Bullet(44)

He grabbed my arm just above my elbow. His voice was low, almost like a growl. “Listen, Val, I know you think you know me, but you don’t. I do this shit to survive, and I’m here, all right? The day I don’t perform, the day I don’t show, that’s the f*cking day you can tell me I’ve let you down. Till then…”—he let go of my arm then and started backing away—“not another goddamned word about it.”

That’s when I noticed Brad behind him. Brad wasn’t much taller than Ethan, but it was enough that I could clearly tell that was who it was. He put a hand on Ethan’s shoulder and said, “Everything okay here?”

Ethan gave him a dirty look. “Yeah. I was just leaving.”

I raised my eyebrows and nodded my head. I was pissed. “Yeah. So was I.” Apparently, Ethan wanted to self-destruct, and the rest of us be damned. I might have been naïve, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew about rock stars who’d killed themselves with drugs. And long before the point of death, they’d done stupid shit to damage their careers. How many concerts had The Doors’s Jim Morrison been late for? He’d been the first of a long line of rock artists known for letting drugs wreck their lives before they killed them, and I didn’t want Ethan to become just another rock star cliché.

For now, though, I had to let it go, so I just walked over to my room, leaving Brad standing alone. I didn’t slam my door, but I couldn’t sit down right away. I was angry at Ethan for just giving up, and I think I might have been even angrier that his friends seemed to be just letting him flush his life down the toilet while they watched.

So when I heard the knock on my door, I was really not in the mood. It was Brad, carrying two bottles of beer. I didn’t even know what to say, but I know the look on my face was not one of amusement or happiness. “What?”

He didn’t seem too amused or happy either. “Can I come in?” I didn’t say anything, just stepped back, pulling the door open further, letting him walk in. He sat at the chair up against the desk, so I sat on the edge of the bed. I still didn’t say a word. “Want a beer?” He handed the bottle to me, the neck tilted toward my hands. I shook my head. He placed the bottle on the desk and then twisted off the cap of the other bottle in his hand. “I know you want to help Ethan, Val, but what you’re doing now…he’ll just blow you off completely. He needs to realize on his own what he’s doing.” I rolled my eyes. “I mean it, Val. Don’t push him. Trust me. Doing that is a bad idea.” I sucked in a breath of air, considering arguing with him. “I don’t think he’ll overdose on it. I’ve never seen him go overboard.”

“But can he become addicted?”

His eyes looked sad then. “He probably already is.”

“And you just let him?”

“What the f*ck is that supposed to mean? I let him? Like I’m his mom, or I have any control over what he does?” I just kept staring at him. “I have my own shit to deal with, Val. I’m not the f*cking cops. That would be like me asking you why you just let him.”

At first, I wanted to tell him I’d only known Ethan for less than a year, that Brad and the other guys had known him for much longer. But then I realized Brad was right. Ethan was the only person responsible for Ethan. No one else here could control his life. Even I, with my good intentions, could only hope to reason with him. I shrugged my shoulders and made myself look at him. Then I nodded. “Fair enough.” I sighed. “But what can we do, Brad? We can’t just let him keep doing this.”

“What the hell are we supposed to do?”

Well, he had me there. Ethan wasn’t far enough gone to stage an intervention, and Brad was right. Until he admitted he had a problem, there wasn’t much we could do. “I guess there’s nothing. I just feel so helpless…and lame not doing anything.”

“How do you think I feel? I’m his best friend, and you were right about one thing. I used to encourage a lot of that shit. Hell, we used to do a lot of shit together. First time I tried meth and coke were with Ethan.”

I couldn’t help that my eyes grew wide. “You’ve tried meth?”

He shrugged. “Yeah.”

“Are you crazy?”

“Probably. Yeah…we did stupid shit, Val. Just…I knew when to stop. And…apparently Ethan doesn’t. And…at least he’s not hooked on something like meth.” He took a long draw off his beer. “So, we gotta be here for him. We need to catch him when he falls, because he will. He’ll fall. And that’s when he’ll decide he needs to do something different.”

