Bullet(43)

If I’d known the answer to that question, I likely could have solved a good many mysteries of the ages.

* * *

It wasn’t until Brad and I were heading back to the hotel that I found a way to ask him about Ethan’s drug usage. I might have been inexperienced, but I was pretty sure Ethan was using something. I hoped Brad would know.

We were halfway back, so I knew I didn’t have much time to broach the subject. “So what’s Ethan taking, Brad? Do you know?”

“Hmm…what?” Either he hadn’t been paying attention, or he was pretending he didn’t catch my question. I repeated it.

“Come on, Brad. I’m not stupid. What’s Ethan been on lately?”

He shook his head. “You really don’t wanna know.”

“Yeah, actually, I really do.”

He sighed, pulling into the motel parking lot. He didn’t say anything, instead pulling the van back into the space where he’d parked before. After he shut off the engine, he looked at me. “I’m not positive, but I’m pretty sure he’s taking Vike.”

“Vike?”

“Vicodin.”

“How do you know?”

He looked over at me, stopping himself from rolling his eyes. “I don’t, Val. But I have my reasons for why I think that.”

He started to get out of the van, but I grabbed his arm. “Wait. Just tell me. Why?”

He took a deep breath, just looking out the window. But then he looked over at me. “A couple years ago, his mom had some in the medicine cabinet…leftovers from something, and she never used the rest of ‘em. So we both took one before going to a party. Well…we wound up not going to the party. We were wasted. It was…hard to describe. Pretty peaceful feeling. I didn’t want to do anything, just lay there, vegging, watching whatever stupid movie we were watching on TV. And then I just wanted to sleep. But Ethan…over the next year, he’d take one now and then until the whole goddamn bottle was gone.”

“So if it’s gone now, how’s he getting more?”

The look on Brad’s face told me how pathetic he thought I was. “How does anyone get illegal drugs? You think it’s that hard? All you need is the right amount of cash and a connection.”

“So…what should we do about it?”

Brad let out a puff of air, almost like a laugh, but it didn’t come off that way. “What do you think we can do about it, Val?” I just looked at him, desperate for an answer, now that Ethan’s drug use was confirmed. “We can’t do shit. He has to decide he wants to stop. You try to make him stop, he’ll just do it more. You stand back. That’s what you do. You…” He squinted his eyes and let out another breath, but he kept talking, his voice low. “You go on loving him and be there when you need to.” He pulled his keys out of the ignition and opened the car door. “Just like I always have.”

* * *

So I felt no better actually knowing the truth, and Brad had probably known that would happen. Maybe he’d tried to shield me from it. It didn’t matter, though. I needed and wanted to know, and maybe his advice was right. Maybe all I could do would be to be there to help Ethan when he was ready.

During the next week alone, I did a lot of thinking. I decided that maybe I needed to be more forward with Ethan. More than that, though, I also thought maybe I needed to take control of my future. I knew I wasn’t going to be a virgin forever, and now that something inside me was awakening, I needed to be safe. I knew, deep down, that if Nick and the girl he’d been with hadn’t interrupted Brad and me that night in the van, we probably would have wound up having sex. And that would have been stupid on my part. No protection meant, first of all, possible pregnancy. Nothing would happen with my life if I wound up being a young mother, no matter who the dad was. I knew STDs were a concern too, but that didn’t scare me as much as having an unwanted baby. So I made an appointment with the family planning agency in town and took the first step. The nurse gave me a three-month prescription of the pill and several condoms, and even though I couldn’t start the pill right away, I felt some relief at knowing I was being smart.

We had shows every weekend, and by the end of June, I felt comfortable on stage. I was enjoying being the center of attention, stirring the crowd into a frenzy. I felt like I’d started to master some screaming in addition to singing clean, and I knew the songs well. We’d started doing a little writing again too, but a lot of it was done through email, simply because it was hard for us to get together much being in different locations. We saw each other for shows, and when the guys didn’t party too much, we could get a little work done, but partying was their priority. I guessed I could understand it, but we hadn’t made it big enough to justify blowing all our money on party favors.

Ethan didn’t warm up again like he had my first night on stage. We were on speaking terms again, but our relationship—as boyfriend and girlfriend or even as just friends—hadn’t returned to normal. We’d talk now and again, but it was often strained. I was beginning to think it would never work between us and, no, I didn’t immediately go running back to Brad. He and I both knew I was “hung up” on Ethan, even if nothing was happening. Until that boy was out of my system for good, Brad was off limits. It was a now-unspoken agreement between the two of us.

By the time we got to the Thursday show in Denver, the guys weren’t willing to do a show without me. I’d suggested a couple of weeks earlier that Brad and Ethan could, for one night, resume their previous roles, but they wouldn’t hear of it. Instead, they picked me up right after work, and we sped to Denver. After the show, they drove back to Winchester, dropped me off at home so I could get a little sleep before work on Friday, and then found a motel.

What surprised me was how that summer I’d fallen into the routine so easily, and I loved every moment I was onstage. It was magical. There was an energy that came from the audience that fueled every performance. It drove me and excited me like nothing else I’d ever done in my life. And I tried to ignore the voice in the back of my mind, the one telling me not to get used to it. I wanted to just enjoy the feeling, live in that moment.

One show near the beginning of August, we were playing in a small rural sleepy eastern Colorado town. Knowing what little I’d known about this town which shall remain nameless, I hadn’t expected anything great. But they turned out to be one of our best audiences. They loved us and the other two bands we were playing with, and I was bummed we wouldn’t be coming back.

We were staying in another rundown cheap-ass motel, just like all the other ones we’d been staying in, places with worn yellow carpeting, faded beige drapes, and plumbing that had seen better days. The guys were drinking again, and they had girls in tow. But I’d been sitting at the round brown table in the corner, and I saw Ethan put what looked like a pill in his mouth before knocking it back with a beer. That was my opportunity. I didn’t have to guess anymore. So I walked up to Ethan and asked him if we could talk outside.

He agreed, and we stepped just outside the door on the sidewalk that served as a buffer between the parking lot dirt and the rooms themselves. He seemed guarded. Maybe he already knew what I wanted to talk to him about. “What’s up?”

I took a deep breath and forced myself to look in his eyes. “What are you doing, Ethan?”

“What do you mean?”

“I know you’re taking something.”

His eyes grew dark then, and I could see him shutting himself off. He narrowed his eyelids and got his face closer to mine. “And this is your business how?”

I hadn’t known what reaction to expect from him, but it certainly hadn’t been that. He was cold and closed in, already unwilling to talk. But I couldn’t just give up, not yet. “You’re my friend, Ethan, and you’re also kinda like my coworker now. What you do affects me, affects the other guys. I’m afraid of what you’re doing to yourself.”

“It’s no worse than drinking.”

“You don’t see me drinking.”

He raised his eyebrows. “I don’t see you lecturing the other guys either.”

Well, he had a point there. I wasn’t ready to give up yet, though. I grabbed his hand. “I’m not saying I approve, but you’ve seemed to function just fine with drinking. This…stuff, though. It’s like you’re numb, Ethan. It’s like you’re not here with us. It’s like you’re far away somewhere else.”

His eyes hardened. “You ever stop to think maybe that’s the only way I can do this?”

I was at a loss. No words wanted to form on my tongue, and I heard the door open behind me. But I ignored it and decided to try a tough love approach. “That’s bullshit, Ethan. I thought you loved this…and if you’re not giving it your all, if you’re not fully here, then you’ll never reach your full potential. You’re not just letting yourself down. You’re letting us all down.”