Before I Saw You(15)
At first he thought something specific might be triggering the flashbacks: a smell, a word, a time of day. He drove himself mad trying to pinpoint the exact things that dragged him back, kicking and screaming, to that night. No matter how hard he tried, Alfie soon had to accept that no amount of analysis would give him an answer. His brain had decided to throw rhyme and reason straight out of the window, and it was simply hijacking him as and when it felt like it.
The worst part always seemed to be the morning after. His entire body would hurt and the sleepless night would leave him drained of all energy. But he knew that, no matter how exhausted he felt, he had to find a way to drag his positivity out of the closet and put the mask back on.
‘Fake it till you make it, honey,’ his mum had always told him. ‘Trust me, during the dark days it was the only thing that got me through. I’d put a smile on my face and force a couple of laughs and then one day, I didn’t have to pretend any more. If you believe in something enough, if you tell it to yourself every moment of every day, then soon enough it will come to be.’
He knew if anyone had the means to survive the curveballs that life threw at you, it was his mum. And so he faked it. He faked it every single day until it started to become normality. Some days were harder than others, of course, but no matter how he was feeling on the inside, he made sure to wear a smile on the outside. Today was no different.
‘Morning, Mother A!’ he called, forcing his voice to be bright and breezy.
‘Hi Alfie.’ She looked distracted and almost concerned. Who was that with her? Alfie watched as the two women made their way past his bed to hover just outside the closed curtains of bed thirteen.
‘Alice, guess what … you have a visitor today!’
Alfie’s eyes widened. Oh God, it was really happening! Someone had come for her.
‘Alice, sweetheart, did you hear me? Your mum has arrived!’
13
Alice
Alice didn’t even acknowledge what the nurse had said at first, because there was absolutely no way on this earth she could be talking to her. Her best friend Sarah was still safely in Australia and she’d given no one else as an emergency contact.
‘Alice, sweetheart, did you hear me? Your mum has arrived!’
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
Was she dreaming? She’d barely got any sleep last night. Maybe she was hallucinating?
‘Alice, can we come in?’
No way. There was no way in hell her mother was standing outside her curtain right now. The only people in the world who could possibly know where she was were work and Sarah. Alice knew that if Sarah had miraculously found out about the accident, she wouldn’t dare betray her in such a way. But why the hell would her mum contact her work? She wasn’t even sure her mum knew where she worked. Too many questions were firing through her brain, but there was no time to seek the answers.
‘Now remember, Mrs Gunnersley, Alice has been through a lot but it’s still your little girl in there. Don’t forget that.’
That was probably the bit her mother would hate the most; that underneath all the scarring it was still the same old Alice. The same little girl she hadn’t seen in fifteen years. The same daughter she resented for being alive, ever since the day they lost him.
Unfortunately for Alice, it was also the same mother she’d left behind. When the curtain was drawn back, Alice found herself looking into the same soulless eyes she’d done as a young girl. Nothing. No reaction whatsoever. As much as she despised the flinching and wincing when people saw her for the first time, she was surprised that the blank stare hurt more. Her mother didn’t even care enough to react.
‘Right …’ Even Nurse Angles was reeling from the distinct lack of emotion. ‘I’ll leave you both to it. Alice, honey, you know how to reach me if you need anything.’
Nurse Angles took Alice’s hand and gave it a slight squeeze. She fixed her gaze on Alice and whispered quietly enough for her alone to hear, ‘I’m right outside if you need me, OK?’
Alice managed a weak smile, appreciating the understanding that passed between her and Nurse Angles. If she needed her mother gone, all she had to do was buzz. She could be saved if she needed to be.
As Nurse Angles turned to go, Alice sneaked a quick look at her mother, who was clearly unsure whether she would be staying long enough to warrant sitting down, or if she should just keep standing. Standing it was.
‘Well, I can’t say I was surprised that you didn’t tell me. But seeing you like this – good God, Alice, how could you?’
Hold on, how could she what?
Where the hell was her mother going with this one?
‘At least look at me, for Christ’s sake!’
Alice lifted her gaze and stared at her defiantly.
‘How could you nearly die and not tell me? Don’t you think I’ve been through enough? You think it’s OK to let your mother lose another child without telling her? When would I have found out? Would I have even been invited to the funeral? Jesus, Alice. No reply to my texts – what was I meant to do? I had to call your office. How mortifying that a mother doesn’t know where her daughter is. Luckily your boss thought it was appropriate to tell a mother that her child was nearly dead.’
It was quite amazing how much resentment words could carry. Her mother never raised her voice or changed the expression on her face, but it was there, spat out with every single word that came from her mouth.