Be a Doll(37)

“How is he?’’

I nibbled on my lower lip, unsure of the extent the Grimes family shared regarding their suffering and their grief. “I don’t know him well enough, Megan. I can’t really tell you how he feels, but Mr. Grimes’ words had an impact on Mathis.’’

She nodded and her eyes fell to her lap as she sighed in such a way I expected to see a big weight had fallen on her thin shoulders.

“Mathis and Dad don’t see eye to eye. They… I don’t know.’’ She shook her head and smiled at me ruefully. Her lips glistened in the morning light, probably from the nude gloss she had applied on them. “I know Mom told you about Max.’’

“I don’t know the details but I know that he’s Mathis’ twin and he passed away surfing,’’ I said delicately, watching her face like a hawk to make sure I wouldn’t trespass any boundaries she had regarding the loss of her brother. But her face remained calm and sad.

“I don’t remember much of that day. I was a small kid, but I remember my mother’s cries, my father’s hoarse voice calling out for Max, but mostly…’’ she cleared her throat and her eyes fell to her lap, efficiently hiding the shine of unshed tears in them. “Mostly I remember Mathis’ screams. He wouldn’t stop.’’ She shook her head and took a deep breath before her eyes locked on mine, chilling me to my bones as I pictured Mathis, younger and in so much pain. It was hard to reconcile that image with the man he had become, but after witnessing his breakdown yesterday I knew it wasn’t so farfetched to imagine him a completely different kid. “God, Lila, Mathis was such a mess. A neighbor had to call 911 to sedate him. He wouldn’t stop screaming and he wanted to go in the ocean to find Max. I remember that part like it happened yesterday.’’

“I’m sorry, Megan. I shouldn’t have prodded for more details,’’ I said and looked away to chance a look at Mrs. McCarthy who was now on her way down the hall and away from us. Looking at my sister in-law, the nightmare of that day was painfully etched on her face making my own heart break for this family. I would have never expected to feel so much for the Grimes family and in a way, I never would have expected to see where my husband was coming from and understanding him a little more.

“No, it’s fine. That day changed all of us and I don’t think that never talking about it is healthy.’’

“But talking is painful. I’m pretty sure revisiting such a day is extremely hard.’’

She nodded her assent and shrugged her delicate shoulders. “In a way it was easier for me. I was very young and I don’t remember Max very well. I remember that I used to be a lot closer to Mathis and he was the one always playing with me. After Max’s death, Mathis stopped playing. Actually, he stopped laughing, smiling and so on. He… changed completely. My father did too.’’ She shook her head and forced a shaky smile. “Anyway, let’s talk about you more. I don’t think commiserating here will change anything.’’

“There’s not much to say about me,’’ I said with a frozen smile as I realized that she was about to turn the tables. After sharing with me such a hard memory I couldn’t possibly deny her some answers to her questions. After all, it was only natural if she wanted to know a little more about the woman who married her big brother.

“I know nothing about you other than the fact that you’ve spent four years at Carter Manor. Actually, before Mathis told us he was engaged I had never heard of Carter Manor.’’

“Believe me, it’s not as glamorous as one could imagine. In that regard, your father wasn’t too much out of the mark when he labeled me an escort.’’

“Oh come on,’’ she replied with an eye roll. “My father was awful to you and he overstepped his boundaries. And I don’t really want to know anything about Carter Manor. I just want to know about your life before that. I mean, how come you decided to go to that place?’’

“Hm…’’ I glanced at the huge windows overlooking buildings in Manhattan and the gray sky announcing some rain. These gray colors, that’s what came to mind first. “If there was no family at the wedding on my side it’s because I don’t have any.’’ I glanced back at Megan and found her watching me intently without any judgment on her soft face, only interest. “This needs to stay between us, all right? I don’t want your brother to know everything regarding my past yet. Actually, I don’t think he’s interested anyway.’’

“If that’s what you want, it’ll stay between us.’’

I nodded and reminded myself of all the times at the Manor when it was drilled into us that we should have complete control over our emotions, our thoughts and that we shouldn’t let them rule us. I sat straighter and forced my hands to open flat on my thighs instead of the tight fists they had been in.

“I was in foster care growing up, bouncing from home to home. Most of them were quite awful and at seventeen I ran away. I only had a few months in the system left anyway and then I’d have been on my own. At first I managed to find a job and rent a room in the seediest part of New York, but I soon ran out of cash and I ended up on the streets.’’ At her alarming gaze I smiled ruefully. “I wasn’t a prostitute. I was… well, I didn’t have a roof over my head or three meals a day.’’ I shrugged as if that would show that that period of my life still didn’t haunt me. It was a lie. “I was growing desperate and then I saw in the newspaper an ad for some kind of test that would pay a nice sum in cash so I thought I’d just do it. That’s how I was recruited for Carter Manor and I was in no position to refuse. I was so desperate that I didn’t think of the consequences of such a choice.’’ I sighed and looked around the luxurious apartment. “At least I now have a roof over my head, three meals a day and nice clothes to wear.’’