Before I Saw You(20)

She’d barely closed her eyes before his dreaming woke her again that night. Alice hadn’t got used to the nightmares and it was always a chilling moment to hear a grown man moaning, even if it was in his sleep.

‘Ross, I need you to wake up. Please.’

Alice was so tempted to try and wake him. Surely it would be better to stop the pain? Plus, she wasn’t quite sure how long she could stand listening to it. On the other hand, she worried waking someone in the midst of a flashback like that could turn out to have significant consequences. So she lay there and waited.

‘Someone help me. God help me.’

Please wake up, she begged. He was thrashing around so violently Alice wondered if he was at risk of throwing himself out of bed. She hoped not, because there was no way in hell she’d be helping him up.

‘HELP ME, GODDAMMIT. PLEASE!’

She couldn’t bear it any longer. The last cry was so loud Alice reached for her pillow to cover her ears. Luckily it was also the scream that woke him up. She could hear the subtle change between dream state and reality in his voice.

‘Goddammit, Alfie. Get a grip.’

His heavy breathing was punctuated by small groans.

Then came a quiet shuffling of footsteps and whispers.

‘It’s all right, nurse, I’ll go.’

Soon the outline of the old man across the way came into view.

‘Alfie, son.’ The gentle voice of Mr Peterson cut through the silence.

‘Sorry. I didn’t mean to wake you.’

‘Don’t be an idiot. You think I can sleep with Sharon snoring next to me? I just came over to see if you wanted anything – I’m going to get one of those piss-poor cups of tea from the machine.’

‘No, I’m all right, thanks. I’m just going to try and get my head down again.’

‘Right you are. Goodnight, son.’

As the footsteps of Mr Peterson slowly faded, Alice was struck with a memory of Arnold; another old soul whose stiff upper lip couldn’t keep his kindness away. A pang of longing hit her; Arnold had saved her life and she hadn’t even thanked him. Maybe she could call him on reception one day and check in to see how he was?

No, she told herself, she’d been fine on her own this long and she would be fine on her own now; not even a life-changing near-death experience was going to alter that.

*

Alice could barely open her eyes when Nurse Angles came the next morning. Her sleepless night had really taken its toll. Thankfully none of the nurses were expecting any conversation from her anyway, so she simply rolled over and tried to fall back asleep.

‘Morning, neighbour. How are we today?’

How on earth could someone in so much pain be so upbeat and happy every day? Alice found it tiring even to smile when she didn’t want to, let alone be the life and soul of the party.

‘It feels wrong calling you “neighbour” all the time. It’s Alice, isn’t it?’

She sighed, loudly enough for him to hear, and then shifted on to her side away from him.

‘I’ll take silence as a yes, then …’ He barely even paused for breath. ‘So the thing is, I know you think you managed to escape my mum the other day, but I feel it’s my duty as her son to warn you that the battle is far from over. Determined doesn’t even scratch the surface with her. Just a heads-up, she’ll be back with more roast chicken and ploys to feed you next time.’

The thought of his mother forcing piles of food through her curtains made her laugh and panic all at once.

‘Anyway, I thought I’d let you know. It’s better to be prepared when facing these things, isn’t it …’

‘God, do you ever stop talking?’ the disgruntled voice of Mr Peterson snapped from somewhere across the ward.

Alice smirked. She did have to admit she enjoyed hearing their little back and forth every day. Maybe she just liked hearing someone put this Alfie character in his place.

‘I’m trying to do my duty as a patient of this ward, and let our friend Alice here know what she’s let herself in for by rejecting my mum’s roast dinner.’

‘It meant more food for me in the end, so I’m not complaining.’

‘As long as you’re OK, Mr P, that’s all that matters, isn’t it?’

‘Too damn right.’ The old man chuckled.

‘Anyway, I’ll leave you all alone now and get on with this puzzle book.’

Alice turned on to her back. It seemed the only time he really was quiet was when he was distracted by food or puzzles. Perhaps she could do an anonymous order of the world’s hardest puzzle books and get them delivered directly to him? Do Amazon deliver to hospital beds?

‘Oh, for God’s sake, why don’t they make these things easy?’ A sigh followed by a frustrated groan. ‘Don’t suppose you’re any good at puzzles, are you?’

Really? It had literally been five minutes.

‘I mean, COME ON, who in their right mind is meant to solve these things!’

His words hung in the air, knocking louder and louder at the barrier between them.

Maybe if you answer him he’ll shut up for a bit?

Don’t you dare …

‘I think I’m too close to it – if only there was someone who could help me …’

It’s the morphine and the boredom, Alice.