Before I Saw You(24)

‘She’s sorry?’

‘Yeah, you know, for everything that happened.’

‘Well, me too, mate, me fucking too.’

Alice felt an odd mix of intrigue and guilt. There was such resentment in Alfie’s voice that it made her feel ashamed to be listening, but her curiosity had been piqued and she wanted to know more.

‘Anyway, what’s going on with you, Alex? Bagged yourself any more disastrous dates lately?’ Alfie still sounded wary, but everyone seemed to breathe a sigh of relief at the change in conversation.

‘Tell him about that one the other night, Al. The one where you made a fool of yourself.’ Matty began to laugh.

‘Oh Jesus, please don’t make me relive that …’

Unfortunately, Alice would have to wait for another time to hear more about this Lucy, but for the rest of the day she couldn’t stop thinking about her. She reckoned her boredom must have reached brand-new heights, and it didn’t help that her neighbour had fallen into a deathly silence that even Alice would have been proud of. Something must have happened between this Lucy girl and Alfie. She’d never heard him react like that before. Who was she? Were they together? Did she break his heart? Did he break hers? Stories and scenarios grew in her mind until she was so close to just asking him outright. Thankfully, the familiar voice of reason stopped her. But she was left with an even more disturbing question …

Why do I care?





22


Alfie





At the time, Alfie had told everyone he was fine that his long-term girlfriend had left him. He empathized with the fact that she was ‘having a hard time coming to terms with everything after the accident’. He understood that waking up to a one-legged boyfriend who needed significant care probably wasn’t on the wish list when it came to a life partner, but not once did she ask how he was feeling or what he needed. It was as though she’d totally forgotten that he was the one who’d been in the accident; he was the one who had to endure the hours of physical therapy and rehabilitation exercises, just so he could walk himself to the toilet. Just like that, three years of a relationship were thrown away, and he was the one left grieving more than just the loss of his limb.

He was angry with himself for even asking about the party. Often he was angry that he’d even let Alex set him up with her. Angry that she was friends with his friends and that, at the time, that had seemed such a perfect reason to welcome her into his world and his heart. Angry he’d stepped over barriers to love her. Angry he went and got his leg amputated. Angry he wasn’t the man she wanted him to be. Angry he repulsed her. And more than that, angry he was left to deal with it all on his own.

He knew he couldn’t be mad at Alex for passing on the message. The stupid idiot probably thought he was doing the right thing, that in some way hearing those words would dissolve all the heartache and resentment that had built up after the split. It had obviously taken a few moments for Alex to realize that it didn’t mend anything. Nothing was fixed. In fact, it just brought everything right back to the surface again.

Alfie had found it within himself to bring the conversation back to something a little more light-hearted, but he was too tired to pretend for long. Matty knew him well enough to sense that after a few more embarrassing stories from Alex, it was time to go, and with that, they left Alfie alone to his thoughts.

For the rest of the afternoon all he could do was stare blankly at the TV. He didn’t want to sleep, despite his body begging him to; he knew the dreams would come and he had nothing left to fight them right now. He didn’t want to talk and have to erase the despair from his voice for the sake of others around him. No. Today he would just lie here and be. Everyone on the ward would be able to feel the shift in him. Normally this would bother him and he would find a way to snap himself out of it. But this time he let them stew in it. A part of him almost enjoyed them knowing he wasn’t coming to save them today with jokes. They couldn’t always depend on him for fun. He didn’t want anyone to depend on him ever again. He was in the midst of a black cloud and he wasn’t coming out any time soon.

As the ward around him started to slow down and everyone tucked themselves in for the night, Alfie’s anger began to rage. He’d felt it gradually building in the pit of his stomach all day, growing in intensity, clawing at his insides, desperate for freedom. He’d had to use every ounce of strength to keep it under control but now, as everyone around him slipped peacefully into sleep, it came alive. He could feel it rushing up through his chest and searing his throat. It had to come out. He had to let it free before it ripped him apart.

‘AAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!’ he screamed into his pillow. He buried his head deeper and let the noise scorch the fabric. His fists were balled so tightly he wanted to tear the cushion apart and reduce it to scraps. He wanted something to feel as broken as he did. Riding that wave of destruction, he threw the pillow as hard as he could.

Then the tears came. Hot and thick and furious. He had nothing to muffle the noise, as his only defence lay flat and lifeless on the floor in front of him. Suddenly he started to laugh louder and louder, until it was bursting out of him uncontrollably.

You’ve gone and thrown your toys out of the pram, and you can’t even get them back without help, you one-legged prick.

The irony was too much.

Then he heard something. Something that stopped his hysterical moment in its tracks. Of course he was going to wake someone up with all the noise he was making, but out of everyone on the ward he really, really didn’t want it to be her.