick had been going back and forth for the last hour, bickering over stupid stuff. Ethan had accused Nick of doing something funky with the percussion. I couldn’t understand his exact issue, so I just shut my mouth. But Ethan really jumped on him this time.

I’d been giving it my all, but I was starting to worry. We sucked. We totally sucked. I knew they had to be already regretting asking me aboard. While Ethan and Nick were settling their shit, Brad stood by me and placed his hand on my shoulder. “You’re doing a great job, Val, but don’t sing at top capacity. You need to save your voice for tonight. No need to impress us. Just do what you gotta do to feel comfortable, and drink lots of water.”

I took the hint and grabbed my bottle of water off the floor and had another swig while Ethan told Nick he was f*cking up the song. I still wasn’t convinced that I was doing a great job, but I tried to not worry. Brad said, “Shut the f*ck up, guys. Work through it. Val wants to go through the set twice, and we’re never gonna get it done if you keep this shit up.” Ethan wasn’t budging, though. He was over at the drum kit hovering, and Nick was standing too, puffing out his chest. Nick might have been a quiet guy, but he wasn’t backing down from Ethan’s challenge.

Brad walked over and pulled Ethan away. He wasn’t forceful or anything, and I wasn’t really sure how he’d managed it, but he got Ethan to back off. Before Ethan had completely returned to position, Brad said, “This practice isn’t for you guys. It’s for Val. Let’s give her what she needs.”

We did get through the set once, but then I was ready to cry. We sounded awful. Brad, seeming to be a natural-born leader, told us we needed a break. We could all go out for lunch, or we could take a break apart. If we needed a little time away from each other, that was fine, but we had to be ready to work together…at least tonight, if nothing else.

Brad offered to buy, so all the guys decided to go together. I’d just about had all the testosterone I could stand, but I thought it was important that I be with them, especially if we were to bond as a band. None of the guys seemed to have a beef with me; they just couldn’t get along amongst themselves. And maybe that was just preshow tension. I hoped so. My dreams of enjoying myself this summer were fast fading. No way could I stand this kind of behavior for that long.

But the second rehearsal was much better. I wasn’t sure why, but Ethan seemed a lot mellower. I couldn’t be certain, but I thought maybe he had a little chemical help with calming down. Whatever the case, after we finished, we packed up the van. Brad said there were sometimes places to get ready at the venues and sometimes not. He said if I planned on wearing something else, I might want to dress before we left, so I did. I figured I could do my makeup on the way. I pulled out of my bag what I thought would be the perfect outfit for my first night on stage…tight faux leather pants (something I already owned) and a fitted red super-short sleeved t-shirt. I’d seen a woman in a band wearing one that she’d cut horizontally across the back in about one or two centimeter strips, and I think it was to show off all the tattoos on her back. I just thought it was a cool grungy look. So I had done something similar, only I ripped it and made some holes in it, but mostly on the back. I put a few smaller holes around the tummy area in front. Yeah, I had no tats, but I hoped it looked cool. I left my hair down. I’d also put on a pair of big black Dr. Martens boots I’d had for a few years. They were perfect, and I’d worn them to many a metal concert, so why not onstage too?

The guys liked my look. I knew I’d match them, having seen them onstage before. But I wasn’t ready for their reactions. “Val, you look great.” That was Nick’s response. His was more subdued than the rest.

Zane: “God, you look hot.”

Brad: “Nice…I like the skin.” Yeah…he’d already seen most of that.

Ethan: “We gonna have to beat the guys off with a stick?” And he didn’t seem like he was joking about that or happy either. Like I cared.

Ethan planned to ride shotgun to Denver, but Brad told him quite emphatically that I was to ride next to him. “That seat belongs to our muse.” I’d heard them call me that before, but I couldn’t remember when. And Ethan was fuming about my sitting up front again. Still, though, I could tell he was low key, and I was convinced he’d had a little pharmaceutical help with that. I planned to ask one of the guys later—maybe even the next day—if they knew what was going on with him.

On the trip there, we tried to laugh and joke, but I was nervous. Brad turned up the music off and on, I think to try to get my mind off it. But it didn’t help. It was even worse feeling like our rehearsals had stunk.

Brad stopped in Colorado Springs at Burger King and urged us to get something to eat. I told him I was too nervous.

“Val…if you don’t eat, you’re not gonna have the energy you need. Eat something.” So I got one of their chicken sandwiches and fries and managed to eat half before I decided I was done.

And the closer we got to Denver, the more nervous I got. I can barely remember unpacking the van and setting up. We were slated as the first act of the evening, and I don’t know if that helped or not. Knowing I could get it over with sooner was good, but I don’t know that I’d ever been that nervous about anything in my entire life. Various limbs on my body were either numb or tingly due to an overdose of adrenaline.

Once we were set up, all the guys were checking their instruments. I stood off stage, not ready to put myself out there. We still had fifteen minutes before show time, and the place was filling up. It made the big bar in Winchester look like a bathroom.

I tried pacing but didn’t know that it helped either, so I just stood with my back against the wall near the stairs. Ethan started walking my way, still wearing his guitar strapped over his body. He stopped in front of me. Before he said anything, I examined his eyes. I thought maybe now he was sober, but I couldn’t be sure. He seemed lucid. “Are you gonna be okay?”

“Yeah…” Really, though, I wasn’t too sure.

With one smooth motion, he pushed his guitar so that the strap carried it around to hang on his back, and then he put his hands around my waist. “You’ll do fine, Val.” And then he kissed me. At first, I was taken aback and unsure, but then I gave in. In the short time we’d dated—and even more recently—Ethan had never kissed me like this. His kisses, while thrilling, had never been full of unbridled passion and promise. But this one was. This kiss was deep and hard, and he held nothing back, and it completely took me out of the moment. One second I was freaking out about the upcoming performance and the next I was transported. So when he stopped, it took me a moment to open my eyes and let myself come back to the present.

But he wasn’t done. I don’t know if it was because of the look in my eyes or the expression on my entire face, the one of having had my breath taken away, but he kissed me again then and nearly knocked me down. I might have been in shock the first time and frozen, but the second time I was thawed and moving. I wound my fingers into the hair at his temples and let him have me. For the first time since he’d walked away from me, I felt myself at his mercy again. And just like that, he was completely forgiven and back in my good graces. I shouldn’t have made it that easy, but he just so happened to give me what I needed in that vulnerable moment, and I responded.