Before I Saw You(11)
‘Alice, dear, I’m coming in if that’s OK?’ Nurse Angles’ face was already poking through the curtain before she’d finished talking. She knew it wasn’t going to be good news by the way the nurse hung tentatively at the foot of her bed, quite the opposite of her normal brash entrance.
‘I know we discussed the importance of physio the other day, and I also know how intimidating being up and about in front of the other patients is for you. So we’ve made a compromise. This is only temporary – just while you build your confidence up – and it’s important you understand that. We can’t do this for ever, OK?’
Alice wasn’t quite sure what she was agreeing to yet, so she didn’t dare make any movement of acknowledgement.
‘When you have your sessions, we’ll ask everyone on the ward to remain in their bays with the curtains closed while we transport you to the female lounge, which we’ve managed to reserve for an hour. It will be just you, the physio and a couple of the nurses, OK?’
Relief and fear swirled in her stomach.
‘We have to get you up and moving, Alice. There’s no room for negotiation about that part.’ Her face was stern. ‘We start now.’
Tears filled her eyes and she shook her head in resignation. Why? Why were they making her do this? Hadn’t she been through enough?
Nurse Angles placed her hand gently on her feet. ‘I know this is hard for you, honey, but I cannot let you rot away in this bed for ever. The sooner we start, the quicker it’s over with.’
Alice didn’t even look up; she could hear the nurses outside the curtain waiting for the green light from Nurse Angles. She was being moved whether she liked it or not.
On any other day, the sight of a wheelchair being presented to her would have caused Alice to revolt. Right now, however, she had much bigger concerns. The dissatisfied moans from her fellow patients barely registered with her. The nurses flocking to her bedside, waiting and watching, did nothing to anger her. All Alice could think about was Nurse Angles’ hand on the curtain, ready to pull it back.
‘Everyone’s in bed and all curtains are closed,’ the young nurse reported dutifully. If this weren’t happening to Alice right now, she would probably enjoy the absurdity of the situation. A military operation just for her. Because she was too bloody stubborn and too goddam scared of her own face to get out of bed.
‘Right, Alice, can you swing your legs over the edge of the bed and we can help lower you into the chair?’
What if she said no? If she refused to move, what was the worst that could happen? Were they really going to force her out of bed? Judging by the look on Nurse Angles’ face, she knew she didn’t want the answer to that question.
Alice shifted ever so slightly to sit up taller. Slowly she began to slide her right leg across the bed and down. She didn’t know what all the fuss was about; sure, it felt a bit stiff, but she was fine. Then came the left leg. The first attempt at movement set her nerves alight. The wound coverings shifted across her skin, sending shivers down her spine. How had she become so weak?
‘Try to use your arms, honey.’ Nurse Angles was watching her with such intensity it hurt to look.
Alice planted her hands down either side of her hips. Her face had tightened in concentration and she could feel the frown lines digging deep into her forehead.
Come on, just lift yourself up.
Alice pushed down as hard as she could but immediately felt her arms give way.
She sensed the room hold its breath.
‘Do you mind if I help you?’ Nurse Angles stepped forward cautiously. What else could she do? Hang off the side of the bed until she practically fell on to the floor? The humiliation of it burnt a hole inside her chest. What had she become? This accident had taken more than just her looks; it had sucked every last drop of pride and strength she had left. The shame of it was too much to bear. Reluctantly Alice nodded her head.
‘OK, sweetie. I’m going to really gently move this leg, OK? Just squeeze my arm if I’m hurting you.’
Slowly and ever so gently, Nurse Angles lifted her left leg up and round. It felt so foreign to be held like this. Sadness and repulsion collided, making her head swim with nausea.
Let it be over, please God, let it be over.
‘Wonderful, you’re doing amazingly. Now, I’m going to ask you to shift your weight on to me and I’m going to lower you into the chair, OK?’
It was like being a child again. Helpless, useless, and entirely dependent on someone else. The ordeal made Alice want to rip herself apart and scream until the entire hospital felt her pain, but instead she surrendered, falling limply into Nurse Angles’ arms and allowing herself to be carried into the chair.
‘Perfect. Now, let’s wheel you out quickly and get you to Darren.’ Her calm controlled voice was the only anchor keeping Alice from losing it. ‘Sally, open the curtains, please.’
And just like that, she was rolled out into the big wide world of the ward.
10
Alfie
Alfie had tried not to listen to the sounds of the scene next door, but it was impossible not to. He winced listening to the encouragement of Nurse Angles, remembering all too well how it felt to struggle to hold yourself upright. The unbelievable amount of strength it took to move even an inch. How demoralizing it was to be carried like a defenceless infant. Alfie knew how any scrap of pride or ego could be shattered overnight, as in the blink of an eye your survival was placed in the hands of a team of strangers.