I felt my expression soften. “So what’s the difference between you and him? Why could you stop and he can’t?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he has a more addictive personality than I do. Hell, I don’t know. Seriously, Val. The man’s been through hell. You have no idea. And this is one of the things he does to cope.”

So Ethan hadn’t been exaggerating when he’d said he did the drugs to survive. I’d never forget that, but I wasn’t sure how I could help him…or even if I could help him. And I wanted to know what Brad knew, but I also knew Brad wouldn’t tell. He’d tell me I needed to ask Ethan, and I also knew Ethan would only tell me when he was damn good and ready and not a moment before…if ever. I nodded, letting Brad’s words sink in, that we had to just be there for Ethan. I knew he was right, and I hoped I could be strong for him.

“Offer on the beer still stand?”

Brad raised his eyebrows. “You serious?”

“I know…stupid.”

He laughed. “Nah. If you’re gonna drink, this is better than a lot of other things.” He twisted off the cap and handed it to me.

I took a sip. Yuck. I’d had beer before, and I’d never been a big fan. Just not a flavor that made me want to drink more. But I’d asked for it. Brad smiled at me. He knew, just like he knew way too many of my thoughts. I didn’t know that my expression had given it away, but he knew just the same. He said, “There’s something else we should probably talk about.”

I squinted my eyes. What now? Hadn’t we covered enough tonight?

“You and me. I want you to know I respect the hell out of you, Val. Now that you’re in the band, it’s hands off. I don’t want to lose you for Fully Automatic. You’re exactly what we needed. No way am I gonna f*ck that up. So…I just wanted to assure you, in case you had any worries, that I’ll keep my hands to myself.”

Part of me was crushed. I’ll admit it. Brad and I had something between us, something I couldn’t name, but it was even stronger than what I felt for Ethan, and I don’t think Ethan knew that. But he was right. We needed to maintain a professional relationship, and even at that young age, I saw the wisdom in that decision. Brad was driven, determined to see his band go as far as it possibly could, and a fling…well, that could make a mess. I knew emotions could muddy the waters, and I respected his call. I held out my hand to shake his, and the warmth and electricity in his hand reminded me those feelings were still under the surface, but I’d have to ignore them now. “I respect you too, Brad, and I trust your decisions for the direction of the band.” I didn’t even think ahead to the fact that I’d be out of the band once school started up again. I was just living in the moment, enjoying it.

But we shook on that agreement that night, based on the hope that the band could get far. And I awoke the next morning, refusing to acknowledge the dream I’d had about him. If Brad was to keep his hands to himself, I had to keep my thoughts from myself…anyway I could.





Chapter Nineteen

Present



I’D HAD NO idea what becoming a mother would mean. Even with all the reading I’d done, the connecting with groups, and attending classes, I’d had no clue what I would be facing. It didn’t help that little Christopher had jaundice, so we had to take him in to the doctor frequently until it cleared up. But that first month was insane, and all I’d really wanted to do was to get to know my baby and figure out how to be the best mom I could. I’d decided to breastfeed, so I had to figure out how to do that in addition to all the other things Ethan and I were so new at and clueless about.

But by the second month, I was starting to believe Ethan, that he was leaving his old self behind. He wanted to be a loving father and husband.

The first time Christopher laughed, it was as though the world had stopped. Ethan had placed him on the floor on a blanket to change his diaper, and he was kissing the baby’s belly, rubbing his beard on him, just enjoying the feel of our child. Chris laughed. I got down on the floor too. My baby laughed! “Do that again,” I said to Ethan, and Ethan tickled Chris’s tummy with his beard again, and the baby laughed again. We spent a long time there, with Ethan tickling the baby’s tummy over and over again. Then Chris would laugh, and we would laugh at his cute little giggle.