Before I Saw You(18)
Somewhere, deep in the recesses of her mind, there was a memory of what family was. It was faded and worn out from being neglected for so long that sometimes Alice forgot it even existed, but in that moment it sprang back to life in full colour. She remembered how it felt to be part of something. A protected tribe. Then she remembered the woman who had stood before her only hours earlier, and she was reminded why she hid the memory in the back of the cupboard. Out of sight and out of mind.
After it happened she couldn’t help resenting those who still had a ‘stable’, ‘normal’ family. When she would leave school and see the children running into their parents’ arms, she couldn’t keep the acidic envy from bubbling up inside her stomach. They looked picture perfect. Puzzle pieces fitting together so seamlessly that she wanted to rip them apart and break them, so they didn’t go together any longer. She wanted to take one for herself and never give it back. Where did she fit in now? All the pieces had been lost or destroyed or forgotten.
As she grew up, the anger subsided. It took too much energy to hold on to it and so slowly but surely, she let it go. As long as she didn’t have to be involved with her own family, other people’s no longer bothered her. In fact, they intrigued her. It was like a riddle she needed to analyse and solve. She’d firmly convinced herself that she didn’t need a family to be happy. Why did she need family when she had Sarah?
The image of her best and only friend flashed up in her mind.
Alice knew it was stupid not to give the hospital Sarah’s mobile number, but the thought of facing Sarah looking like this, with her life in pieces and her independence gone, was too painful. Alice had planned to have absolutely no visitors during her time at St Francis’s; in her mind it would be far easier to deal with this alone. She’d been forced to give a next of kin, but had conveniently only provided an old landline for Sarah, who was living halfway around the world in Australia with her husband Raph.
Every morning the nurses would ask her if there was anyone else they could call. They would enquire about other family members, even work colleagues. Alice refused. No need to bother anyone else. Although as the days passed, she did wonder if Sarah was getting concerned. They’d usually text back and forth every few days, her friend often sending through pictures of implausibly beautiful beaches to make Alice jealous. Where was her phone anyway? Before the accident she’d never been without it; in fact, Sarah used to joke that Alice’s iPhone was the only real relationship she’d had in her adult life.
She racked her brain, trying to remember if any of the doctors or fire officers had mentioned its whereabouts. Suddenly she felt lost without it – what if someone had been trying to get hold of her?
Don’t be silly, Alice. They don’t tend to make severely burnt employees work while in hospital.
Without the focus of a project or two hundred emails to sift through, her rest was quickly becoming restlessness.
Then it struck her cold in the chest. Would she ever be able to go back to work?
Right now she could barely get herself up and out of bed without the help of other people. Would she ever get the full movement back in her left side? What if she couldn’t use her hands properly again? Her fingers twitched, longing to feel the keys of her computer keyboard moving furiously underneath their tips. Would she be able to muster the confidence needed to walk into a boardroom of thirty disinterested men and grab their attention in less than a minute? God, how good it felt to be totally in control and in command. She dared to look down at her broken body, raising her hand in front of her face, wiggling her fingers in the hope that the skin wouldn’t twinge in agony. But it did. It always did.
16
Alfie
What a turn of events! In the last twenty-four hours Alfie had got more insight into his silent neighbour than he could have ever hoped for. Sure, the meeting with her mother wasn’t a pleasant experience to witness, but she’d spoken! She’d actually spoken to him. Well, technically to his mum, but still it was progress. Alfie knew he had to seize the opportunity and strike while the iron was hot. This was a tricky situation to navigate, but if anyone could do it, Alfie was confident it would be him.
The next morning, as soon as he clocked Nurse Angles with her short dark curls and unapologetically large frame enter the ward, he was up on his crutches and hobbling towards her. He’d been awake before the crack of dawn after another night of particularly vivid flashbacks had left him unable to settle.
‘Alfie, honey, what the hell are you doing up? It’s not even 6 a.m.’
‘I know. Bad dreams again, I couldn’t sleep.’
She gave him a knowing look he wanted to avoid.
‘Are you speaking to the doctors about these properly, Alfie?’
There was no point getting into it right now. The dreams would come again, meaning there would be plenty of time to discuss them in the future.
‘Yes, of course I am. Anyway, listen, you’ll never guess who spoke to us yesterday?’ He didn’t even give her the chance to think. ‘Alice! The lady in bed thirteen!’
‘Really?’
She couldn’t keep the surprise from her face.
‘Really really.’ Alfie was so proud of himself his chest felt fit to burst.
‘Well, that is good news.’ Her voice was measured, almost flat.