Before I Saw You(13)
‘You did great today, Alice. The first one is always going to be the hardest, but give it time. It will get easier, I promise,’ Nurse Angles cooed as she tucked her back into bed.
Alice closed her eyes and let the weight of her head hit the pillow.
‘If you need anything, you know where I am. Just buzz me, OK?’
The only thing Alice needed was to be alone. To try and erase that shameful hour of her life from her mind and pretend nothing had ever happened. If she’d thought the journey to physio was mortifying, then the actual act of doing it was on a whole other level. Trying to stand unassisted was impossible. Moving further than three inches was a no go. How had she regressed to this? Any ounce of ego she may have had left had been officially squashed. Any self-respect or dignity she’d clung on to had been firmly ripped out of her grasp. She’d become so weak, so fragile. All that remained of her was an empty shell, ready to be blown over by the lightest breeze. Every time she moved, the entire left side of her body would protest. The skin would pull at the seams, and at any moment Alice was certain she’d tear apart. It was as though someone was rubbing her down with razor blades, peeling away layers of her until she was reduced to nothing.
Luckily the rest of the day passed like clockwork. It turned out that this ward followed a very similar routine to the one she’d come from. In fact, practically everything about the place was the same. As she was being wheeled across to physio, she’d been able to take her first proper look at the space in daylight. There were the same beige walls, the same plastic furniture, the same harsh strip lighting. There were the same eight beds, four on either side of the room, each separated by the same blue cloth curtains that offered as much privacy as a piece of paper. Every room was a near perfect replica of the one next to it, all designed with the sole intention of being sterile and inoffensive. Unfortunately there was nothing inoffensive about the smell that lingered. It was a heady mix of human effluence and bleach, as though someone was desperately trying to clean away the sweat, blood and tears that exuded from the inhabitants. It turned out grief, fear and death weren’t easy to remove. Thankfully sleep came quickly that night, gathering her up in its arms and taking her away from the reality of her day. In her dreams she could slot easily back into her old life, with her functioning limbs and smooth unblemished skin. For those few hours Alice could be free at last.
*
‘Cornflakes for breakfast again this morning. The most boring cereal on the planet.’
Alice stirred, roused by a voice coming from the bed next to her. It was soft and almost gentle, just loud enough for her to hear. There was lightness to its tone, a boyish mischief that sang of careless days and freedom. Maybe she was still dreaming – surely no one could feel anything but despair in a place like this.
‘Who on this entire earth actually enjoys eating cornflakes? I get that they are a classic staple of the cereal population, but I’d like to meet one person who would actually choose them for breakfast.’
Alice, fully awake now, shifted in bed. Surely he wasn’t talking to her?
‘Out of all the sugar-coated carbohydrates you could select for breakfast, why would you pick cornflakes? I just don’t get it. Do you know what I mean, neighbour?’
Oh God, he’s talking to me …
‘Maybe we’ll be lucky and they’ll surprise us with Coco Pops tomorrow. God, I used to love those. The kids at school go wild for them. Actually, they go wild for anything smothered in chocolate.’
Please stop. For both our sakes, stop talking.
‘Look at me, talking at you without even introducing myself. I’m Alfie.’
Hi Alfie, guess what? I don’t care.
‘On behalf of everyone here, I’d just like to say welcome to the Moira Gladstone ward! We do hope you have a pleasant stay here. Just some admin before you settle in: to your right are the female washrooms and to your left are the male. Please don’t get them confused, otherwise you’ll probably experience a whole new level of trauma. Entertainment will vary throughout your stay, but you’ll see that as part of your deluxe room you have your very own television set. Unfortunately Sky isn’t included, but I find Channel 5 has a surprisingly good selection of documentaries in the afternoons.’
He just about paused for breath.
‘In all seriousness, we’re a bit of a mixed bunch here but we’re all just trying to get ourselves back on our feet. Or in my case, foot! I don’t know about you, but I find it so weird how quickly you get used to hospital life. How long have you been here in total now?’
Jesus, man, will you stop?
‘… Anyway, probably long enough to get used to people prodding and poking at your body every day. When I get out of here, I think I might actually miss it! Waking up won’t be the same without Nurse Angles giving me the once over, you know?’
She did not know. In fact, she was actually counting the seconds until no one had to touch her again.
And right now she was counting the seconds until he left her alone.
‘I don’t know how you do it. The not talking thing, I mean. It would drive me crazy.’
The only thing driving me crazy right now is you …
‘Hey, neighbour, do you like puzzles?’
He wasn’t even pretending to wait for her response now. She rolled over and closed her eyes, praying harder than ever for sleep to come and drag her away.